the burdening past

Pivotal moments are times when the decision you are presented with has the potential to shape the course of your life. There are usually two paths to take, one choice to go ahead and one choice to hold back, or one leading to something which is best, and one leading to something which although not necessarily bad, is definitionally not as good as the other choice. It can be very hard to tell which is which when the decision is first presented, and it often gets no clearer as more thought is put to it, but one thing is certain: if you make the wrong choice, you'll regret it.

There probably comes a time in everyone's life when they wish that they didn't have to remember their past. I'm at such a time. I have a pivotal moment in front of me, one for which the outcomes are as yet unclear. Such decisions come to all, and many times over, yet it troubles me. Why? Well, clouding my judgement is the memory of every single mistake I've ever made, both in going ahead and holding back, both in the same area of life in which this particular decision lies and in all others. They make me fear the decision, making me want to run from it and not face up to the fact that reality will always need to be dealt with, one way or the other. Insofar as it is my choice to make (it is not entirely mine), I should have the courage to face up to the responsibility to make that choice, and to bear the results with dignity, and yet I run from it as much as I can. I am weary of running, and I hope that when I do make the choice, which I shall soon, I will not be weary also of the choice, so much so as to lose sight of the joy that the right decision could bring.

I am a runner. I run from responsibility, I run from trouble, I run from a helping hand and I run when I'm tired because walking is too slow and leaves too much time to think. I run because I cannot rest, and I cannot be comfortable.

I think I'll go for a run now.

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The Road goes ever on and on
Down from the door where it began.
Now far ahead the Road has gone,
And I must follow, if I can,
Pursuing it with eager feet,
Until it joins some larger way
Where many paths and errands meet.
And whither then? I cannot say."
- J. R. R. Tolkien