old school thoughts

I'm one of only a few who still use this archaic method of communing with the world, I know, but that's because I like the fluidity of words strung together in sentences rather than flung at you in a roughly tabular format along with hundreds of pictures. It's just nice to work on some phrases and then send them out in the world to fend for themselves.

It's pretty crazy times right now, with assessments coming down around our ears at uni, and relationship making and breaking here, there and everywhere you look. This is, beyond doubt, a very stressful time of year for all! I've done one of five assessments for this fortnight, so I'm relatively relieved right now, insofar as uni work is concerned.

I have had more epiphanic moments than ever lately. I am realising things about myself and about life that seem to be quite profound; things that concern how life works or how I work sometimes just come into my thoughts and stun me. They often slip out, but I'm trying to write them down now so I don't forget them. This is rare for me, because thinking about life and its operations has almost always taken second place to whatever's going on at the moment. I must say, I'm glad that my thought life is changing in this way.

At the moment, it's my intention to stay single for a while - until God is my first love through thick and thin, and until I have an attitude towards relationships that would enable me to be a decent husband. I've just found that my attitude is unhealthy, and I really don't want to burden any daughter of Christ with that. Nor do I want to be weak again. A man becomes a shadow of himself when is unable to be respected, and I know that deep down are many attitudes of my heart that lead to unrespectable actions. And so I will wait, work and pray like heck. To be honest, it's not easy. Changing attitudes that have been in me since I was a small boy is hard. Or maybe recognising those attitudes and learning when and where to apply them is the answer. One thing I know - I need to see a wife as someone to serve, not someone to be served by. Someone to love, not be loved by. That will probably fix me up a lot. I'm also opening up to viewing the communities I'm in as places where I can find fulfilment, joy and friends as well, which is challenging for me.

I'm getting a lot of musical aspirations lately, possibly because of my boredom with uni. I crave music (though not always the effort it takes to make it), and I have dreams of making beautiful music... actually, I think about it a lot. It's quite a pervasive thought. It was about this time last year I wrote a piece called The Gentle Green for a course at uni, which I'm still quite pleased with, considering it was my first escapade into minimalism, which I really enjoyed. I want to explore again. I also want to write songs, and to learn to play piano for church.

To God be the glory forever.