midnight

The man walked, head down, along the wall of the bay. He was bringing before God the events of the days previous and his uncertainties about the days to come. The dull drone of cars, trucks and motorbikes wafted across the water from the bridge across the bay, strangely calming in its constancy. Points of light painted the surface of the bay in broad shimmering swathes. There was movement on the water, and movement on the road, and as he moved along the wall he found his thoughts moved more freely also. Head down, or head up and looking around, he walked and he talked in the night.

Head down, he discovered he was not alone. On the wall before him, a tiny creature scurried along scared of him. A cockroach? There are many of those around... but it doesn't look like a cockroach, or at least like none he's ever seen. It turned off the wall and stopped on the grass, obligingly paused out of fear or elsewise, and so the man bent down to see it. What a curious creature... like a cockroach, but more like a large flat slater, with a translucent yellow segmented shell and legs of the same. He could almost see right through it. Crouched in fascination he stared for ages, no doubt raising the curiosity of the few passers-by. Then he left it in peace, straightened up and walked on.

One, two, three steps... "In his heart a man plans his course, but the LORD determines his steps." The scripture came to his mind like an old friend arriving unannounced in a time of need, speaking directly to his concerns. When following God, oftentimes the road you choose will lead you to the unexpected, and oftentimes the road you are on will lead you where you would not have chosen to go, and yet it is the LORD who has determined the steps that brought you there. Upon closer inspection can be seen the intricacy, the amazing and unexpected beauty of the creative work of God. And so, pondering this, the man walked on in the semi-dark with a new perspective. To where? He didn't know, but he knew that the steps he would take would be wrought by God, and that was enough.

anxious

anxious
i'm anxious
so anxious
and i don't
know why
is it work?
is it uncertainty?
is it insecurity?
is it being awake?
can i stop?
no.
can i run?
no.
can i breathe?
no.
wait...
...
barely.
where am i?
where are you?
what am i?
what is this?
hide me
hide me
hear my scream
inside
my prayer
inside
my storm
inside
where it hides
from even me
hide me
hold me
tight
in your hand
where i'm safe
from it
all
please.

useless ramble

It's hot today. When it's hot, I can't think of what to write... well actually, that's more of a general condition. Sometimes I wish subject matter would present itself more clearly.

The thought crossed my mind last night at about 2am (hardly the time for adequate pondering of anything) that I'm not entirely sure how being "more than conquerors" plays out in the Christian's life, and so I think I should do some looking into that sometime soon.

Oh, and then there's the French essay due in a week... bleurgh... :oP I suppose I'm not really on holidays yet.

somewhere deep

I know this...

Somewhere deep
lies the blackest dark of doubt,
and how it seems no cure is yet known
for all that blackened cries,
for all that smothered dies,
for hope that forgot lies!

And somewhere deep
lies the foulest stench of death,
a reeking cloud of all that we have done
to neighbours far and near,
to forge each other's tears,
to raise a race in fear.

And yet...

Somewhere deep
lies the sparkling jewel of patience,
a treasure rich of mysterious supply
that binds the wounds complete,
that imparts stillness sweet,
that readies unshod feet.

Somewhere deep
lies the richest gold of love,
the purest indescribable... thing
of which our songs do sing,
to which our hands do cling,
on which our hearts take wing.

Somewhere deep
lies the loveliest source of grace,
upon a blood-streaked, battered face is borne
forgiveness bought in pain,
mercy's soft sweet rain,
redemption in His name.

Somewhere deep
lies the grave where once He lay,
He lives! and now to ever sing His praise
who life eternal lives,
who life eternal gives,
who was, will be, and is!

old school thoughts

I'm one of only a few who still use this archaic method of communing with the world, I know, but that's because I like the fluidity of words strung together in sentences rather than flung at you in a roughly tabular format along with hundreds of pictures. It's just nice to work on some phrases and then send them out in the world to fend for themselves.

It's pretty crazy times right now, with assessments coming down around our ears at uni, and relationship making and breaking here, there and everywhere you look. This is, beyond doubt, a very stressful time of year for all! I've done one of five assessments for this fortnight, so I'm relatively relieved right now, insofar as uni work is concerned.

I have had more epiphanic moments than ever lately. I am realising things about myself and about life that seem to be quite profound; things that concern how life works or how I work sometimes just come into my thoughts and stun me. They often slip out, but I'm trying to write them down now so I don't forget them. This is rare for me, because thinking about life and its operations has almost always taken second place to whatever's going on at the moment. I must say, I'm glad that my thought life is changing in this way.

At the moment, it's my intention to stay single for a while - until God is my first love through thick and thin, and until I have an attitude towards relationships that would enable me to be a decent husband. I've just found that my attitude is unhealthy, and I really don't want to burden any daughter of Christ with that. Nor do I want to be weak again. A man becomes a shadow of himself when is unable to be respected, and I know that deep down are many attitudes of my heart that lead to unrespectable actions. And so I will wait, work and pray like heck. To be honest, it's not easy. Changing attitudes that have been in me since I was a small boy is hard. Or maybe recognising those attitudes and learning when and where to apply them is the answer. One thing I know - I need to see a wife as someone to serve, not someone to be served by. Someone to love, not be loved by. That will probably fix me up a lot. I'm also opening up to viewing the communities I'm in as places where I can find fulfilment, joy and friends as well, which is challenging for me.

I'm getting a lot of musical aspirations lately, possibly because of my boredom with uni. I crave music (though not always the effort it takes to make it), and I have dreams of making beautiful music... actually, I think about it a lot. It's quite a pervasive thought. It was about this time last year I wrote a piece called The Gentle Green for a course at uni, which I'm still quite pleased with, considering it was my first escapade into minimalism, which I really enjoyed. I want to explore again. I also want to write songs, and to learn to play piano for church.

To God be the glory forever.

awake

I think I need to start doing more productive things with my time when I stay up absurdly late in front of my computer. I think that writing might satisfy, or some other kind of art. Suggestions?

mike whitney

The awesome unusualness of my weekend began on Friday night, when we just happened to walk into the Newtown pub where Mike Whitney (of Australian test cricket/Who Dares Wins/Gladiators fame) was lead singer in a cover band playing all kinds of old hits. Totally unexpected :o) and he's actually not all that bad!

6 episodes of Star Wars in chronological order in one 15-hour period. Nuff said.

music

without thought
without movement
without sound
there may be peace
but there can be
no music.

let the music live
let it breathe
let it move
don't quench it just to
kill the thought
kill the movement
kill the sound

sound can be controlled
movement can be tamed
thought can be channelled
rhyme can return
and the poetry of life can flow rich through your veins again.
there need not always be this chaos
there need not always be this fear
there need not always be this pain.

clarity

I'm getting more and more convinced everyday of the benefits of clarity in life. Whether it's clarity between people or clarity within your own thoughts, it just seems that life is much easier to deal with when clarity exists.

Clarity can't exist without communication. Most often when there's a lack of clarity between people there's also a lack of communication. It's really hard sometimes to bring up certain topics, and sometimes it's even inappropriate or unwise to talk about something. I think it's then that clarity is important within your own thoughts. If you know with clarity what you think about something or how you feel about something, then it seems you can deal much easier with a lack of clarity about that thing between you and someone else.

You might find it ironic that I'm being deliberately vague while talking about clarity, but my purpose is just to talk about the concept. There are many areas of my life right now in which I need to find clarity, and so I'm going to be taking a few steps backwards I think. A change of perspective can often help you see, and I need to see clearly.

Emotion Sickness by Silverchair is a great song...

It's really interesting thinking about how my depression affects my life. For instance, I know that the medication I'm taking attenuates my feelings (or at least it's supposed to), both good and bad. Right now I'm wondering just how much my good feelings about things are affected by it. Am I feeling badly about things I should be feeling good about? That's almost certain - it's a symptom of depression for that to happen. But am I feeling less happy about things I should be happy about, and therefore making unwise decisions regarding them? This is what I'm wondering a lot right now. I know that I can barely trust my thoughts and perceptions, but when it comes to making decisions, what else have I to use but them? I feel like I'm starting off on the wrong foot.

The Special Two by Missy Higgins makes no sense, but it's nice...

Wake up, wake up,
Wake up and rise.
(Time to live,
Time to work,
Time to act,
Time to serve.)
Wake up, rise up,
Get up and work.
(Now to live,
Now to work,
Now to act,
Now to serve.)
Wake up, rise up,
Look up and pray,
Now it is morning,
Now it is day.

I don't want my life to be mediocre.

calm panic breezy tense chilled manic and so on

I'm feeling so weird right now...

one moment i'm chilled, and this lasts for a while, and feels good

the next i'm tense, anxious and worried, and this lasts for a while, and feels... well... tense

and then i return.

one moment i'm happy, nay joyous, for my friends who have recently hooked up

the next i'm aching

and then i return.

and frankly i can't make head or tail of it

missing link

A monumentous conclusion was reached today in unlikely circumstances. During a conversation in the Terrace Cafe, Wentworth Building, University of Sydney, it was realised that the missing evolutionary link is, in fact, Schrödinger's cat. Schrödinger's cat is in a box with a dangerous radioactive source, but nobody can look inside the box, hence nobody knows whether the cat is alive or dead. More to the point, there is a finite probably that it is alive, and a finite probability that it is dead. But who can say that the animal within the box is actually a cat at all? Nobody can say "it's a cat" with complete certainty since they themselves can't look inside the box. Hence there's a finite probability that it's a cat, a finite probability that it's a dog, and a finite probability that it's the missing evolutionary link that scientists worldwide are searching for desperately. Who would have thought that the reason they can't find it was that poor old Schrödinger just nonchalantly put it in a box nobody can look into...

romantic

There are moments in my life when a fact I have known since I was a boy is confirmed to me again: I am little more than a hopeless romantic at heart.

Lisa Mitchell's song "Incomplete Lullaby" is pretty much exactly what I think of as beautiful music. Simple piano, simple voice, weird lyrics with thoughtful imagery... it's got it all, and it gets me every time.

The boys laughed at me for liking her so much in Australian Idol last year... but whatever. I'm finally old enough to make up my own mind about the music I like. It only took 23 years...

lack... or not...

So I don't have a computer right now. Im trying not to class the way i
feel about this as 'withdrawal symptoms' but its hard since im reduced
to blogging by email from my phone. Sad, huh?

Anyhow, the worst thing about this is that i can't write in the way i
really feel like writing now. I feel like writing something cryptic
about confusion in the vain hope that it'd be read and understood by
just the right people, but i can't do that very well. I feel so much
and i know so little... such a foolish and familiar place. Could
somebody please point me towards the door? A loving push in the right
direction would also be appreciated. In fact, while ur at it, just
take care of my whole life and keep the change.

If I'm going to kill off the sin in my life - which i must, or it will
kill me instead - maybe i should be starting with laziness.

More thoughts later perhaps, when it's not my bedtime and i don't have
to give my thumbs RSI in the pursuit of self-expression.

individuality

In response to a post here, by the lead singer of Anberlin...

...and by "in response to", I probably just mean "to explore the themes of", 'coz I don't think I say anything much new...

In the West, our individuality is important to us, but that false and destructive amalgamation of two into one is so dangerously easy for us... I think maybe its because we're made to live in unity and in community. I mean, the false amalgamation that Stephen Christian talks about is one person with another, but one person with a community is a totally different thing, and yet inextricably related. There is something about life in community that delinearises relationships (in which I include friendships, of course) enough for them to be more healthy, more constructive and more inclusive than they would be otherwise. Likewise, there is something about relationships between two people, and them with others, and so on, that enrichens the life of the whole community.

I remember once hearing a bishop (or archdeacon, I can't quite remember) from the Congo talk at an Easter convention in Katoomba while he was visiting Australia, and he rebuked us (all 3000 of us who were present) for having such an individualistic culture, particularly in regard to our Christian lives. Our communities have broken down, and it seems that we've fallen back upon our individualism, which has furthered the downfall of our communities, and so on. While it's important to remember ourselves, it is absolutely essential to remember each other as well. None of us stand alone, despite all impressions to the contrary - as a sufferer of depression, I know how alone one can feel, but as one who has received treatment, I know how illusory is this sensation. Furthermore, for those of us who are in Christ, God has given to us as a gift the Christian community that we are a part of. Bonhoeffer wrote that we shouldn't complain of what we've been given, but as thankful recipients we should thank God daily for what He has provided us with. Being thankful implies remembrance, and Biblical remembrance always implies action.

Action requires a driving power, and God has given that to us. As Paul said to Timothy in his first letter to him (I think it's his first letter anyway), God didn't give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of love, of power and of self-discipline. Hehee... I'm really thankful for that memory verse I learnt at school! Love moves the heart to want to act, power enables the action, and self-discipline is to make sure you keep using both of these. Among other things of course. At 11:30pm, it's always hard to remember the point I was trying to get accross, but I believe it to be that all of these qualities are given to individuals, and all are for the benefit of other individuals and the community. If you lose sight of yourself, you won't be able to see the loving, empowering and self-disciplining spirit that is at work in you through Christ (and never forget that is is only through Christ), and if you lose sight of those around you and the community that you're in, you won't be able to see how to best use these things. Both awareness of self in Christ and awareness of others must be a present reality in our lives. I guess it even follows from what Jesus said were the greatest commandments: "Love the LORD your God with all your heart, soul, mind, strength" implies both an awareness of what your "all" is, and that you know that but for God's grace you are nothing, since your "all" is for Him and not you; "Love your neighbour as yourself" implies that you know who your "neighbour" is and that you know how to love them, and hence that you know their needs.

I hope that's at least a little bit clear, because I really think it's important, having experienced this gone wrong on both extremes (even at the same time! go figure). I guess that I would sum up by saying that the healthiest relationships, and I would also say the healthiest communities, are relationships and communities made up of individuals who know who they are but who also know that they don't, and can't, stand alone.

mediocrity

If you're reading this post, it means at least the following:

1. You're blessed with the resources to write letters and emails
2. You can, or you will be able to vote
3. You have time on your hands

Do not settle for mediocrity! Neither in our governments, nor in our society, nor in ourselves. We are in the middle of a world that is bleeding, bruised and angry. If you know Christ's love, share it, live it, let it move your hands and feet and mouth. Open your eyes and open your heart - we have all had both closed too long now.

"He has shown all you people what is good.
And what does the LORD require of you?
To act justly and to love mercy
And to walk humbly with your God."
- Micah 6:8 (TNIV)

hehehee...

Cyanide & Happiness @ Explosm.net

e-day minus one

program study
!I have to do a lot of study today.

!declare variables
logical ComfyClothes, UggBoots, FoodInBelly
logical Music, Books, DeskSpace, GoodHealth
integer CareFactor
logical PeopleToTalkTo, PlacesToGo, ThingsToDo

!initialise variables
ComfyClothes = .true.
UggBoots = .true.
FoodInBelly = .true.
Music = .true.
Books = .true.
DeskSpace = .true. !Wow, that's amazing...
GoodHealth = .false.

Carefactor = 0
PeopleToTalkTo = .true.
PlacesToGo = .true.
ThingsToDo = .true.

print*, 'Why do I bother?'

end program


edit: I fixed up the variable assignments for the logical variables, so this is now a fully-functioning (but nearly completely useless) Fortran90/95 program!

teardrop

One of my favourite songs is Teardrop by Massive Attack. iTunes just served it up for me and I was pleasantly surprised, so I thought I'd write about it. I like it, and the atmosphere it creates in my psyche. Mmm...

I started studying the Numerical Methods part of my Mathematical Computing course today at about 4:30. I went through and worked out what I do and don't need to study (he gave us a list), and then summarised half of the first chapter. Hey, it's a start.

One of these days I'd really like to get myself an iPod, just so I can listen to heaps of awesome tunes in my car. My CD player's broke and tapes are relatively crummy.

Mmm... dinner.

This post has relatively no point. Hmm.

no words

Its hard to say just how i feel...
I feel the tension rising inside of me, and in a week it'll be all over.
I feel very little compulsion to work.
I feel crowded.
I feel lonely.
I feel at home.
I feel stranded.
I feel caged by my own inactivity.
I feel better for having read the Bible for the first time all week.
I feel like an idiot when im around myself.
I feel painful after such an epic tennis match.
I feel sleepy.

life

You know... I've just realised that I'm actually enjoying life right now!

Those of you who are closest to me will know that this is quite a rare thing for me, so praise God!

ubuntu is mine

I just received in the post a Ubuntu CD that I ordered a while ago. Ubuntu is a distribution of Linux which I hope to get running on my old computer so I can use it for programming and music recording and stuff. That'll keep me busy in the holidays! :o)

edit: my old laptop's CD drive has risen from the grave and is enabling me to install Ubuntu with minimal fuss!!! I'm astonished! Thanks God! This probably isn't the best time for me to do this though I guess.

update: well... the cd drive died again. Thus far, I've got FreeDOS running, copied the installation CD to the harddrive and am working on getting it to boot. Slow process!

update 2: success!!! and now I'm going to sleep coz it's crazy late.

beautiful

After each time I hear the voice of Katie Noonan, one of the singers from the band George, no other music that I can think of can satisfy me...

If you know me and you have a voice like her, we need to talk.

crude but funny

Cyanide & Happiness @ Explosm.net

sniper

I think there's someone somewhere in Australia who's pretty annoyed with me right now... I sniped an eBay auction for some RAM for my computer within the last 20 seconds and won it out from under them :o) mwahaha!

Gosh it's cold... I'm getting soft from living in the city so long!

a day at the terrace cafe

I really didn't feel like sitting at home doing nothing today, so I came into uni and hung out with whoever was at Terrace at the time! I stayed there for ages - I'm still there in fact! - and I've taken some photos!

Jane & MG... MG was a little unprepared...

The lovely Terrace Cafe... count the EUers!*

Roger... possibly the author of every known book on Rogernomics**...

Benita, with what could possibly be the largest potato wedge ever...

Garry posing as a fish-eater - until he ate the fish that is

Ben...

Luke trying to look hot... mmm mop-hair...

Luke sucking a Mickey pop, lovingly donated by Vincy...

I don't think I've ever met so many people from the EU's ACES faculty as I have today! They're all pretty rockin' people too. Has been a good day of nothingness... mmm Terrace... my home away from home away from home :o)

* 6 in this photo, down from about 15 when I arrived half an hour before this

**Rogernomics is actually the study of the economic/political reforms in New Zealand under one of their prime ministers in the 1980s. Any questions - ask Nick Pitt.

microsoft gets an F

Microsoft needs to go back to primary school...

The grammar checker in Word just told me my grammar was incorrect, and where I had written "I'm..." it recommended that I write "I is...". There is no possible situation in the entire English language where "I is..." is acceptable grammar!!!

Grrrr...

keeping the home fires burning

Richard is now going out with Monique... aww how sweet! :o) So the singles club is down to me.

Job 2:10

well met

I went for a walk last night to clear my head. I headed down to Blackwattle Bay, as I often do just to escape everything that makes me think that I have a large part in this world. There's a good view of a very large bridge just across the still, misty water. It calms me.

I met Stacey and Amy down there, two of my sisters from church who live nearby. They were talking about where evil came from, wrestling with that weighty issue by the waterside. They invited me to join, and so I did, and there ensued two hours of thought about a topic far more fruitful and far more encouraging than what I would have thought about if I had been alone. Even when we moved onto other things, the company was still good and the focus was still God.

This was just another event that shows me that God knows what I need the most at any point in time. I am really struggling with loneliness at the moment, and I'm forever focussing my thoughts on relationships and such when all this time I would be feeling so much better if I turned my thoughts to God. I thank God for putting those two there last night.

I have to go and party now.

correction

I found this on a theological blog, and since I sent an email regarding this matter to pretty much everyone I know, I thought I should go some way to correct it publicly. Read the email that's posted there, because it gives a more accurate account of what happened to our brothers in Turkey.

Double Usefulness: Some Clarity Regarding Turkey's Martyrs

ponderationalisingness

...is something that I've been doing a lot of lately... kinda.

Observation: the sound of my computers hard drive when it's chewing over something is almost indistinguishable from the sound of the crickets outside, and I find that annoying.

It feels to me as though there's a general vibe of "luurve" in the air... hmmm, let me put this in terms you'll "understand"... I have concluded, from observations made recently, that the relational potential energy P of the subshperes of existence of which I am a part is increasing. The increase is proportional to the number of single people s, to the latent individual breakup rate r=p/t by the Newly-Single operator S(r) (where S(r)=2rt=2p), to time t (in seconds), and to the EU Camps factor C which increases by 1 after each EU camp. The increase is inversely proportional to the air temperature T in degrees (this phenomenon is known as the Snuggle-Hugalot Effect) and to the number of people still at university N (measured in people/degree - also known as the Nerd factor). Thus, we have an equation:

P = s S(r) t C / T N

This gives the measure of the relational potential energy in units of relajoules, or people-seconds. No seriously... Basically what that means is that we're all spending an increasing amount of time/energy on relational stuff right now, and since it's only potential energy, nobody's getting anywhere.

Where's my dinner...?

bad smell

I just realised this morning that I'm sick of toilet humour. It just makes me feel gross - even grosser than having a late night after a day full of caffeine, ginseng and computer labs. It makes me feel like I want to wash my brain out with soap.

Mmm soap... such a clean word.

Mmm warm soapy water...

I'm so over late nights.

explanation

Facebook has now overtaken Blogger as my most visited website. I still love my blogs dearly, but I have a new addiction... oh woe is me... and woe is my French study...

weird procrastination

There's nothing to do at 5:20am. Well, very nearly nothing. I'm actually pretty bored.

Why don't I just go to bed? Well, in about an hour or maybe a bit less I'm going to drive down home so I can catch the train with Mum. We're heading down south to visit her man. Exciting!

But for now, all I can do is pack and be bored.

Maybe if I do more of 'pack' I'll do less of 'be bored'.

It's funny how you always leave 21sts thinking that the birthday boy/girl is heaps awesome.

I'm going to go and read some old poetry from a couple of years back.

chance meetings

I randomly ran into the following people today:

- Mum
- Bronni Curd
- Luke Scandrett
- Laura (an old church friend of my ex Jess)
- Joel Riley
- Katherine Fitzmaurice
- Jaime Santibanez
- Vincy Li

That's a lot! Sure cool.

français

Je pense que tout le monde peut parler français meilleur que moi. :o(

ponderings of mr bite-me

I've renovated my other blog!

Bite-me & Angst has now become...

Ponderings of Mr. Bite-me

I'm going to use Ponderings of Mr. Bite-me for thoughts on theological, social, political, world, etc. stuff, specifically from the first-hand point of view of a semi-angsty twenty-something Christiain like myself. I've put a new post on there just now - my first venture into serious thought about something I've been observing. Please comment if you've got something to add... I'd love to hear from you!

It's kinda still going through the renovation, so the format may change, but the concept will stay the same.

Peace be with you :o)

doing nothing

It's amazing how much doing nothing can have a negative impact on your day.

I mean, usually when I'm talking about doing "nothing" I'm talking about sitting in front of my computer wasting time doing menial or useless things. Just like I did today. I spent about 3 hours trying to do something that I could have done in 15 minutes, had I known. ARGH!!! I have a love/hate relationship with my computer, but that's not reflected by the amount of time I spend on it.

No, in comparison, doing "nothing" would probably involve just sitting somewhere outside and pondering life and the things I see, and that's one of my favourite things in the world. I've been doing it a lot lately, particularly at night when it's cool, dark and serene. It's a salve for the busiest of minds - among which mine has an honorary life membership by virtue of the fact that it used to be but has gotten too slow and cluttered to be busy anymore.

Last night, had I been in Hollywood, I would have spotted a dead body floating in the bay, and would have calmly alerted the police while keeping an eye on it. I wasn't really in an excitable mood last night - probably would have just said "poor bugger" and kept pondering the reflections of the lights from the bridge. Well, maybe not, but that's what I felt like at the time. Actually, that scenario reminds me more of a British TV drama than a Hollywood movie.

What better thing to do when you've spent your day doing nothing than to write about nothing, hey? :o)

hollywood

If the events of Hollywood were the events of everyday life, then on my walk tonight I would have been wrapped up in a turtleneck jumper and not been cold. I would have sat by Blackwattle Bay for a few minutes, pondering my life and the events of the last few weeks with quiet confidence, before the girl of my dreams came and sat next to me and started a conversation. That conversation would have been short, concise, free from misunderstandings and would end in some kind of cautious romantic tension.

If the events of Jane Austen's novels were the events of everyday life, then it would have been the girl of my dreams who had gone for a walk tonight, despairing that I would never return after she called me a pompous arsehole and wishing she were able to undo what she had done. And lo, I would come walking out of the shrubbery and tell her how ardently I admire and love her, et cetera, and then I'd walk with her back to her house and ask her father for her hand.

Novels and Hollywood films are not accurate depictions of life.

My dream girl (with whom I would never have any problems - isn't that what everyone means?) probably doesn't exist. Even if she does, she didn't meet me tonight. And if she had, the conversation would have been quite sparse, allowing plenty of time to ponder the lights from Anzac Bridge reflecting from the water in the bay, shifting slowly with the ebb of each tiny wave. It would most certainly not have ended in cautious romantic tension, because I would tell her that my emotional state is to fragile right now - that I need time to rest, and to refocus my life, perhaps for the very first time, away from the ideals of romance. And nothing would change... the cold night air would remain on my skin; the futility of ill-trained thought would have little chance for escape or correction; somehow, I would still feel lonely.

Forgive me, I'm very tired and hardly thinking straight.

back home

I got my comp working again :o)

I've realised, though, that I don't really need my computer as much as I'd thought. For instance, right now I'm going to go and enjoy the cool night air, and let my emotions be soothed by the calm of the bay, and I'm really going to enjoy it.

Do any of you, my readers, if you exist, have any favourite non-technological relaxations you'd like to share?

foreign correspondence

My computer is currently having the poos. Many of them.

You see, because I have an external CD drive, it's hard for me to do a clean re-install of Windows. When I finally made some progress in this regard, I got as far as formatting my hard drive (for those who don't know, this is basically erasing everything on the drive), and there was an error with some installation file on the CD. Not happy. So now I have a completely empty hard drive. I would happily just try again, but I have an Upgrade version of Windows, and you need an old version of Windows to upgrade from. My old version of Windows is now in data heaven, and it ain't coming back, so I have to borrow one. I am remembering why it is that I'm not going into a computer-related profession.

So, due to this fiasco, I'm blogging from Sydney Uni's Best Kept Secret Access Lab*. Hence the title.

I went paintballing on Saturday... sooo much fun!!! I loved working as a team to achieve an objective of some kind, and particularly working with a smaller sub-team to take care of each other, providing covering fire and working forward while being each other's auxiliary pairs of eyes. Oh the rush... hiding behind a wall of tyres and shooting someone who thinks the gap between the two barrels they're crouching behind isn't wide enough for someone to shoot through... lying behind a barricade and looking across the field, seeing your teammates lying in the long, south-Asian-looking grass picking off enemies across the creek... running through trenches between earth mounds and hiding just behind them while looking around the corner and trying to pick off the enemy hiding around the corner of another mound... Pity it's so expensive, or I'd do it heaps.

I'm tired, so I'm going home.

*No, I'm not going to tell you what I'm talking about.

orange juice

I mostly use orange juice for its medicinal qualities. It has stacks of vitamin C in it, so whenever I get a sore throat, that's where I go. I've also got an ingrained sense that sensations of stinging are produced by something good acting forcefully against something bad, and its acidity lends itself quite well to that mentality. Right now, I'm sipping a wineglass of pulp-filled orange juice, because I feel awful. I've got a sore throat, a temperature, no energy and I've taken the day off uni (my one hour of it today) because I couldn't stand the thought of it and my head hurts too much.

For some reason I just felt like I should blog.

I've been listening to a recording of C.S. Lewis' novel The Screwtape Letters, read by John Cleese. It's great :o) It's also pointing out many areas of my life that are out-of-shape - the most prominent of these being prayer, contentedness and the purpose of marriage/relationships. It's quite a journey at times, doing my head in completely.

For instance, one point he made was that while we are lead to believe that the future is for the taking, and that you should reach out and grab the future with both hands, and as such the future is something which only hero-like characters tend to attain - well, the future is coming to all of us, "at a rate of sixty minutes every hour", whether we fuss over it or not! When I heard this, suddenly what Jesus said about not worrying about tomorrow made a little more sense to me. It's totally unnecessary to worry about tomorrow, not only because God's going to provide all that you need for tomorrow, but also because all that He has planned for you tomorrow will happen! Only He knows what that is, but so what? If He's going to give you what you need to deal with it anyway, why worry? So there's a 100% certainty that some kind of future will be your present before much time has passed, and there's also a 100% certainty that you don't have to worry about it.

Now to someone who doesn't like change, those numbers are pretty darn encouraging, so I should let go of that petty fear and just take care of what's happening in the present with what God's provided for it.

It also states a good case for why we should be content in all circumstances. If God thought you were lacking anything that you really need at any point in time, He would give it.

He tells us that if we lack anything, we only need ask and He will give. This almost seems like a stop-gap! But it isn't really. God is aware of our needs even before we are, but I think often God withholds some things because our need for strengthened reasoning and strengthened faith is greater than our need for what we're asking for. So, when we see something we lack (not want, mind you - different kettle of fish), we reason that God is good, that God has said He would give if we ask, and then we make our reason grow courageous - we ask in faith that God would give that thing which we lack. How gloriously merciful is God to make a mechanism like that - that in one process He calls to our minds His goodness, He grows us in Reasoning and its big brother Faith, and He gives us what we need to live in the day He's given us. He's taking care of more of our needs that we're even aware of at the time.

And so we come full circle! If God's taking care of what we're not even aware of, why worry about what we are aware of?

music

Actually, I just love music. I love relaxing to Beethoven or jazz. I love banging on the steering wheel of my car to some awesome rock song. I love thrashing a guitar to let off steam. I love the way that music can make a less-than-ordinary piece of poetry come to life.

In life, I guess some things are bound to change. Some things come, and some things go. Nothing is certain but God, and nobody but He knows His next moves. I wish this were an easier thing for a mere human such as myself to understand. I wish the changes that He makes in my life were easier to deal with. I would just love for life to be easy and simple and still rich and beautiful, but that just doesn't seem to be the way it is. I guess you learn to predict the patterns and to guess what's around the next corner, but you're never certain and it doesn't make it much easier - just gives you more time to brace yourself.

Why isn't it raining today?

I guess it's because there's more to the world than me.

i love beethoven...

Nuff said.

global warming

I was talking to a friend yesterday and we stumbled across a disturbing trend that could significantly affect the rate of global warming - vegetarianism.

As the number of vegetarians increases, the number of cows, pigs and sheep left unslaughtered due to reduced demand would increase. Until these animals die from old age, the flatulence from these animals would cause a sharp increase in greenhouse gases in the atmosphere above developed countries, where vegetarianism is more common. If current global warming theories are correct, this could increase the rate of global warming beyond previous predictions.

Your planet needs you... don't become a vegetarian!

N.B. My sincerest apologies to all of my vegetarian friends, who are in all likelihood far healthier than I am!

underground

unseen
below i lie
waiting
watching
silent cry
wearing down
breaking down
tearing down
never found
always there
never sound
always where?
underground
underground
underground
deep deep down
underground

day of O

EU O'Day was today, and it was good :o) As I really didn't do much today, all I can say is that the tour was good, Anderson Stuart has a sick courtyard, being a fourth year is great because you get to choose what you want to do, and there are some pretty great first years coming to EU Science this year! And that's really what it's all about hey.

I think the first part of this year may be interesting in that the people who I hang with will be different - either younger or just from different faculties of the EU or both. I think that may be the story of the rest of my arduous *cough* i mean excitingly long uni career.

In other news, I just made a sunshield for my computer. I wish I could draw and colour stuff well...

I think God is great, in that He is so gracious as to stoop down and fix up our tiny little problems when He knows how great our other problem is - I guess He is even more gracious in that He's already taken care of that one :o)

changes

Over the last few days I've been contemplating many things, and one of these is that life changes. Many things happen in life to bring about changes in who you are, who you know and what you do, and often there are times when lots of things change all at once. A number of things have changed in my life recently - I might share some of them with you.

1. Changed name - I'm taking on my mother's maiden name as my surname. This is just basically so my future family doesn't have to endure what I and the rest of my family have. It's really weird and is taking a while to get used to. Guess you could say I've had a Hart transplant :o)

2. Changed friendships - the intricacies of which I won't divulge to the whole world (eeek...). God is good - for better or for worse in all of it, blessed be the name of the LORD.

3. Changed house - I'm further into Glebe now.

4. Changed staple diet - I've moved on from sausages and noodles to pasta and pasta sauce with cheese mixed through, with or without sausages as well. It's healthier, but still isn't heaps great.

5. Changed hair - I got my first professional haircut since May 2004 - that's right, over two and a half years. It's short, but not too short. The kind of short that you don't have to worry about much, but which you can do just enough with when you go out.

6. Changed observation - it's becoming clear that the way I see the world is changing for the worse. At least, my capability to see the worst is increasing. Sometimes this leads to awareness; sometimes it leads to pessimism.

...and there are others.

I never really have liked change all that much. It's just interesting to see how things that change can affect so much of life. Any thoughts?

P.S. My venus fly trap has one healthy-looking new leaf growing on it :o)

venus fly loser

My venus fly trap, mentioned in an earlier post where I mentioned my botanical aspirations, is in a bad way. It has two non-rotten traps, neither of which will shut even when you stick something in them. There are a number of new traps sprouting from it, but I don't know whether the poor thing has the stamina to grow them at the moment. I guess time will tell...

If it survives, I'm going to call it Percival.

religion continued/amended

I realised that my description of my Hillsong experience was incomplete as early as a few minutes after I'd written it, so I'm going to continue and hopefully clarify it.

First of all, I'm standing by what I said before. I will just clarify, though, that by "played the crowd" I mean that they tried to encourage the congregation to be more excited about just being there, much the same way as the lead vocalist for a rock band would try to get the crowd to shout louder at a concert. They did this a couple of times by asking a question of the congregation, saying that they could do better and encouraging them to answer louder and more emphatically. The reason I'm not keen on that can be made pretty evident if you put yourself into the shoes of someone who's just lost two of their friends in a car accident over the weekend, or of someone who's battling with intense scarring from a recent abusive encounter or relationship, or similar. They aren't going to want someone to tell them to be happy. It's not that easy, by a long shot, and in many many cases it isn't even appropriate. Joyousness on command is different from the joy that comes through faith - one is shallow, the other is deep; one is temporary, the other is permanent; one is based on the immediate surroundings, the other is based in the greatest love, the greatest sacrifice and the greatest hope the world will ever know. I feel a little strongly about this as someone who suffers from depression. You can change the way you feel, but the only lasting way to do that is through hard work over a long time... trust me.

The main reason that I thought I should continue my previous description is that it's decidedly negative, while I actually found it to be a very positive, helpful and even challenging experience. I was surprised by how normal a service it felt, after the initial sensation of cautiousness died down. They read from the Bible, which I was glad to see, even though they didn't wield that double-edged sword as deftly as would be most fruitful for them (by which I mean they should use it more, and should use it in context). They sang with passion and joy which was great to see. Their songs only lack the description of what God has actually done - they say that God has done great things but don't go into much detail. And while I'm on the topic of songs, I get really annoyed when songs say that God has done or said something that I'm pretty sure can't be found anywhere in Scripture. I can find one example, if anyone would like me to. The speaker I found to be convincing, and the message I found to be spoken in the Spirit, even if neither seemed particularly well grounded in Scripture. And they definitely have an evangelistic passion to everything they do. So I definitely saw good things.

In summary, I will definitely say now that I have brothers and sisters in that church and churches like it. However I am concerned for them, because they are on a perilous brink without a guard-rail. They need more of God's Word to anchor and affirm what it is that they do and say, because much of it is at least superficially spot-on, and to correct them in the areas in which they have strayed, and to deepen and strengthen them in faith and perseverance. I would love to see that happen in that church and those like it, and I would love to see that kind of passion supplement the joy and fruitfulness at Barneys.

religion, society and penguins

I guess I've had a few interesting religious experiences over the last few days.

On Friday, I saw Happy Feet. Although I wouldn't ever class seeing a movie as a religious experience unless it was a fundamentally religious movie, this particular movie did seem to have a particular secular undertone that would dissuade any viewers from following religious beliefs on the basis that they're made up by old people to scare, manipulate and maintain power over the younger generations. The secular plot saw the penguin population turn against the old bigots when the falsity of their beliefs became evident, and even the old bigots themselves eventually let their religious teachings go in favour of following the new way. I guess secularisation is becoming the flavour of the month. When our armies were fighting political wars late last century, the ideology of the masses became anti-institutional, with free love and socialism becoming some of the popular ways to oppose the institutions governing them. Now, with our armies fighting thinly-disguised religious wars, the ideology of the masses has become anti-religious, with fundamental religion coming to be seen as something that causes hatred and dissention and should therefore be avoided.

As a Christian, and probably one who would attract the "fundamental" label because of my evangelical beliefs and associations, I can't help feeling short-changed by this. I know that our Western society can no longer be called Christian, any more than an Australian like myself can be called an Englishman - the ties of origin might still be there, but my nation has moved on and become its own a long time ago. Western society is secular. The capitalism of Western society is secular. Even the leaders of the West give secular reasons for making war at this time - they say that our way of life is in need of defence, and that they are therefore attacking those who desire to take it away from us, and as our way of life as a society is very much secular this must be a secular reason. And yet this poses the problem that either our leaders are blind or they are lying: either they don't see that the enemy is fighting for religious reasons, or they themselves are sending us to war for religious reasons but don't want to tell us that. I think that we all believe our politicians are liars and cheats, and therefore we jump to the second conclusion, and then move further on to the conclusion that religion causes wars. And why stop there? Blame it for colonisation, for the destruction of cultures, for all the social evils in the world and for any injustice that you can see. Blame it even for capitalism, because the freedom "Christianity" gives to those who live in "Christian" countries to do whatever they please just gives way to greed and lust. I feel short-changed by this because I know that this is not the fault of Christianity, but of those who claimed to be Christian just because the rest of the culture did, and who either just didn't care a thing about the ways of God, or were led into false ways by an often-corrupted and therefore itself wayward Church.

Jesus fought injustice, brought mercy, and overflowed with compassion - even towards those who His society saw as enemies - and He taught us to do the same. He taught us to love as He loved us. He taught us to bring love to the whole world by bringing both His message and His mercy and compassion to it. It is no wonder that there are people who are shunning all things religious when those who, through the centuries gone and even right now, are making war and purporting to be Christians. Islam sees the West as Christian, but it is not. It is secular to its core these days, because its core is the economy and the greed and lust that are its lifeblood. Even the majority of people in the West now this. Can we as Western Christians possibly make headway when we are bound to a system of greed and lust? As much as a blessing as it is, maybe we should seek to value our security and our acceptance into our own society less, so that when we are accused our accusers may be put to shame because they see the way in which we live. That is, after all, how we were taught to live.

The second religious experience I've had is that of going to Hillsong Church. I'll talk less about this. I found the message challenging, because it was on something that I've been challenged about a lot recently - social justice. Well, that's what it spoke to me. It was really poorly based in Scripture, even containing one reference that was completely wrong. Another shorter message earlier in the service miscontextualised a single verse to make a point that could have been made very strongly with a good few other whole passages taken in context. They played the crowd too, which I don't think is appropriate, as it doesn't reach out to people where they are. However, I think the Spirit really is alive in that Church, or at least in parts of it. I actually think His power is more evident in my own Church, St. Barnabas Broadway, despite our semi-rigid applications of Anglican service structure, just because we have no showmanship amongst us - there is love, there is power, there is truth, there is movement, and though there is the typical Anglican unwillingness to get off our bums and do anything (or is that just me?), there is great work being done amongst us.

Okay, I need to end my rant here I think :o)

ponderings from the deck

I was writing a poem, but I just couldn't seem to turn on my eloquence circuits, so I thought I'd just write for a while instead.

I'm sitting on Emma's deck as I type, concurrently making the most of modern wireless and battery-powered technology and making the most of God's wonderfully beautiful and peaceful way of using His creation to produce cool, calm breezes on a summer's afternoon.

Yesterday was ridiculously hot. It apparently got to 41 out west, before a storm came and cooled things down a little. Today started much cooler and has warmed up, and now there's just a warm and gentle glow on the green, red-brown and yellow leaves of the trees that poke above the nearby roofs, while a cool breeze rustles them and keeps them animated against the mottled light-grey sky behind. In all honesty, I could never become tired of a scene like this - Emma would probably call me crazy though - because it's always changing, never static, even though it's the same trees moving in very similar ways viewed from the same place. The light, the sounds, the weather and the sky all make it different every day I'm here, playing with the colours and the ambience but rarely removing the peacefulness.

That's pretty much what I was trying too hard to put into rhyme. Prose works better for me sometimes.

brain atrophy

You know those days when nothing seems to happen, and suddenly it's like 5pm and you're sitting in your loungeroom with your keyboard on your lap, music blasting from the stereo and the hotness from outside starting to cool down? Yeah, I'm having one of those days. I'm really just hanging out for it to get a bit cooler so I can go for a bike ride through the cool evening air instead sweating like a pig. My eyes are tired, so I think I might go and do something not on the computer while I wait instead, like write some music or something. That's if I can wake my brain up again. Stupid internet...

supreme internet goodness

For those of you who are yet to taste the awesomeness:

Homestar Runner

and I particularly recommend the sbemail section.

I've been checkin' this out so much I'm starting to think like these guys talk!

Also of note, if you can get past the initial boringness*, is:

Weebl and Bob

which will grow on you as you watch more of it. Check out the Wikipedia entry on Weebl and Bob to find out how the creator creates the voices of Weebl and Bob, and then practice it amongst your friends :o)

*boringness is dramatically increased proportional to age and slowness of computer. if you think it's going way way way too slow instead of way too slow, try closing some programs. worked for me.

cardgame

What do you do when you lose The Game when nobody else is around?

edit: i'm thinking about ditching my fixation with incorporating the word "cardboard" into all of my post titles. it's just too hard.

cardboard comes from trees

I can't wait until I have the space, time and money to create a garden. It's just one of those things that you start longing to do as you get older, I think. It's been spurred on a little by the Council giving out free plants at a few events I've been to recently, but I think in my case it's genetic - my Grandad's a farmer, my Nan's an avid gardener, and my Pop is a great gardener too and always wanted to get a farm. I would like to have a place where I can plant trees that will grow big and shady, and I'd like to be there long enough to enjoy that shade once they've grown. I really like trees.

I have a little Salvia that has bright red flowers. It's copped a massive beating from a healthy-looking green caterpillar which is now somewhere out my window, but it's still alive with a few leaves intact, and I hope it'll make a full recovery. It's had to survive my bad watering habits, and many's the times I've had to give it water as it's been far too wilted. Poor thing.

I also have a little Venus Fly Trap. Many of its traps have turned black and dead, but there are some healthy ones too. I think maybe they die once they've been used, or they just get sunburnt really easily when they have water on them. I need to get a dish for it to sit in so it doesn't dry out and so I don't have to water it from the top.

I also have a little cactus. It's furry with massive long spikes. It seems to take care of itself, but I think I'll start watering it more cos it hasn't grown at all since I got it. In all fairness, it was just sitting on my floor for the entire year, completely neglected. It could be dead, except I think it's still green and that would be weird.

I've just moved house, for those who didn't know. It's much quieter here, but at the moment I can't unpack any of my stuff so I don't really feel as though I've moved in. I don't like feeling in-between-places. There's a few things I'd like to fix but I haven't been brave enough yet coz it's a rental place. The cold tap in the bathroom doesn't work, but that should be relatively easy to fix. The kitchen light switch doesn't work either though, and that would be much harder. I might just leave that one be.

I got a job at the beginning of the holidays. I started working two weeks later, by which time it was the week before Christmas. I had four shifts that week. I haven't worked since. I'm a little bored. If anyone who is good at organising social thingies would like to organise one, I give you permission. Yes, I can still delegate stuff.

I may yet blog again today... haven't got much else to do! And that is a bad thing. I can only take so much Strong Bad in one sitting.

new name

So yeah, new name for my blog... I think this one's probably more consistently accurate than "truth"!

cardboard is a Christian geek!

Two things which I think are pretty neat:

www.faithbrowser.com - there's a nifty little tool here for displaying a bible verse just below your address bar, but only if you use Firefox, which is better anyway.

www.whatwouldjesusdownload.com - a whole stack of resources for Christian geeks, including Christian web hosting, Linux for Christians and a Christian blog comic. It's run by a Catholic guy I think, but is very usable to all Christians.

Questions for commenting: Is creating resources specifically for Christians a good and helpful thing to do, or is it trying to shield ourselves too much from the world we live in? Is it making it easier for us to live in purity and righteousness, or is it just making it easier for us to ignore our broken and needy world?