Thursday, November 24, 2005

overseas

Well, in about 13.5 hours, I'll be flying out of Sydney Airport bound for Santiago, Chile. Most of you will be getting my emails, but I will blog every so often as well. Have a great summer, all of you! And pray for me...

I feel the urge to write more, but the urge to hang out with the people I'll miss at the Terraces will be greater tonight. My next post will be from South America.

And of all the crazy things I've written on this blog, that has to be the craziest!

Tuesday, November 08, 2005

mood

My mood at the moment is a strange dilution of outright panic and outright apathy, both of which seem to be struggling for supremacy. When apathy is ahead, I'm bored out of my brain and couldn't care less about the exam I have tomorrow, let alone the other two or the one I had today, but at least I don't panic. When panic is ahead, I can hardly breathe and I cannot work for fear that whichever of my head or my heart has been more battered is going to explode, but at least I know damn well that I should be studying.
Either way I'm not getting my maths done, which is a bit of a shame since maths will be the most fun of my four exams.
This mood is exhausting, evident in the time it took for me to start losing concentration in my exam today. It was wavering after about 50 minutes, and completely gone by 2 hours. That's an hour out of three with little more than a "Hmmm... yeah... kinda looks wrong... what do I do... don't know... hmmm... interesting lights this place has".
I'll endeavour to do some maths... I want to nail it because I know I can.

Tuesday, October 18, 2005

joytension

Hey there...

"joytension" is the new word I just made up to describe where I'm at right now.

It's the state of being unable to tell whether your energy, which seems at times to be bubbling over uncontrollably, comes from joy or from tension.

I have so many things to be thankful for, and they are all God. He loves, and loves, and loves, and just to top it off, he loves some more and gives his Spirit. I have never felt God's presence so strongly as I do now. I am lagging in reading the Bible, and I don't nearly pray enough... I am so thirsty, so desperately thirsty - my inmost being cries out in desperation for the refreshing liquid that is communion with my God, and I know He is there and will give me all I can ever take, when I turn from my distractions and just drink deeply.

"But those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
They will run and not grow weary,
They will walk and not be faint."


I have so many things giving me tension in my life. They are uni, EU, connect, friendships, family, leisure, and they are all becoming tense now. My armour is actually working! The shoes of the gospel of peace are making me ready for the barrage, the shield of faith is deflecting the first fronts of the attack, and the belt of truth is binding it all together. I wonder though, when will I learn to use my sword?

"And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the saints."

Friday, October 07, 2005

gem

I hope that one day, in heaven, God will show me the word to end all words - the word that describes any situation so perfectly that no conjuring of extraneous syllables nor extended pontification is necessary, which ends all frustration in an instant. I bet it's only got two syllables and rolls off the tongue real nice.

Wednesday, October 05, 2005

storm

Indeed, when will this storm end?
On the weekend?
I doubt it, for no storm affecting so many passes so soon.
At the end of semester?
Surely not, for stress can only add to it.
In StuVac?
No, for the storm's clouds will fill our minds in between every studied fact and the next.
After exams?
The relief will only give way to what has been suppressed, and the rain shall strengthen anew.
At Club Veg?
It never rains, but it pours.
Overseas?
You always take the weather with you.
Next year?
The dry wind of February, the beautiful colours of early autumn, and the cold and rainy winter will all come around again.

I may say that I like the rain, but I don't. Oh God, please let my umbrella hold out until the storm has passed.

Friday, September 30, 2005

sleepchaser

Well, if I'm not going to sleep just yet, I might as well write...

There has been much given me to ponder over the last few days. This pondering has shaped me and will continue to shape me... I wonder if clay feels this way when it is being moulded into a mug or something. The Lord told me that I must play to an audience of one. Him only. Not anyone I know. Not the EU. Not my friends. Not me. Only Him am I to take care to please, and only Him am I to serve. This is a thought that I am unfamiliar with - that I should even forsake my own judgement of myself and of my efforts, and let only God judge the work of my hands; duly, the work of my hands should be of fitting quality. No longer what I am satisfied with, but what He has made me capable of, that which will last when tested by fire, and that which is built in Christ's strength, with hands dedicated to the one whose hands were nailed to a cross for me. Finally I see how to live without a crippling lack of self-confidence, for I can see that when I fail (which I certainly will) and when I am empty (a sure thing to come), I can draw deep and unending from the fullness of God, because as Ephesians 3 says, I have begun to be established in love, to grasp how wide, how long, how high and how deep is Jesus' love for me and His people, and to know the love that surpasses knowledge and will never fail.

The Lord told me this too: "As go the leaders, so go the people". As a leader, I must lead with my life, being what I want those following me to become. This means being passionate, being evangelistic, loving, being open, being self-disciplined and being Christ-centred. This is a massive challenge, but as I've already said, I'm not standing my own strength but in God's strength and for His purpose.

You have no idea just how excited this all makes me.

I have begun to think differently, to process the thoughts that come into my mind in a different way. Today I discarded a thought that often I have entertained, and was refreshed to know that I need not be bound by my fickleness. I'm glad to be changing, and I'm thankful to God that He's letting me watch what He's doing as He does it.

On a somewhat unrelated note, I've discovered tea, a wonderful beverage in any form. I must have had at least five cups today. I believe I needed to be calmed, since backcombing dreadlocks is an arduous task at best, and I probably did this for about five hours today, maybe four. They're looking good though, the ones I've worked on. I was glad to wash my hair... but it's created a lot of work for me, which I desperately hope will not have to be repeated any time soon.

Wednesday, September 21, 2005

random think of the day ii

Life is like a deck of cards. It gets shuffled, you can play many different games with it, and it's annoying if it's not all there.

Sunday, September 18, 2005

the encounter

I walk.

Down a sullen street in a grey city.

All around me is still, frozen, lifeless; the cars in the middle of the road, the people on the footpath, the token trees planted to bring life to dead concrete, all frozen still. Not a whisper reaches my ears from any source, save that of my own reluctant footsteps. Not the slightest breeze is to be felt. The stillness is unnerving.

The tiger eyes me warily, as stunned as I at the silence. We pass each other slowly, cautiously. I look into its eyes, and it reads my thoughts in mine, until we have passed each other and we turn, going on our way. I hear it turn after me as I walk on and it follows me, hesitantly following me with faltering steps of uncertainty. Does it read in my eyes that I would want to turn, to encounter it again, to lock eyes with it again? Does it wonder why I do not, regarding my continuance as coldness?

In this silence, the echoes of tumultuous dreams resound loudly, but the sun shines high above the grey, beyond the reach of the echoes. It is the sun that lights the street, thwarted by man's construction, but where is man now? Still, frozen, lifeless, silent, and motionlessly beckoning me to turn back to that which moves too. But the sun lights the path ahead.

Tuesday, September 06, 2005

eternal sunshine

How happy is the blameless vessel's lot,
The world forgetting by the world forgot,
Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind,
Each prayer accepted, and each wish resigned.

- Alexander Pope

Sunday, September 04, 2005

covered

Some days, the world just seems to be covered in water. "You fool, that's because it's raining..." I hear you say. But surely you would know of my infatuation with the metaphorical, and so be able to satisfy yourself that I am not deluded, nor am I saying that I am a fish, nor that I stayed in the bath too long, but that I do indeed have a hidden meaning behind my statement. Satisfy yourself that this meaning is deep, almost mysterious, saying to yourself "Hmmm, interesting..." and pondering the possible meaning for a short time, then move on to doing something a little less universally inconsequential.
actually... to tell the truth i just wanted an excuse to ramble...

Wednesday, August 17, 2005

singer

Watch the singer in the sinking sand,
Singing a ballad about dry land,
Loves nothing more than the feel of clay,
But sand swallows up the light of day;
Darkest of nights lies that way.

"Dry land, dry land" - the singer's refrain,
Pining for what he will not attain,
"Oh clay, dear clay" - the singer's lament,
Soon swallowed in shadow and silent;
In darkness that poor soul was rent.

--Iain

Wednesday, August 10, 2005

warfare

The thing that gets me the most passionate about Christ without fail is the realisation through experience and hearsay that Satan thinks we're so dangerous that he tries his best to afflict us and bring us down.

The Terraces supervisor has noticed that rates of depression increase a lot at the Terraces just before someone becomes a Christian...

To the world we are weak, but in Christ's hands we are powerful soldiers just because we trust and follow Him. This is a war, and we are fighting for Christ and winning!

Wednesday, July 27, 2005

the poet's prize

it never ends.

an unbroken cycle of irregularity with an uncanny air of familiarity.

a brooding dark, resonant with the grey clouds of a sullen day.

a poet's prize lost into the mud, the poet pining for it as he watches it sink back from whence it rose, a phrase to be remembered as fleetingly as a heartbeat disturbs the chest.

a hollow space, surrounded by walls, floor and ceiling, where nothing lives by day and nothing laughs by night.

a constant voice: "Look up! Look up!" - and a sun veiled by clouds.

a lonely tear, wiped clear by a friend to make way for the next.

hope - it will end one day.

Tuesday, July 12, 2005

music

its amazing how good music soothes... the calming tunes of Coldplay wafting down the hallway from the main office contrasted to the flat-out cataclysmic cyclone that billows through my head... i don't think i should ever go more than a few hours without music; i need it too much

Thursday, July 07, 2005

la mer, reclaimed

The sea has always fascinated and amazed me. I am always struck by its beauty, its vastness and its indomitable power. It writhes and surges like a massive beast slumbering fitfully, close enough to the entrance of our world that it could crush us if it awoke. It listened to a man once, but it was He who created it and it knows no such obedience to us. It sprawls out far from the shore, tempting me to see what lies beyond the furthest waves. It is so beautiful as to make me stare in awe for hours, abandoning all problems to the hypnotic constancy of the rhythm of the waves that disturb the stillness of the dark blanket sprawled out before me under a fading sky. No problem, no pride, no power is so large as to not be dwarfed by the sea.

Tuesday, July 05, 2005

enigmatic

My life is one giant jigsaw puzzle right now, and I'm kind of enjoying watching the picture emerge as each piece fits into its place. It's a pretty weird picture hey! Like, when you expect to see a Gothic cathedral but a duck flashes across the puzzle in an instant and just as quickly in changes again and you see a sunrise over the sea. I think it may turn into a treesnake but at the same time it could turn into a paint can. It could even turn into a fishbowl, but I hope not... don't really want another fishbowl; a long winding road would be much better. But it's all there, just waiting for God to show me where the next piece fits. I think the edge pieces are mostly there now... kind of cross-shaped...

Monday, July 04, 2005

hmmm...

should I be scared that I just monologued to myself in the mirror for 10 minutes?

I've always found some kind of interest in psychoanalysing myself, but isn't this going a bit too far?

Sunday, July 03, 2005

it's been a while...

It's been a while since I've put a new post on here! Stay tuned for more bloggy goodness. For now though...

Bite-Me & Angst
For all your whinging or destressing needs

Given the overwhelming response to the "green light" post, I thought something more permanent and dedicated might be in order, so I can write thoughts and poetry in peace :o) Feedback/abuse is most welcome, as are suggestions for destress/whinge topics.

I think I have to get out more... :o)

Monday, June 13, 2005

green light

Right - seeing as though everyone is uber-stressed at the moment, here's a "green light stress relief pad" where anyone can leave a comment that vents about exam stress, life stress or anything else stress during the next few weeks. Just get it out, seriously. I plan to.

[Edit: I guess the whole point is that we can all pray for each other about the things that are aggravating us]

poetry iii

one shaft of sunlight
is enough to wake,
one pound of flour
is enough to bake,
one piece of pie
for hunger's sake,
one unheld cry
in sadness' wake,
one silver coin
in wildfruit cake,
one fickle madness
to refute a fake,
one envied bliss
does smiles shake,
one dizzy mess

must courage take.
--Iain


Futility

Move him into the sun -
Gently its touch awoke him once,
At home, whispering of fields unsown.
Always it woke him, even in France,
Until this morning and this snow.
If anything might rouse him now
The kind old sun will know.

Think how it wakes the seeds -
Woke once the clays of a cold star.
Are limbs, so dear-achieved, are sides
Full-nerved, still warm, too hard to stir?
Was it for this the clay grew tall?
- O what made fatuous sunbeams toil
To break earth's sleep at all?
--Wilfred Owen

Sunday, June 12, 2005

random think of the day

Like sunburn in winter, so are the Days of our Lives

[it's weird what comes randomly into your head sometimes!]

Friday, June 10, 2005

resolution

I love Victoria Park. The walk between Cleveland St and Glebe Point Rd, down towards and past the pond, past the sun-charmed water and through the wisened trees never fails to calm me down. You can drink in a sight like that for hours and come no closer to being able to express its beauty. The stillness and quietness always suprises me - it's almost as though the trees surrounding the park are a wall; all that can come through are the tired, weary or burdened who seek solace from the grey world in a haven of green.

The music essay is finished, the chemistry quiz is finished, my back is finished from being constantly tense for the last 38 hours or more; as I lay here in my darkening room, traffic softly caressing the tunes of Norah Jones like the sea carresses the beach, the memory of the green haven calming my thoughts, my eyes drooping towards the sleep they so eagerly desire, my aching back struggling to unwind itself, my mind as peaceful as it has ever been, I relax. A resolution came unlooked for yesterday to ease my mind about something that had held its attention for many weeks now. Although saddened, I look at it now and inexplicably see a beautiful peace of the like I have never seen in such a moment. It is a peace coming from the knowledge that God has all things in His hands, from seeing that He has had them there for quite a while now and that He has been preparing you to deal with them without you even knowing it. It is a peace that comes from truth, from trust honoured, from admiration, from friendship grown, from knowing that God is being obeyed. It is a peace that comes from having an ever-present question answered. With every question answered another one comes... but the burden of "why?" is not one I need to carry - God can keep that to himself, because He takes His children where he wants them to go and always gets them there. I can't explain that peace to you fully, because I don't understand it. But I am so grateful for it, and for the friends God has blessed me with the honour of knowing, who love me with the love they have known from God.

The light through the window is dim, but my eyes relish the cool dark for the moment. They have been used far too unforgivingly of late. They shall rest well tonight, when I have discharged my responsibilities and spent a few hours in good company. They yearn to see the Lord, to see the renewal of all things and the perfection of that which is good. Oh how they long to rest! But oh how they rejoice at the mercies they see each day coming from the hand of God. Oh the wondrous love of God, that he should love and care for one such as me!

I wanted to write more than this, to paint pictures with enough words to fill up a room, but my mind has atrophied after its mammoth effort on the music essay. I'll write more later/tomorrow.

Wednesday, June 08, 2005

irateness

Look out lads, the "Boys are Stupid, Throw Rocks At Them" club is on the prowl in YOUR neighbourhood, looking to stone you to death at the merest wiff of testosterone. Be afraid.

In related news: inaugural meeting of the "Girls are Ingrates, Steal Their Chocolate" club next Wednesday before Origin.

Monday, June 06, 2005

medusa


I thought that, seeing as though so many people have said how cool the hair was, I'd show you it in all its Medusa-like glory. Its blurry, but I'm not trying to look cool by making weird hand signals, so I can put it up without embarrassment.

I still can't believe that a) I got that done, and b) I went to church with it. Was my 2nd time at that church... they thought I was trying to make some kind of statement...

d-day

I've often thought it ironic that the day known as D-day (the day that the Allied forces invaded German-occupied Normandy) happens to be the day that my Dad died.

It's called D-day, not because it was thought of as doomsday or Decision Day, but because every military operation's starting day is called it's D-day, just as an emphasis. 6/6/44 was the D-day of Operation Overlord, but that's consequential. The irony lies not only in the fact that "Dad" starts with "D", but that in a very real sense, the "operation" of living life without an earthly father started for me that day, 55 years later. Is it hard? I wouldn't know. The most formative years of my life have happened since then, and thought I can say that things would have been better had D-day not happened, that I wouldn't have gotten up to so much mischief, that I would still treat my family well, and that none of the stuff with my ex-stepfather would have happened, I know that all of that is pure speculation. What I do know is that God called him home. And I can see now the good that God has brought about through it all, despite the pain that was and still is and ever will be. What I have is an example to follow of a man that I knew far too little, but who lived life faithfully for the gospel of Christ, and who is now praising God in His very presence right now. Today marks his sixth year into a measureless eternity with his Saviour.

To live is Christ, and to die is gain.

-----------------------------------------

When weary feet despair to tread,
And each bright day has darkness fed,
When tired eyes would see no more,
And burdened hands would catch no fall,
Know then that God hath sent the rain
To wash away the pain.
-- Iain

Sunday, June 05, 2005

done

Its done - I've dropped Chemistry.

I've picked up History and Philosophy of Science instead. The ambiguous title "What is this Thing Called Science?" was just too much of an allurement for me :oP This of course means that after this upcoming exam period, I will never have another Chemistry class - or Maths class for that matter - in the foreseeable future. Yay for no more Chem! Yay for freedom from the opressive organic chemistry regime!* Yay for essays... hmmm. Leaving things has never been easy for me, so this is a brave new world, so to speak.

If you ever doubt whether you're saved, read Romans 1-8. I doubted - in fact I doubted more than just my salvation - but through this week God has planted me firmly on the foundation that He exists and has built up from there. Romans 1-8 speaks an incredible truth - we all sin and fall short of God's standards but God has justified us completely, so get on with living it out! It's nonsensical, but it's true. Don't give up.

* No such regime exists.

foundation

I'm really glad that I ended up going to Sonia's dessert soiree. I was unsure, even refusing the invitation at first, but to have the best of times with the best of people is hardly an opportunity to pass up. Especially when you have the best of food to satisfy any discerning palate. Sonia is such a generous host. Frozen berries and whipped cream is an utterly delightful dish at worst. I'm eagerly anticipating seeing the many photos that were taken throughout the night - my guess is about 200. To finish the night off with singing was great! Praise God that we can sing, and that we have something to sing about!

I'm not sure, but I think I'm sounding inconsistent because I'm distracted. I've been wondering of late about the nature of a blog, and why people would use them. I think it must be because there are people who just want to be heard, who for some reason cannot or will not be heard vocally. And am I such a person? I must be. I have written cryptically and repetitively in this blog about things I hesitate to tell even my closest friends. I have written poems and spun analogies whose meanings would embarrass me enormously should they fall into the wrong hands. So why on earth would I put these things in the most publicly accessible arena possible? Maybe I like the thrill of the chase; the thought that maybe, just maybe, these meanings will fall into the hands of someone whose intrinsic involvement in these secretive structures was hitherto unknown to them. Oh foolish man that I am! Why be chased when I can meet face-to-face and be known?

I'm glad for this week just past. Everything seems much clearer now. I know what I need to sort out; I know what I need to do; I know who I need to follow. Things are looking up, because I know God is on my side - at my side even - and that I am His. It's a fragile "up" I suspect, as it almost always is, but it's different this time - it's on a solid foundation. A trustworthy foundation.

Monday, May 30, 2005

awakening

I don't know if you've ever had a day when you realise that all is not as it seems... I had one of those today. In a very real sense, everything I had ever known came into question, and forced me to deal with it. God and I are working on it as I speak.

I think I should also mention that any threats I should happen to make, no matter what the context may be, are almost certainly idle threats and may safely be ignored.

Sunday, May 29, 2005

poetry ii

Be still, will you!
You know you always move
Too fast.
You know I hate it
When you do that.
You just don't seem to
Get it.
You can't bear this,
You will break,
And I'm going to have to pick up
The pieces
All over again.
I don't like it when you do that to me.
I don't like it when you
Run away with some
Flighty notion and get us into some
Ridiculous situation that
I don't know how to deal with
That leaves us both hurt.
Stop it!
Just sit down and shut up for a while.
Let me drink my tea
And read my paper in peace.

- Anon

Friday, May 27, 2005

mawwiage... mawwiage is whot brings us togethaar...

To the best of my memory (not good) that's a quote from The Princess Bride. I find it funny.

Marriage is all around me at the moment. Saturday brings the marriage of Liss, the Terraces supervisor, to Jamie, an all-round great bloke. Exciting times! It's awesome seeing them so excited about each other. Monday brought the news that one of my second-year friends is engaged - "wow!" is about all I can say to that! He's my age! I still can't believe it. There's another wedding in the near future at Barneys, and Staffworker Mel is getting married in about a month too. There's Sean & Julia already married and only a few years older than me (well, Sean's only a few months). Then of course there's all the prospectives on the horizon*... four that I can think of in my own house alone that could happen within two years, and at least two of those could be on the closer side of the two years. There's a couple of prospectives at uni as well. And there's an awfully huge number of people in close proximity to me who are growing more and more discontent with being single.

What does all this do to a man's psyche? Well, I think I'm finally getting a wholesome, healing, God-glorifying view of marriage in my head - an institution that promotes love, trust, freedom of expression and God-honouring productivity (and reproductivity, but that's another matter). I think I'm finally getting the idea in my head that it is a good thing, not fundamentally a bad or limiting thing. Seeing the way Christians relate to each other romantically and lovingly is an awesomely edifying experience on the whole.

My only major concern is for those amongst us who are discontent with single life and have no colours to choose from (this comes from a figure of speech know to Terracites as "painting the room" - aka "going out" amongst common folk). Such excitement happening around such people makes them feel quite bad sometimes. It actually sucks. Have to make sure the lofty take care of the lowly.

*This is largely speculation at the moment. However, since the beginning of the year, I've successfully predicted the occurrence of three separate romantic situations between people around me. I reckon at least one of these marriages has to happen.

Monday, May 23, 2005

recurrence

always there, one way or another...

I find it strange that words, thoughts and themes keep recurring over and over and over in life. No relenting, no relaxing; going from one state of illusioned control to the next. Ultimately, we have no idea what's happening to us in our lives and confusion is paramount.

know I care, know why I bother...

Do I really know anything about anything that happens in my life? Well of course I do... but not much. I'm clueless and scared to make mistakes. Will I ever learn anything? Maybe I have over-learnt to be careful.

know you Him, love Him forever...

Such a comfort to know that though you have no idea it is God who is in control of everything. I suppose that if I could see where I was going all the time I would have slammed on the brakes hard by now, so it's just as well I can't because I've got to trust Him. He'll get me there.

ever fair, look to no other!

Sunday, May 22, 2005

anaesthetic

Coffee can be a wonderful anaesthetic. It can dull your pain when you think about the mountain of work you have to climb over and tumble down. It can dull your pain when you think you're socially inept by dulling your wits enough to overcome rational thought. It can dull your pain when you know that you haven't had anywhere near enough sleep, by making you forget your tiredness. It can dull the shock of an unexpected situation. Its warmth and smoothness can soothe the emotions and lend a shallow peace to a troubled mind.
I have a mountain of work to try to climb now, and I've already had too much coffee. It's making me socially inept because it's making me forget that human beings need sleep (and plenty of it). I'm sure to come across an unexpected situation that will trouble me in the next day or so because of this. And what did I just have? Another cup...

Wednesday, May 18, 2005

serenity

Well, that first year social was great! What a turnout! It was really encouraging to see the next generation of EU Science folk coming together and getting along really well! I'm so grateful for the chance to serve the EU Science group, which I love dearly. God has grown me so much through my fellowship with them, and I hope I can be a part of such growth for the others in the group.
Its a great chance to serve, and God willing I will do so to the best of my abilities. Yet now, as with many of the times in my recent life, I have no serenity in the decision. With Jess, it turned out for the best that I just couldn't stand the unrest any longer. I am still studying my BSc, despite the unrest I felt last year and despite realising that I will not use it directly in my vocation, and I'm at peace with that decision because it gives me more time to serve in the EU - at least 3.5 more years instead of 1.5. So here we have one situation where listening to the unrest brought good, and one where putting it behind me brought good. It was stronger with Jess - is every other time I feel it just an echo, or a memory of a fear of being taken somewhere I don't want to go that is conjured up by my imagination when faced with a decision? Is it just that, an imagination? Is it a deep psychotic fear that rears its ugly head when I need to make a decision that could change my life or take me into uncharted waters? Is it God trying to psych me out of going somewhere He doesn't want me? (I hardly believe this is God's way - he would speak more clearly than that). Is it Satan making me doubt the trustworthiness of the omnipotent God?

It is my bane.

It consumes my consciousness, sneaking through any half-open window and any door left ajar. I find it almost impossible to trust God, or even to come to God, when this happens because I am afraid of His answer. I become afraid to trust Him who alone is the only trustworthy one.

Maybe all I have to do is jump.

For someone who puts so much emphasis on logic, it's amazing that feelings can cripple me so much.

I think I should jump. His omnipotent arms will catch me, in His good timing.

I will serve; one way or another I will serve my serving Saviour. I think that this chance will be the way, but I will have to trust Him wholeheartedly.

Prayer meeting next door. I go to meet my Saviour.

Monday, May 16, 2005

procrastination can wait

No seriously, this isn't procrastination, it's just filling in time before the pizza arrives for dinner. The fact that I have other things that need to be done is of little consequence right now. There are far more important matters at hand:

1. Ummm.... ahhh...

Okay, so I'm procrastinating.

I find it interesting how the things that you know will be the best and most important things you have ever done are often the hardest things of all to do. I find it interesting how these things, although always constant in their most important nature, often lose the lustre of their appeal when something a little more shiny catches your eye. Actually, I find it a little scary, and the sense of regret that you feel when you draw your gaze back to the important things I find disturbing. And yet, it is also a problem when you so vigorously draw your gaze back as to negatively affect people you care about.
Wow, how cryptic is that! More later.

Later (after pizza and good times with the boys):
Well look, I just hate the thought of hurting people, and I think sometimes I could hurt people when I try so hard to keep my focus on the big things and forget to care. It worries me that I do this - really worries me - and it worries me too that at the same time I've got so much concern for the way people see me. Seriously, if I'm too concerned with making sure that everyone is thinking that I've got all the big things together and there's nothing out of the ordinary happening that I neglect to be a friend to a friend then I don't care what anyone says - my priorities are down the crapper and I should get my head forcefully pulled back out into the sunshine and smacked. Being like that is hardly the way to grow up to be a man of God.
Wow, angry... i guess my blood must still be racing from calling Centrelink this morning...

Sunday, May 15, 2005

three's a crowd

third post in 24 hours... yeah... i swear i'm not an addict...

I just discovered the most awesome flavour sensation. I wanted something sweet to eat, and when perousing the contents of my fridge, I came across an almost-empty bottle of cream. I had wanted to eat this cream for some time, but lacking a cake I thought I couldn't. However, this time I decided that my cakelessness would not get the better of me, so I took the bottle and mixed a spoonful honey into the cream - a trick that I've done many a time with plain yoghourt. Well, the result was delectable and truly delicious. Smooth, sweet and creamy - three of the best things any food can be, all in one deligtfully simple delicacy.

This wonderful food got me thinking. It reminded me of God's promise to the Israelites to bring them into "a land flowing with milk and honey", meaning that it was abundant with every good thing. We live in a land such as this - if I wanted to, I could go right now and buy more cream and honey and gorge myself on it until I was twice my current size. The "land of milk and honey" promised to the Israelites was the land of Canaan. This land was looked over by Abraham's nephew Lot in favour of the plains around Sodom, which the Bible says were like the garden of the Lord - I'm guessing that means Eden, and by that I'm guessing they would have been pretty darn special, and abundant in all good things. The problem is that the men who lived there were very sinful, greedy and immoral, which eventually led to the destruction of the cities of Sodom and Gomorrah and, I'm guessing, the desolation of that beautiful land.
As I may have already said, I was challenged last week to "Love God, and fear nothing but sin." I think that as we live in a land of milk and honey, enjoying every day the abundancies that our wealth affords us, we should fear sin all the more. After all, from those to whom much has been given, much will be expected.

what's in a name?

You know, i'm sure, of those moments when for some reason, be it tiredness or happiness or anger, you look at something and it takes on an entirely different meaning or appearance. I just got one of those while looking at my last name while searching for myself on Google. You know, like normal people do all the time. Went something like: "Hmmm... yeah... lots of them... hmmm... it looks a bit funny... its a little odd... man, its really quite weird... is that really my last name? surely not... really? I call myself that?..." and so on. Maybe now I understand why people look like they're trying very hard to keep a straight, affirming face when I tell them what my last name is.

Ah, life is sweet when you're too tired for anything to not be funny...

poetry

I love poetry. No, really. Check this one out:

Believe me, if all those endearing young charms,
Which I gaze on so fondly today,
Were to change by tomorrow, and fleet in my arms,
Like fairy-gifts fading away,
Thou wouldst still be adored, as this moment thou art,
Let thy loveliness fade as it will,
And around the dear ruin each wish of my heart
Would entwine itself verdantly still.

It is not while beauty and youth are thine own,
And thy cheeks unprofaned by a tear
That the fervor and faith of a soul can be known,
To which time will but make thee more dear;
No, the heart that has truly loved never forgets,
But as truly loves on to the close,
As the sunflower turns on her god, when he sets,
The same look which she turned when he rose.

-Thomas Moore

And this one, its a classic!

Sonnet 130

My mistress' eyes are nothing like the sun;
Coral is far more red than her lips' red;
If snow be white, why then her breasts are dun;
If hairs be wires, black wires grow on her head.
I have seen roses damasked, red and white,
But no such roses see I in her cheeks;
And in some perfumes is there more delight
Than in the breath that from my mistress reeks.
I love to hear her speak, yet well I know
That music hath a far more pleasing sound;
I grant I never saw a goddess go;
My mistress, when she walks, treads on the ground.
And yet, by heaven, I think my love as rare
As any she belied with false compare.

- William Shakespeare

Here's a late-night attempt of my own:

[Several attempts have been edited out this morning which had the potential to be quite embarrasing, and on the strength of which I really should have been in bed asleep long before I wrote them. Sorry to rob you of the juiciness. --Iain]

Wait.
Don't hurry yourself,
Be patient through this life,
For nothing worth receiving,
Will pass by fast as light.

Stop.
Think it over some,
And make sure that it's right,
For if its not, a moment's joy
Will not be worth the strife.

Go.
Get to bed now Iain,
And rest your weary brain,
For surely nothing's switched on right;
You're sprouting crap again.

- Iain

Friday, May 13, 2005

how to make an impact

"Give me one hundred preachers who fear nothing but sin, and desire nothing but God, and I care not a straw whether they be clergymen or laymen, such alone will shake the gates of Hell and setup the kingdom of heaven upon earth."
- John Wesley

Tuesday, May 10, 2005

riches

I've been listening to Nathan Tasker a bit lately. One of his songs mentions that proverb "He is no fool, who will give away what he can never keep to gain what he will never lose." And I've been challenged by a friend of mine, who has been challenged to live every day as if it were his last. I have been challenged too by the fact that no marriage will survive death. And another friend once said to me (she was a girl), "I'm just going to run as hard and as fast as I can for God, and if a guy can keep up and is going in the same direction as me, [I might think about it.]" (this isn't what she said exactly, but I can't be bothered digging up the letter...)

I've been looking for riches in the wrong place!

To think I've been so worried about getting myself into yet another relationship where my attention would be diverted from God, that my attention was diverted from God and His way for my life. Foolishness! Here's a good case for living the most Christ-centred single life possible, for such a life prepares you for both a life of singleness as a Christian and life as a married Christian at the same time, so that whichever path it pleases God to give you, you will live it to the full as a wholehearted servant of the risen Christ, to the praise and glory of God. I challenge you to find a better way to live!

Monday, May 09, 2005

chemistry

- is confusing
- is hard
- must only be attempted when open to being proven wrong
- makes mice out of lesser men (like me)


So what can be said for chemistry?


I'm dropping it as soon as I can. Physics makes so much more sense.

Sunday, May 08, 2005

the burdening past

Pivotal moments are times when the decision you are presented with has the potential to shape the course of your life. There are usually two paths to take, one choice to go ahead and one choice to hold back, or one leading to something which is best, and one leading to something which although not necessarily bad, is definitionally not as good as the other choice. It can be very hard to tell which is which when the decision is first presented, and it often gets no clearer as more thought is put to it, but one thing is certain: if you make the wrong choice, you'll regret it.

There probably comes a time in everyone's life when they wish that they didn't have to remember their past. I'm at such a time. I have a pivotal moment in front of me, one for which the outcomes are as yet unclear. Such decisions come to all, and many times over, yet it troubles me. Why? Well, clouding my judgement is the memory of every single mistake I've ever made, both in going ahead and holding back, both in the same area of life in which this particular decision lies and in all others. They make me fear the decision, making me want to run from it and not face up to the fact that reality will always need to be dealt with, one way or the other. Insofar as it is my choice to make (it is not entirely mine), I should have the courage to face up to the responsibility to make that choice, and to bear the results with dignity, and yet I run from it as much as I can. I am weary of running, and I hope that when I do make the choice, which I shall soon, I will not be weary also of the choice, so much so as to lose sight of the joy that the right decision could bring.

I am a runner. I run from responsibility, I run from trouble, I run from a helping hand and I run when I'm tired because walking is too slow and leaves too much time to think. I run because I cannot rest, and I cannot be comfortable.

I think I'll go for a run now.

----------------------------------------------------

The Road goes ever on and on
Down from the door where it began.
Now far ahead the Road has gone,
And I must follow, if I can,
Pursuing it with eager feet,
Until it joins some larger way
Where many paths and errands meet.
And whither then? I cannot say."

- J. R. R. Tolkien

Friday, May 06, 2005

something different

here's a post with meaning! Yay!

Was having a conversation with some friends about boys being stupid and confused and girls being stupid and confusing. In the general sense it is true, and therefore it is true for relationship things too. However the implication was made that boys must always make the first move. It was later put forward in a conversation with some bloke friends that because boys are simplistic but girls aren't, and that girls know all about what's going on and guys often have only half the story, it should be the girls who make the first moves for the sake of establishing a common ground on which something can be built.

Women of the world, take heed of these words! A simple "So we like each other, hey?" would go a long way! Then we could make the move you want us to without fear of being shot down to crash and burn in a sulking confused mess.

----------------------------------

always there, one way or another,
not yet there, yet there's no other,
unsure where, but ruing cover,
ever fair, why do you hover?

Monday, May 02, 2005

the scream that almost was

Today was proof positive that there are times in life when you want to scream to high heaven in a frustrated-yet-positive way and when for some reason beyond your control you are unable to do so you find yourself wishing that you had just told that reason to irrationalise itself and screamed.

whoo saahhhhh...

Saturday, April 23, 2005

Filler

Well Sonia, I must admit that I hadn't written much here. Anything at all really. Thought I might right that and write something. I wonder if you or anyone will ever find it...

P.S. I'm currently drafting the Grand Unified Theory.