Waking up slowly, the sound of a drill,
The cars on the road as they climb up the hill,
The birds and the trees with the wind in their hair
And inertial limbs screaming, resisting my dare
To wake up and face the world, man up and live it,
And live it damn well, and to hell with my limits.
They'll come around slow, then I'll crawl out of bed,
To stand up - not straight, not strong but not dead.
Give me an inch, I'll run it a mile
(though no guarantee that I'll do it in style);
More often than not too, I'll run the wrong way
And I'll double back, trip up and screw up the game.
There's fun to be had, and it's bad to be sad,
Work ya guns to be glad, coz that new fad is rad,
But the glad lad comes sad when bad fads had to die -
You're mad if you don't stop and ask yourself why.
Crawl into bed at the end of the day,
Don't give it thought, just give it a wave,
Read a good book as your limbs fall asleep,
Drift to oblivion without making a peep.
Tomorrow your lot is to do it again,
The birds sing in trees, your limbs scream in pain,
To gain what they can just to hand it right on.
Wake yourself slowly now. Stand up. Be strong.
- Iain
Monday, December 21, 2009
Thursday, December 03, 2009
hypochondriasis
It's a world of fun in my mind at the moment.
Hypochondriasis is the phobia that you're sick with something serious. It preys on what you think is an abnormal sensation or occurrence, and turns it into something you're going to die from. There's a related phenomenon called cyberchondria, which is when hypochondria gets exacerbated by misinformation from popular media. Hence, I'm finding it slightly ironic that I used Wikipedia to confirm that I am a hypochondriac.
I started writing about all the gory details, but then thought better of it... Suffice to say, I'm getting a disturbing amount of practice at cleaning wounds with a pocketknife and hydrogen peroxide. Where these wounds come from, I'm not so sure. I just dug something out of my foot - not sure what, not sure how or when it got there. The finger I can kind of explain, though it's taken a disturbing amount of cleaning also. Taught me a little about restraint when I bleached my skin white from the H2O2 and had to hold my hand under running water for 10 minutes to get normal colour back. I'm also showing remarkable restraint in not rushing to the doctor to get my back checked post-sunburn until after the skin peels and the normal itchiness stops. And all of this is on top of the standard paranoia that accompanies every groggy day after a late night, where I imagine myself not just groggy but sick, and consequently find myself light-headed because I'm short of breath because I'm panicking because I think I'm sick... it does not a fun day at work make.
It's the things I can't diagnose myself that get me the most. I like to fix things, and if I know what's wrong with something I can generally give it a shot at fixing it. Thing is, there's just so much about my body that I have no idea about, and I wouldn't have the first idea about how to fix it. And worse, I have no real idea how to tell if it's actually broken. Engines and computers are so much easier. With a body, you can't listen for pinging or knocking, and you can't check the timing or change the filters or watch for bubbles in the radiator fluid. You can't boot into Safe Mode and check the startup logs, you can't upgrade the software, and you can't kill processes one by one to find out which one was hogging all the memory. To misquote one of the most awesome webcomics ever, "my normal approach is useless here." One thing I have found helpful is the cognitive behavioural therapy techniques I learnt a few years ago while tackling depression. I actually find this a tougher challenge for them, but they can actually be effective, and it's good to have realised that.
I guess this could lead into writing about an underlying fear of death, or at least of a wasted life, but I'll hold off on that. Might write about it soon, possibly when I continue my post-AnCon thoughts (yes, I am still planning on finishing those). Hopefully I'll get to finish writing those before I die of an infected finger.
Hypochondriasis is the phobia that you're sick with something serious. It preys on what you think is an abnormal sensation or occurrence, and turns it into something you're going to die from. There's a related phenomenon called cyberchondria, which is when hypochondria gets exacerbated by misinformation from popular media. Hence, I'm finding it slightly ironic that I used Wikipedia to confirm that I am a hypochondriac.
I started writing about all the gory details, but then thought better of it... Suffice to say, I'm getting a disturbing amount of practice at cleaning wounds with a pocketknife and hydrogen peroxide. Where these wounds come from, I'm not so sure. I just dug something out of my foot - not sure what, not sure how or when it got there. The finger I can kind of explain, though it's taken a disturbing amount of cleaning also. Taught me a little about restraint when I bleached my skin white from the H2O2 and had to hold my hand under running water for 10 minutes to get normal colour back. I'm also showing remarkable restraint in not rushing to the doctor to get my back checked post-sunburn until after the skin peels and the normal itchiness stops. And all of this is on top of the standard paranoia that accompanies every groggy day after a late night, where I imagine myself not just groggy but sick, and consequently find myself light-headed because I'm short of breath because I'm panicking because I think I'm sick... it does not a fun day at work make.
It's the things I can't diagnose myself that get me the most. I like to fix things, and if I know what's wrong with something I can generally give it a shot at fixing it. Thing is, there's just so much about my body that I have no idea about, and I wouldn't have the first idea about how to fix it. And worse, I have no real idea how to tell if it's actually broken. Engines and computers are so much easier. With a body, you can't listen for pinging or knocking, and you can't check the timing or change the filters or watch for bubbles in the radiator fluid. You can't boot into Safe Mode and check the startup logs, you can't upgrade the software, and you can't kill processes one by one to find out which one was hogging all the memory. To misquote one of the most awesome webcomics ever, "my normal approach is useless here." One thing I have found helpful is the cognitive behavioural therapy techniques I learnt a few years ago while tackling depression. I actually find this a tougher challenge for them, but they can actually be effective, and it's good to have realised that.
I guess this could lead into writing about an underlying fear of death, or at least of a wasted life, but I'll hold off on that. Might write about it soon, possibly when I continue my post-AnCon thoughts (yes, I am still planning on finishing those). Hopefully I'll get to finish writing those before I die of an infected finger.
Monday, November 30, 2009
Friday, November 06, 2009
bus tales v
So two things from today...
A woman slipped over when she was getting on the bus and cut her forehead open. Thankfully we were almost at Royal North Shore Hospital and there was a guy on the bus who seemed to know a bit of medical stuff. I didn't exactly follow protocol in letting the powers that be know about it, but hopefully all will be fine. The cut seemed minor, from what the guy was saying. And I'm praising God again that one of the guys who trained me, who's a Christian and is just plain nice, was yet again supervising the depot when something crazy happened to me.
A guy got on at my second last stop with his pants undone and with the most slurred speech I have ever heard. I really shouldn't have let him on at all. Would have made for a more interesting story if I hadn't. Huh. That's not why I shouldn't have let him on though... you're not allowed on a bus when you're drunk. So much about bus driving seems to be about how much the driver cares and how angry they are at the world.
A woman slipped over when she was getting on the bus and cut her forehead open. Thankfully we were almost at Royal North Shore Hospital and there was a guy on the bus who seemed to know a bit of medical stuff. I didn't exactly follow protocol in letting the powers that be know about it, but hopefully all will be fine. The cut seemed minor, from what the guy was saying. And I'm praising God again that one of the guys who trained me, who's a Christian and is just plain nice, was yet again supervising the depot when something crazy happened to me.
A guy got on at my second last stop with his pants undone and with the most slurred speech I have ever heard. I really shouldn't have let him on at all. Would have made for a more interesting story if I hadn't. Huh. That's not why I shouldn't have let him on though... you're not allowed on a bus when you're drunk. So much about bus driving seems to be about how much the driver cares and how angry they are at the world.
Friday, October 16, 2009
bus tales iv
So one of my favourite things about this job is the perspective you
give other drivers. One phenomenon I've decided to call the octabus
phenomenon (standing for "Oh Crap There's A Bus") makes me chuckle
particularly chortlishly inside. When squeezing past a car whose left
side is on, very near to or even over your lane line, it's pretty
satisfying to not hit them... it's a big vehicle, so putting it
somewhere small is a challenge. What's best, though, is seeing how far
away from the lane line when you look back at them in your mirror. I'd
say an average of 30cm. Nobody likes being that close to a huge blue
and white peoplecart. Oh, the power.
give other drivers. One phenomenon I've decided to call the octabus
phenomenon (standing for "Oh Crap There's A Bus") makes me chuckle
particularly chortlishly inside. When squeezing past a car whose left
side is on, very near to or even over your lane line, it's pretty
satisfying to not hit them... it's a big vehicle, so putting it
somewhere small is a challenge. What's best, though, is seeing how far
away from the lane line when you look back at them in your mirror. I'd
say an average of 30cm. Nobody likes being that close to a huge blue
and white peoplecart. Oh, the power.
--
Sent from my mobile device
Thursday, October 15, 2009
bus tales iii
"Do you know how they kill the chickens at KFC? They electrocute them."
Well, you don't get randomly informed about THAT everyday. Thanks, random lady.
--
Sent from my mobile device
Sunday, October 04, 2009
perspective
When I got home tonight I sat in the car listening to music. I needed to. Some thoughts are best processed near but not soaking in rain.
"An Audience with the Devil Restrung" by the Hilltop Hoods played on shuffle. A poignant look at humanity's inevitable tendency to evil.
Then played "Oh Lord, You're Beautiful" by Keith Green. A reverent love song to Jesus of obedience and hope.
There is more than one way to look at life.
Each decision and every moment in life bear possibilities and consequences we can't know. This can cripple you or it can strengthen you. You can be paralysed by fear and the desire for security, or you can be encouraged to work, fight and trust. What you will do in each situation is largely determined by the perspective you already have on life and where you got your wisdom.
I may love some of the darker sides of culture... I may flirt with depression and slowdance with the past... I may have a bark far worse than my bite... but to hell with it if I leave this world as I found it. To hell with it if I leave every opportunity untouched. To hell with it if I let the black in my heart win out. To hell with me if I leave you, Jesus. I'd rather live in love and action. Frail though my faith may be sometimes, Your way changes people for the better.
"An Audience with the Devil Restrung" by the Hilltop Hoods played on shuffle. A poignant look at humanity's inevitable tendency to evil.
Then played "Oh Lord, You're Beautiful" by Keith Green. A reverent love song to Jesus of obedience and hope.
There is more than one way to look at life.
Each decision and every moment in life bear possibilities and consequences we can't know. This can cripple you or it can strengthen you. You can be paralysed by fear and the desire for security, or you can be encouraged to work, fight and trust. What you will do in each situation is largely determined by the perspective you already have on life and where you got your wisdom.
I may love some of the darker sides of culture... I may flirt with depression and slowdance with the past... I may have a bark far worse than my bite... but to hell with it if I leave this world as I found it. To hell with it if I leave every opportunity untouched. To hell with it if I let the black in my heart win out. To hell with me if I leave you, Jesus. I'd rather live in love and action. Frail though my faith may be sometimes, Your way changes people for the better.
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
bus tales ii
Today on the bus...
Yr 8: Can I not pay? I'd have to break this... (waves a 20 around
lamely) ...I don't have anything smaller.
Me: You've got a fiver right there.
Yr 8: How did you SEE that?!
Me: I'm good like that.
Then I saw a little ranger boy doing a Hitler salute while being
carried by his mum.
--
Sent from my mobile device
Friday, September 11, 2009
bus tales
Today on the buses...
Almost certain i saw Marie Bashir sending a text feom the passenger
seat of her limo as it drove past.
Laughed not a few times at a schoolgirl trying to convince her friends
to buy her an iPhone for her birthday, then trying to organise a
birthday party where her friends gave her money for said iPhone. She
failed badly at doing the maths of how many friends would have to
bring how much money. Sometimes futility is hilarious.
Saw a Mitsubishi Magna broken down and stopping traffic and
immediately, semi-consciously started singing 'Another one bites the
dust...'
Oporto dinner ftw! My Friday ritual.
--
Sent from my mobile device
Sunday, August 16, 2009
hiatus
At the risk of sounding like a teenieblogger: It's been a while between blog posts for me, and I thought it'd be nice to just write something.
I've changed shifts at work recently, so I'm now working afternoons/evenings. 2:45 - 9:20 pm, pretty much. There's an hour more driving than before, and an unpaid 50 min meal break in the middle. I'm finding it fairly difficult to fit uni work into a week with 10 fewer hours in it, and so far I've been failing fairly badly at it as I'm ill-disciplined at the best of times. I think I'll ask to change shifts again if something else comes up, as unlikely as that is. Please pray for me.
I felt like the tonight's visit to our church of two Malaysian brothers-in-Christ was a breath of fresh air. I hope in typical Iainish pessimism that they were more than just a spectacle to us. Those men face death for their belief in our Saviour... their enthusiasm for Christ and for His kingdom is therefore exemplary to us. It is also condemning of us if all we do is laugh at how awkward we feel that someone's yelling God's praises from up front; likewise if we are persistently skeptical about Jesus appearing to our brother. Who are we to dictate or presuppose the actions of the living God? Look, I know what I'm doing here is taking how I felt and applying it to all of us... still, I consider myself a decent judge of the vibe amongst a room full of people. Please, Barneys crew, let's let our brothers rub off on us. We will be persecuted like them one day - I'm nearly certain of it (possibly Iainish pessimism again). Learn what we can now of how to joyfully glorify Christ under persecution, and we will flounder less when it takes us by surprise.
I love you, Barneys people. It's so good to be able to hang out with you regularly again. I genuinely missed you when I was working mornings and couldn't stay around after church.
Numerous projects of mine are on hold at the moment due to work-uni difficulties. This includes my post-AnCon writings, tidying my room, learning how to play keys (as opposed to piano), getting better at bass, busting out the cello again, mowing the lawn, eating at home, Fallout 3, making phat computer music and putting my new speakers in my car. Okay, so many of these projects haven't gotten off the ground yet, but they are definitely in the pipeline, and I miss being able to do them (or at least think about the possibility). Please pray for me.
I'm still thinking through what to do next year. All ideas seem good, none stand out, and there's little time to think about it deeply. Please pray for me.
Please (anyone) let me know what I can pray for you. Praying for others confounds the Tempter, and I could really use that right now. Please make use of me.
I've changed shifts at work recently, so I'm now working afternoons/evenings. 2:45 - 9:20 pm, pretty much. There's an hour more driving than before, and an unpaid 50 min meal break in the middle. I'm finding it fairly difficult to fit uni work into a week with 10 fewer hours in it, and so far I've been failing fairly badly at it as I'm ill-disciplined at the best of times. I think I'll ask to change shifts again if something else comes up, as unlikely as that is. Please pray for me.
I felt like the tonight's visit to our church of two Malaysian brothers-in-Christ was a breath of fresh air. I hope in typical Iainish pessimism that they were more than just a spectacle to us. Those men face death for their belief in our Saviour... their enthusiasm for Christ and for His kingdom is therefore exemplary to us. It is also condemning of us if all we do is laugh at how awkward we feel that someone's yelling God's praises from up front; likewise if we are persistently skeptical about Jesus appearing to our brother. Who are we to dictate or presuppose the actions of the living God? Look, I know what I'm doing here is taking how I felt and applying it to all of us... still, I consider myself a decent judge of the vibe amongst a room full of people. Please, Barneys crew, let's let our brothers rub off on us. We will be persecuted like them one day - I'm nearly certain of it (possibly Iainish pessimism again). Learn what we can now of how to joyfully glorify Christ under persecution, and we will flounder less when it takes us by surprise.
I love you, Barneys people. It's so good to be able to hang out with you regularly again. I genuinely missed you when I was working mornings and couldn't stay around after church.
Numerous projects of mine are on hold at the moment due to work-uni difficulties. This includes my post-AnCon writings, tidying my room, learning how to play keys (as opposed to piano), getting better at bass, busting out the cello again, mowing the lawn, eating at home, Fallout 3, making phat computer music and putting my new speakers in my car. Okay, so many of these projects haven't gotten off the ground yet, but they are definitely in the pipeline, and I miss being able to do them (or at least think about the possibility). Please pray for me.
I'm still thinking through what to do next year. All ideas seem good, none stand out, and there's little time to think about it deeply. Please pray for me.
Please (anyone) let me know what I can pray for you. Praying for others confounds the Tempter, and I could really use that right now. Please make use of me.
Sunday, July 26, 2009
three: get a move on
“It's time to get going”
I have known for a while that I want to spend my life in God's word and getting other people into it. I have rough ideas of what that could look like. I haven't really started moving towards that. However, at the EU Science weekend away last semester, and again at AnCon, a thought lodged itself firmly in my mind: “Alright, it's time to get going.”
On one level, I have no idea where to start. It's not a natural progression from either of the things I'm doing now, so it'll take a significant change of direction. I've talked to a few people, and I'm going to talk to more, about the various options out there. And there are options out there... plenty, and well-attested-to by the people I've known who've gone through them. So, on another level, I know exactly where to start... I just have to get on with it.
The required steps to becoming a minister of the word around here seem to be as follows:
1.Be a Christian
2.Go to Year 13 or equivalent (optional)
3.Go to uni
4.Be EU President (or any other position of leadership in the EU)
5.Work for 3 years (stint in the mission field an option, for bonus points)
6.Be an EU staffworker or MTS dude/dudette
7.If you didn't get married during steps 3 to 6, do so now
8.Go to Moore College (or go to SMBC then Moore)
So far, I've got 1,3 & 4 down, leaving me on the brink of 5 and with half my time for 7 used up... Of course I'm not being entirely serious here. Really, only step 1 is compulsory. Everything else is a bonus that God will use in your ministry. In fact, I challenge you to do something you consider completely random and watch out for whether or not you end up using it for God's glory one day. I bet you will.
Even though these aren't compulsory, they do have a certain weight to them in people's eyes. They're part of what people look for in you when you mention you want to go into vocational ministry. Most of these I'm comfortable with, to varying extents, due to their aforementioned usage by God. However, I've started questioning how highly valued point 5 is. A stint of pre-ministry work was part of my original plan. I thought seriously about teaching maths, and then for a while thought seriously about driving buses for a few years. Whatever thoughts I have, they don't seem to thrill me or engage me, because I know they'd only really be a means to an end. But what, really, is the “end” I'd be trying to achieve?
If the “end” of working for a few years after uni is to know what life is like in “the real world”, then I suppose it does have some merit. I think it's even better if that time is spent getting to know and develop yourself, because the pressure of responsibility and the testing of your relationships with God and other people can be a really formative and informative experience. I'm ambivalent about the financial “end” - on the one hand, providing for yourself eases your burden on the Christian community; on the other hand, God will provide whatever you need (not want, mind you). The “end” I am beginning to disagree with strongly is that of gaining credibility with workers. Frankly, working for three years so you can tell a congregation of lifetime workers that you know what they're going through is cheap, artificial and probably more than a little self-deceptive. Yes, you may know what it's like to work, but no, you don't know what it's like for that work to be your life's work. In fact, you've tried that work thing and then found something better to do with your life. Is that kind of condescension really going to help anyone? I gather that older workers are good at seeing through façades. In general, they strongly appreciate a young person who pulls their weight in a real job, and scorn those in academia, the clergy and other so-called useless jobs. I firmly believe it'd be better to tell an older worker that you're doing Christian ministry because you love it than to tell them that you worked for a while but couldn't ignore the call to something higher. When you know the scorn's going to be there, I think it's better to accept it front-on and be open about your reasons. That way, if they still think you're wasting your life, they'll at least appreciate that you're doing it with honesty.
That said, if you do work for a few years with a good, solid reason, God will use those years and experiences somehow. I know my reason for planning to work for a few years was for credibility, but I know that's not the case for everyone. This has just been on my mind a lot lately, having changed my mind on it and all.
What do you think about working pre-ministry? I'd be keen to hear your thoughts. Basically, I'm wondering whether I really have to spend another 3 or so years doing something (anything) before getting into what I really want to do. I need wisdom... give me wisdom... Also, if you have any suggestions on how to find out if you're a good preacher, or on how to kick off a writing ministry, please send them my way.
That aside, I'm keen to get on with life in God's service, whatever that looks like. I have a lot of thought and prayer ahead of me for the decision about what to do next year and the year after in particular. But, I have decided to follow Jesus, and there will be no turning back. Though Satan send me hell and high water along the way - and he will, and he does - I belong to Jesus, and Jesus has already defeated him. So, for me, to live is Christ, and life or death will be for His glory.
Bring it.
“If you point these things out to the brothers and sisters, you will be a good minister of Christ Jesus, nourished on the truths of the faith and of the good teaching that you have followed. Have nothing to do with godless myths and old wives' tales; rather, train yourself to be godly. For physical training is of some value, but godliness has value for all things, holding promise for both the present life and the life to come. This is a trustworthy saying that deserves full acceptance. That is why we labor and strive, because we have put our hope in the living God, who is the Savior of all people, and especially of those who believe.
Command and teach these things. Don't let anyone look down on you because you are young, but set an example for the believers in speech, in conduct, in love, in faith and in purity. Until I come, devote yourself to the public reading of Scripture, to preaching and to teaching. Do not neglect your gift, which was given you through prophecy when the body of elders laid their hands on you.
Be diligent in these matters; give yourself wholly to them, so that everyone may see your progress. Watch your life and doctrine closely. Persevere in them, because if you do, you will save both yourself and your hearers.”
- 1 Timothy 4:6-16, NIV, taken from BibleGateway.com
I have known for a while that I want to spend my life in God's word and getting other people into it. I have rough ideas of what that could look like. I haven't really started moving towards that. However, at the EU Science weekend away last semester, and again at AnCon, a thought lodged itself firmly in my mind: “Alright, it's time to get going.”
On one level, I have no idea where to start. It's not a natural progression from either of the things I'm doing now, so it'll take a significant change of direction. I've talked to a few people, and I'm going to talk to more, about the various options out there. And there are options out there... plenty, and well-attested-to by the people I've known who've gone through them. So, on another level, I know exactly where to start... I just have to get on with it.
The required steps to becoming a minister of the word around here seem to be as follows:
1.Be a Christian
2.Go to Year 13 or equivalent (optional)
3.Go to uni
4.Be EU President (or any other position of leadership in the EU)
5.Work for 3 years (stint in the mission field an option, for bonus points)
6.Be an EU staffworker or MTS dude/dudette
7.If you didn't get married during steps 3 to 6, do so now
8.Go to Moore College (or go to SMBC then Moore)
So far, I've got 1,3 & 4 down, leaving me on the brink of 5 and with half my time for 7 used up... Of course I'm not being entirely serious here. Really, only step 1 is compulsory. Everything else is a bonus that God will use in your ministry. In fact, I challenge you to do something you consider completely random and watch out for whether or not you end up using it for God's glory one day. I bet you will.
Even though these aren't compulsory, they do have a certain weight to them in people's eyes. They're part of what people look for in you when you mention you want to go into vocational ministry. Most of these I'm comfortable with, to varying extents, due to their aforementioned usage by God. However, I've started questioning how highly valued point 5 is. A stint of pre-ministry work was part of my original plan. I thought seriously about teaching maths, and then for a while thought seriously about driving buses for a few years. Whatever thoughts I have, they don't seem to thrill me or engage me, because I know they'd only really be a means to an end. But what, really, is the “end” I'd be trying to achieve?
If the “end” of working for a few years after uni is to know what life is like in “the real world”, then I suppose it does have some merit. I think it's even better if that time is spent getting to know and develop yourself, because the pressure of responsibility and the testing of your relationships with God and other people can be a really formative and informative experience. I'm ambivalent about the financial “end” - on the one hand, providing for yourself eases your burden on the Christian community; on the other hand, God will provide whatever you need (not want, mind you). The “end” I am beginning to disagree with strongly is that of gaining credibility with workers. Frankly, working for three years so you can tell a congregation of lifetime workers that you know what they're going through is cheap, artificial and probably more than a little self-deceptive. Yes, you may know what it's like to work, but no, you don't know what it's like for that work to be your life's work. In fact, you've tried that work thing and then found something better to do with your life. Is that kind of condescension really going to help anyone? I gather that older workers are good at seeing through façades. In general, they strongly appreciate a young person who pulls their weight in a real job, and scorn those in academia, the clergy and other so-called useless jobs. I firmly believe it'd be better to tell an older worker that you're doing Christian ministry because you love it than to tell them that you worked for a while but couldn't ignore the call to something higher. When you know the scorn's going to be there, I think it's better to accept it front-on and be open about your reasons. That way, if they still think you're wasting your life, they'll at least appreciate that you're doing it with honesty.
That said, if you do work for a few years with a good, solid reason, God will use those years and experiences somehow. I know my reason for planning to work for a few years was for credibility, but I know that's not the case for everyone. This has just been on my mind a lot lately, having changed my mind on it and all.
What do you think about working pre-ministry? I'd be keen to hear your thoughts. Basically, I'm wondering whether I really have to spend another 3 or so years doing something (anything) before getting into what I really want to do. I need wisdom... give me wisdom... Also, if you have any suggestions on how to find out if you're a good preacher, or on how to kick off a writing ministry, please send them my way.
That aside, I'm keen to get on with life in God's service, whatever that looks like. I have a lot of thought and prayer ahead of me for the decision about what to do next year and the year after in particular. But, I have decided to follow Jesus, and there will be no turning back. Though Satan send me hell and high water along the way - and he will, and he does - I belong to Jesus, and Jesus has already defeated him. So, for me, to live is Christ, and life or death will be for His glory.
Bring it.
“If you point these things out to the brothers and sisters, you will be a good minister of Christ Jesus, nourished on the truths of the faith and of the good teaching that you have followed. Have nothing to do with godless myths and old wives' tales; rather, train yourself to be godly. For physical training is of some value, but godliness has value for all things, holding promise for both the present life and the life to come. This is a trustworthy saying that deserves full acceptance. That is why we labor and strive, because we have put our hope in the living God, who is the Savior of all people, and especially of those who believe.
Command and teach these things. Don't let anyone look down on you because you are young, but set an example for the believers in speech, in conduct, in love, in faith and in purity. Until I come, devote yourself to the public reading of Scripture, to preaching and to teaching. Do not neglect your gift, which was given you through prophecy when the body of elders laid their hands on you.
Be diligent in these matters; give yourself wholly to them, so that everyone may see your progress. Watch your life and doctrine closely. Persevere in them, because if you do, you will save both yourself and your hearers.”
- 1 Timothy 4:6-16, NIV, taken from BibleGateway.com
Sunday, July 19, 2009
two a: God is trinity
“God is trinity - Father, Son, Spirit”
On a cold June evening I sat and thought, looking over a dam and the darkening trees. It was a good place to think, because it seemed as though everyone else was too afraid of the cold to come near. Trees, silence, sheep, the slowly-appearing stars and God.
When thinking about how the Father, Son and Spirit work together in all things, I came to understand better that the Spirit is a person, and my belief in God became more thoroughly Trinitarian. Then I thought about how I know the Father as “my Father”, and Jesus as “my Lord” (or, well, Jesus), in my thinking and prayer and stuff; but i didn't have such a name for the Spirit, even though He too is my God.
On the basis of John 14:16,17 I settled on “my Counsellor”.
Just thought I'd share that. Not really sure why.
On a cold June evening I sat and thought, looking over a dam and the darkening trees. It was a good place to think, because it seemed as though everyone else was too afraid of the cold to come near. Trees, silence, sheep, the slowly-appearing stars and God.
When thinking about how the Father, Son and Spirit work together in all things, I came to understand better that the Spirit is a person, and my belief in God became more thoroughly Trinitarian. Then I thought about how I know the Father as “my Father”, and Jesus as “my Lord” (or, well, Jesus), in my thinking and prayer and stuff; but i didn't have such a name for the Spirit, even though He too is my God.
On the basis of John 14:16,17 I settled on “my Counsellor”.
Just thought I'd share that. Not really sure why.
Saturday, July 18, 2009
two b: God is trinity
“God is trinity - distinct in person; one in being, purpose & action”
(No, you didn't miss part a. I just think it makes sense to talk about this first.)
Rowan's second talk at AnCon focussed on the nature of God, and in particular the relationships the Holy Spirit has with the Father and the Son. Usually the Trinity is a mind-blowing thing to think about, and so it was a little surprising to be diving into this on the first day. Having to lead a review group on it on day two freaked me out more than a bit!
Despite this, I can now see that talking about the Trinity on day one was a crucial move for Rowan to make. When you're talking about one member of the Trinity, it's absolutely important to understand what you're talking about when you say “one member of the Trinity”. Better yet: it's crucially important to understand Who you're talking about. I'm thankful Rowan went there so soon, because without him doing so I think I would have misunderstood a lot of crucial points throughout the week. I think this is where everything started to make sense for me, because at this point I began to better understand who my God is.
“Trinity”... “tri-unity”... three/one... three in one... the word itself is not powerful or particularly special, but it describes how God has revealed Himself to us, and that is powerful. That is one of the most astounding truths of the gospel, and is Christianity's glorious difference. God reveals Himself to humankind just as He is, so that we can know Him - not with a shallow intellectual knowledge, but a deeply personal and intimate knowledge. We can relate to Him as He is, without guesswork and with an open invitation. We can relate to Him as trinity, knowing how He works internally, and how He interacts with us and His world.
The Trinity is distinct in person. More than just personality, mind you; the Father, the Son and the Spirit are really different from each other, and are not just different states of God's mind. And yet, the Trinity is united. They are united in being - the one God, not three Gods. They are united in purpose, working towards the same goal. And, they are united in action, working together in whatever they do. It is this last point which grabbed me, shook me and reshaped my thoughts of God before sitting me down before His feet for the rest of the week. Unity in purpose I figured I understood, or at least vaguely comprehended, but action is something entirely different.
Rowan summarised the relationships in the Trinity in this way:
- The Father sends the Son through the Spirit
- The Father sends the Spirit through the Son
- The Father is glorified by the Son and the Spirit
So, for example, the Father set up Jesus' incarnation by the Spirit making Mary pregnant. Then, after His earthly ministry, Jesus asks the Father to send the Spirit to His disciples. The Spirit then works through the message and miracles of the disciples to glorify Jesus, whom they proclaim; and Jesus' glory is the glory of the Father (John 17:1). This illustrates both the unity in purpose and the unity in action that the Trinity has.
One way I've found quite helpful to think about the Trinity in the past is as God, Word and Breath, picking up on the name John uses for Jesus at the start of his gospel, and on another literal meaning of the Hebrew word translated as “spirit” in our bibles. I doubt this is the most helpful way to think about God, as it's easy to downplay the personhood of the Word and the Breath, but I think the concrete imagery it gives have been helpful to me. Thinking about it this way, you could rewrite Rowan's summary like this:
- God sends his Word through his Breath (speaking requires breathing)
- God sends out his Breath because of his Word (words need a conduit to be communicative)
- God is glorified by what his Word and Breath accomplish
Now as I said, I don't think this is the most helpful way to think about God, particularly since Jesus is fully human, as well as fully God. You do also have to keep in mind that God is spirit, not flesh, and that applying human features to God is, at best, analogous. However, John does call Jesus the Word at the start of his gospel, as I already mentioned, and I think John 1 is the passage that has helped me the most when it comes to understanding that Jesus is fully God. Thinking about God in this way makes sense of a lot of the Old Testament, and helps you to see the Trinity at work together before Jesus' incarnation. With this framework, the work of creation is instantly recognisable as the work of the Trinity. The Breath hovered over the surface of the unformed earth as God was there, imagining His creation-to-be; then He spoke, filling his Breath with the Word of his command, and through that Word “all things were made” (John 1:3). Also, think of God's prophets. The phrase “The word of the LORD came to [so-and-so]” is frequently found at the beginning of a prophecy in the OT, and as Rowan pointed out in Zechariah 7:12, these were “the words that the LORD Almighty had sent by his Spirit” - his Breath. God's Breath, his Spirit with them, enabled the prophets to proclaim the Word. The Word of God never goes out into the world without his Breath to carry it. I think this can be helpful for thinking about how the members of the Trinity work together; however, it could be dangerous to your understanding that they are each a distinct and real person. If any of this is heretical I demand that you correct me.
I don't think I'll ever look at God's work the same way again. Everything God has ever done, and ever will do, is the work of the Father, the Son and the Spirit. I think it's reassuring to know that God is unified in His actions as well as His overall purpose. It means that Jesus' crucifixion wasn't an unjust punishment, but an act of love and victory on Jesus' part as well. Even my own sanctification is a Trinitarian work: the Father loves me and adopted me; Jesus died and rose again for me; the Spirit teaches me from the Word as He conforms me to His likeness, and gives me gifts with which to glorify Jesus - my King, my redeemer and my example. The love of the Father, the word of the Son and the power of the Spirit are at work in every believer, and consequently in every believing church. Among other things, I find it reassuring to know that the Spirit hasn't abandoned the Anglican church. He is still with us yet (well, many of us), and as long as we follow Christ He will remain, for He works alongside the Father and the Son for our good and the Father's glory. I might touch on that more in other posts.
I'm certain I haven't done this justice... but that was never going to happen. This is something that I'll be trying to understand for the rest of my life. However, I think I know my God a little better now, and for that I'm glad.
"Jesus returned to Galilee in the power of the Spirit, and news about him spread through the whole countryside. He taught in their synagogues, and everyone praised him. He went to Nazareth, where he had been brought up, and on the Sabbath day he went into the synagogue, as was his custom. And he stood up to read. The scroll of the prophet Isaiah was handed to him. Unrolling it, he found the place where it is written:
'The Spirit of the Lord is on me,
because he has anointed me
to preach good news to the poor.
He has sent me to proclaim freedom for the prisoners
and recovery of sight for the blind,
to release the oppressed,
to proclaim the year of the Lord's favor.'
Then he rolled up the scroll, gave it back to the attendant and sat down. The eyes of everyone in the synagogue were fastened on him, and he began by saying to them, 'Today this scripture is fulfilled in your hearing.'"
- Luke 4:14-21, NIV, taken from BibleGateway.com
(Note: Do not watch The Matrix or any of its sequels while trying to write anything on the Trinity.)
(No, you didn't miss part a. I just think it makes sense to talk about this first.)
Rowan's second talk at AnCon focussed on the nature of God, and in particular the relationships the Holy Spirit has with the Father and the Son. Usually the Trinity is a mind-blowing thing to think about, and so it was a little surprising to be diving into this on the first day. Having to lead a review group on it on day two freaked me out more than a bit!
Despite this, I can now see that talking about the Trinity on day one was a crucial move for Rowan to make. When you're talking about one member of the Trinity, it's absolutely important to understand what you're talking about when you say “one member of the Trinity”. Better yet: it's crucially important to understand Who you're talking about. I'm thankful Rowan went there so soon, because without him doing so I think I would have misunderstood a lot of crucial points throughout the week. I think this is where everything started to make sense for me, because at this point I began to better understand who my God is.
“Trinity”... “tri-unity”... three/one... three in one... the word itself is not powerful or particularly special, but it describes how God has revealed Himself to us, and that is powerful. That is one of the most astounding truths of the gospel, and is Christianity's glorious difference. God reveals Himself to humankind just as He is, so that we can know Him - not with a shallow intellectual knowledge, but a deeply personal and intimate knowledge. We can relate to Him as He is, without guesswork and with an open invitation. We can relate to Him as trinity, knowing how He works internally, and how He interacts with us and His world.
The Trinity is distinct in person. More than just personality, mind you; the Father, the Son and the Spirit are really different from each other, and are not just different states of God's mind. And yet, the Trinity is united. They are united in being - the one God, not three Gods. They are united in purpose, working towards the same goal. And, they are united in action, working together in whatever they do. It is this last point which grabbed me, shook me and reshaped my thoughts of God before sitting me down before His feet for the rest of the week. Unity in purpose I figured I understood, or at least vaguely comprehended, but action is something entirely different.
Rowan summarised the relationships in the Trinity in this way:
- The Father sends the Son through the Spirit
- The Father sends the Spirit through the Son
- The Father is glorified by the Son and the Spirit
So, for example, the Father set up Jesus' incarnation by the Spirit making Mary pregnant. Then, after His earthly ministry, Jesus asks the Father to send the Spirit to His disciples. The Spirit then works through the message and miracles of the disciples to glorify Jesus, whom they proclaim; and Jesus' glory is the glory of the Father (John 17:1). This illustrates both the unity in purpose and the unity in action that the Trinity has.
One way I've found quite helpful to think about the Trinity in the past is as God, Word and Breath, picking up on the name John uses for Jesus at the start of his gospel, and on another literal meaning of the Hebrew word translated as “spirit” in our bibles. I doubt this is the most helpful way to think about God, as it's easy to downplay the personhood of the Word and the Breath, but I think the concrete imagery it gives have been helpful to me. Thinking about it this way, you could rewrite Rowan's summary like this:
- God sends his Word through his Breath (speaking requires breathing)
- God sends out his Breath because of his Word (words need a conduit to be communicative)
- God is glorified by what his Word and Breath accomplish
Now as I said, I don't think this is the most helpful way to think about God, particularly since Jesus is fully human, as well as fully God. You do also have to keep in mind that God is spirit, not flesh, and that applying human features to God is, at best, analogous. However, John does call Jesus the Word at the start of his gospel, as I already mentioned, and I think John 1 is the passage that has helped me the most when it comes to understanding that Jesus is fully God. Thinking about God in this way makes sense of a lot of the Old Testament, and helps you to see the Trinity at work together before Jesus' incarnation. With this framework, the work of creation is instantly recognisable as the work of the Trinity. The Breath hovered over the surface of the unformed earth as God was there, imagining His creation-to-be; then He spoke, filling his Breath with the Word of his command, and through that Word “all things were made” (John 1:3). Also, think of God's prophets. The phrase “The word of the LORD came to [so-and-so]” is frequently found at the beginning of a prophecy in the OT, and as Rowan pointed out in Zechariah 7:12, these were “the words that the LORD Almighty had sent by his Spirit” - his Breath. God's Breath, his Spirit with them, enabled the prophets to proclaim the Word. The Word of God never goes out into the world without his Breath to carry it. I think this can be helpful for thinking about how the members of the Trinity work together; however, it could be dangerous to your understanding that they are each a distinct and real person. If any of this is heretical I demand that you correct me.
I don't think I'll ever look at God's work the same way again. Everything God has ever done, and ever will do, is the work of the Father, the Son and the Spirit. I think it's reassuring to know that God is unified in His actions as well as His overall purpose. It means that Jesus' crucifixion wasn't an unjust punishment, but an act of love and victory on Jesus' part as well. Even my own sanctification is a Trinitarian work: the Father loves me and adopted me; Jesus died and rose again for me; the Spirit teaches me from the Word as He conforms me to His likeness, and gives me gifts with which to glorify Jesus - my King, my redeemer and my example. The love of the Father, the word of the Son and the power of the Spirit are at work in every believer, and consequently in every believing church. Among other things, I find it reassuring to know that the Spirit hasn't abandoned the Anglican church. He is still with us yet (well, many of us), and as long as we follow Christ He will remain, for He works alongside the Father and the Son for our good and the Father's glory. I might touch on that more in other posts.
I'm certain I haven't done this justice... but that was never going to happen. This is something that I'll be trying to understand for the rest of my life. However, I think I know my God a little better now, and for that I'm glad.
"Jesus returned to Galilee in the power of the Spirit, and news about him spread through the whole countryside. He taught in their synagogues, and everyone praised him. He went to Nazareth, where he had been brought up, and on the Sabbath day he went into the synagogue, as was his custom. And he stood up to read. The scroll of the prophet Isaiah was handed to him. Unrolling it, he found the place where it is written:
'The Spirit of the Lord is on me,
because he has anointed me
to preach good news to the poor.
He has sent me to proclaim freedom for the prisoners
and recovery of sight for the blind,
to release the oppressed,
to proclaim the year of the Lord's favor.'
Then he rolled up the scroll, gave it back to the attendant and sat down. The eyes of everyone in the synagogue were fastened on him, and he began by saying to them, 'Today this scripture is fulfilled in your hearing.'"
- Luke 4:14-21, NIV, taken from BibleGateway.com
(Note: Do not watch The Matrix or any of its sequels while trying to write anything on the Trinity.)
Thursday, July 09, 2009
one: spiritual maturity vs. marriage
“Spiritual maturity is more important than marriage.”
This really isn't where I wanted to start this review. I feel like I'm always talking about relationships, and it does wear thin... but this is different. This is not something that came from Rowan's or Steve's talks, and nor did it come from reading the Bible or praying while at AnCon. Well, not directly anyway. It's a conclusion I drew after watching the way I was thinking. It's a conclusion that is so markedly different from my normal way of thinking that it stuck with me as solidly as any of the great truths that were expounded to us. It's the first thing I wrote down on my whiteboard, so I'm going to write about it first here.
The thoughts in question went something like this:
“Hmmm... that [name removed]... she's a nice girl... Oh come on man! Stop it. There are more important things to think about.”
I guess, on reflection, this is more of an indication of how highly I valued what God was teaching me about Himself and myself at the time. Everything I learnt at AnCon both fit with what I already knew about God and made sense of the same, such that I found myself almost completely unconfused by the end. Now, I know what AnCon's like. This was my sixth. It should have been like wading through intellectual mud by Thursday at the latest, but it wasn't. As if that wasn't the work of the Spirit... I'm an Anglican for goodness sake! The Spirit should make no sense to me! Praise God that He cares more about teaching His children than about nurturing stereotypes. I love that the Teacher taught me last week, and I know that I wasn't the only one - for at least three days afterwards facebook was full of “I'm sick, but God changed my life”. God be praised!
Anyhow, from these thoughts I did come to the conclusion that to work on spiritual maturity is more valuable than to find a wife (or husband, if you're a girl, which I'm not). Jesus died for me and His Spirit is sanctifying me while leading me towards His rest. If the search for a wife (or husband) is inspired by the desire for love, then surely His love eclipses any you could ever find. The older you get and the more you watch yourself live life, the more you realise you're completely unworthy for that kind of love. You might expect affection from an equal, or even chase it in someone you think is slightly above your par, but God... no. His love is unwarranted, un-looked-for, unbounded and oh so rich.
It's the thought of sanctification that really gets me: that God would take of His righteousness and wisdom and give it to me as we walk together, rather than just dragging me along behind him through the dust. I think I remember someone once saying that God loves us just the way we are, but He loves us too much to leave us that way. That's a seriously sweet deal for us. I was taught piano by a master pianist, and it was good. To be taught life and holiness by the Master of everything... priceless. As if you wouldn't want that more than anything. I certainly want to make better use of His teaching than I do of my piano lessons.
I do feel like I need to put a good word in for marriage (well, you know, insofar as any single guy can). My pastor preached from Ephesians 5 on Sunday, emphasising how the marriage relationship mirrors the relationship between Jesus and the church. Using Genesis 2, he described to us how it's not a begrudged union, but that Jesus takes extatic delight in His bride, much like Adam did with Eve. The ability to mirror that, and to be (as it were) a small scale edification and delight factory, is a definite plus for marriage. My daily routine of listening to a radio devotional at 4am while trying to wake up for work also led me to hear some good things this week: Firstly, that a man's spiritual maturity is crucially important for the good of his family - this was challenging to hear, even as a single guy. Secondly, that parents are better parents when they live first as husband and wife, and second as father and mother, since (i hypothesise here... what do you think?) they are drawing on the example of Christ's relationship with the church, rather than that of their own fallen parents. Also, I have heard someone say that having children is the easiest way to make new Christians... and i have to admit that sounds kinda fun. Anyway, I feel as though God was trying to reign in my thoughts on marriage a little, and remind me that it is actually a good thing (1 Timothy 4:3) and that I shouldn't throw the baby out with the bathwater. It's a good thing, and yet it's not the best thing. The best one to seek after when you're single is still Jesus, not Wifey Dear. Marriage can supplement what Jesus gives, but Jesus gives all you need.
So, with the greatest love ever and the promise of sanctification, surely spiritual maturity is the more valuable goal for a young Christian guy to set his heart on. True, a life lived in Christ may include marriage, but only as a temporary perk of the job (if at all). The real goal is, as the Westminster Chatechism puts it, “to glorify God, and to enjoy Him forever”. Next time you talk to a single Christian guy/girl, please try to follow this principle: Instead of asking them how they're coping with their gift of singleness, or asking whether they're meeting lots of other lovely young people, or subtlely dropping hints about Betty/Fred, that new girl/guy at church who you think is also single... instead of this, ask them how they're going at living for Christ, at glorifying God in their life and at keeping in step with the Spirit. Seek their eternal good, and let God satisfy their other desires as He chooses.
“But whatever was to my profit I now consider loss for the sake of Christ. What is more, I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them rubbish, that I may gain Christ and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which is through faith in Christ—the righteousness that comes from God and is by faith. I want to know Christ and the power of his resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, and so, somehow, to attain to the resurrection from the dead.”
- Philippians 3:7-11, NIV, taken from BibleGateway.com
This really isn't where I wanted to start this review. I feel like I'm always talking about relationships, and it does wear thin... but this is different. This is not something that came from Rowan's or Steve's talks, and nor did it come from reading the Bible or praying while at AnCon. Well, not directly anyway. It's a conclusion I drew after watching the way I was thinking. It's a conclusion that is so markedly different from my normal way of thinking that it stuck with me as solidly as any of the great truths that were expounded to us. It's the first thing I wrote down on my whiteboard, so I'm going to write about it first here.
The thoughts in question went something like this:
“Hmmm... that [name removed]... she's a nice girl... Oh come on man! Stop it. There are more important things to think about.”
I guess, on reflection, this is more of an indication of how highly I valued what God was teaching me about Himself and myself at the time. Everything I learnt at AnCon both fit with what I already knew about God and made sense of the same, such that I found myself almost completely unconfused by the end. Now, I know what AnCon's like. This was my sixth. It should have been like wading through intellectual mud by Thursday at the latest, but it wasn't. As if that wasn't the work of the Spirit... I'm an Anglican for goodness sake! The Spirit should make no sense to me! Praise God that He cares more about teaching His children than about nurturing stereotypes. I love that the Teacher taught me last week, and I know that I wasn't the only one - for at least three days afterwards facebook was full of “I'm sick, but God changed my life”. God be praised!
Anyhow, from these thoughts I did come to the conclusion that to work on spiritual maturity is more valuable than to find a wife (or husband, if you're a girl, which I'm not). Jesus died for me and His Spirit is sanctifying me while leading me towards His rest. If the search for a wife (or husband) is inspired by the desire for love, then surely His love eclipses any you could ever find. The older you get and the more you watch yourself live life, the more you realise you're completely unworthy for that kind of love. You might expect affection from an equal, or even chase it in someone you think is slightly above your par, but God... no. His love is unwarranted, un-looked-for, unbounded and oh so rich.
It's the thought of sanctification that really gets me: that God would take of His righteousness and wisdom and give it to me as we walk together, rather than just dragging me along behind him through the dust. I think I remember someone once saying that God loves us just the way we are, but He loves us too much to leave us that way. That's a seriously sweet deal for us. I was taught piano by a master pianist, and it was good. To be taught life and holiness by the Master of everything... priceless. As if you wouldn't want that more than anything. I certainly want to make better use of His teaching than I do of my piano lessons.
I do feel like I need to put a good word in for marriage (well, you know, insofar as any single guy can). My pastor preached from Ephesians 5 on Sunday, emphasising how the marriage relationship mirrors the relationship between Jesus and the church. Using Genesis 2, he described to us how it's not a begrudged union, but that Jesus takes extatic delight in His bride, much like Adam did with Eve. The ability to mirror that, and to be (as it were) a small scale edification and delight factory, is a definite plus for marriage. My daily routine of listening to a radio devotional at 4am while trying to wake up for work also led me to hear some good things this week: Firstly, that a man's spiritual maturity is crucially important for the good of his family - this was challenging to hear, even as a single guy. Secondly, that parents are better parents when they live first as husband and wife, and second as father and mother, since (i hypothesise here... what do you think?) they are drawing on the example of Christ's relationship with the church, rather than that of their own fallen parents. Also, I have heard someone say that having children is the easiest way to make new Christians... and i have to admit that sounds kinda fun. Anyway, I feel as though God was trying to reign in my thoughts on marriage a little, and remind me that it is actually a good thing (1 Timothy 4:3) and that I shouldn't throw the baby out with the bathwater. It's a good thing, and yet it's not the best thing. The best one to seek after when you're single is still Jesus, not Wifey Dear. Marriage can supplement what Jesus gives, but Jesus gives all you need.
So, with the greatest love ever and the promise of sanctification, surely spiritual maturity is the more valuable goal for a young Christian guy to set his heart on. True, a life lived in Christ may include marriage, but only as a temporary perk of the job (if at all). The real goal is, as the Westminster Chatechism puts it, “to glorify God, and to enjoy Him forever”. Next time you talk to a single Christian guy/girl, please try to follow this principle: Instead of asking them how they're coping with their gift of singleness, or asking whether they're meeting lots of other lovely young people, or subtlely dropping hints about Betty/Fred, that new girl/guy at church who you think is also single... instead of this, ask them how they're going at living for Christ, at glorifying God in their life and at keeping in step with the Spirit. Seek their eternal good, and let God satisfy their other desires as He chooses.
“But whatever was to my profit I now consider loss for the sake of Christ. What is more, I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them rubbish, that I may gain Christ and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which is through faith in Christ—the righteousness that comes from God and is by faith. I want to know Christ and the power of his resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, and so, somehow, to attain to the resurrection from the dead.”
- Philippians 3:7-11, NIV, taken from BibleGateway.com
Tuesday, July 07, 2009
post-ancon thoughts
This is a picture of the start of my EU Annual Conference material review - a landmark event appropriate for a life-changing week. As I told my review group (8 was great!), I've never actually gone over any AnCon material at home, even though I think I've intended to each of the 5 years previous. Though this whiteboard full of thoughts is not exactly the AnCon material, it represents fairly accurately what I brought away from AnCon (I say "fairly" because I know there's one I've forgotten already!). My intention is to explore each of these thoughts, one by one, post by post - not only to describe some of what we learnt at AnCon, or to help you think some of it through yourself, but to make myself publicly accountable for thinking through each of these thoughts more thoroughly. Maybe God will even jog my memory about the one(s) I've forgotten as I go!
Here are the thoughts, in order of pondering:
1. Spiritual maturity is more important than marriage
2.a. God is Trinity - Father, Son, Spirit - reflection on personal names
2.b. God is Trinity - distinct in person, one in being, purpose and action
3. It's time to get going
4.a. Do not be afraid of Satan - the One in me is greater than him
4.b. Do not be afraid of Satan - evil is already pwned!
5. The One whose presence filled the temple such that nobody could enter has taken up residence in me
6. Where the Spirit of Christ is, there is freedom
7. The Spirit gives gifts to build Christ's body; eagerly desire them out of love for your brothers
8. Reading the Bible gives the Spirit material to work with when reminding you of Christ's words
9. Sin deserves only extreme Spirit-ual prejudice (and prejudice is definitionally a matter of foresight, not hindsight)
10. Revival starts at home
11. (just thought of this) The best worship songs start at God.
12. (EDIT - added later) The Spirit's work is fairly ordinary-looking
That's just the order I wrote them down in. I may not write posts on them in that order, but I do promise to write posts on them all, along with any further thoughts I've forgotten (or which come to mind and seem important and relevant enough). It's a substantial goal, but I'm not too phased by that - I have two and a half weeks left with nothing do to but drive flu-incubating flesh wagons.
Please feel free to question, clarify, correct, rebuke, encourage, explain or direct. I am not perfect, and you'll be helping me out if you do so.
Friday, June 12, 2009
in the cold air of june
In the cold air of June we walked to the door,
Where inside lay Dad; where he'd walk out no more.
God took him home and gave him the rest
His kidneys had begged for, thirty years at best.
Nothing prepares you for death, not when you
Are fourteen and haven't yet found out the truth
Of the words in that funny old parking lot song:
“You don't know what you've got 'til it's gone”.
In the cold air of June God showed us His care:
His children were loving us, just being there;
The funeral saw them a few hundred strong
Singing praises to God as we sent that saint on.
I've forgotten the hymn that we sang at the last,
But each one that's like it, as I sing I ask,
“Is this that old hymn whose sage words released
The flood of hot tears for that precious life ceased?”
In the cold air of June I make my way home,
Ten years of life older, and bearing a tome
Of experience; as yet an incomplete script,
But a book of God's writing 'bout a soldier equipped
With the shield of his mother: “God works all for good”;
With a quiver of comrades, among whom he's stood,
And marvelled at, cried at, sang and proclaimed
The glory of God and the power of His Name.
In the cold air of June I cannot deny
That this time of year is the time when I cry,
But nor can I ever be silent upon
The great pow'r of God in the life of His sons.
I make my way home from a party for life,
Thanking God for my own, the blessing and strife,
For His mighty hand leads me; His mighty heart loves;
I have life, I have hope, and my Father above.
-- Iain Hart
Where inside lay Dad; where he'd walk out no more.
God took him home and gave him the rest
His kidneys had begged for, thirty years at best.
Nothing prepares you for death, not when you
Are fourteen and haven't yet found out the truth
Of the words in that funny old parking lot song:
“You don't know what you've got 'til it's gone”.
In the cold air of June God showed us His care:
His children were loving us, just being there;
The funeral saw them a few hundred strong
Singing praises to God as we sent that saint on.
I've forgotten the hymn that we sang at the last,
But each one that's like it, as I sing I ask,
“Is this that old hymn whose sage words released
The flood of hot tears for that precious life ceased?”
In the cold air of June I make my way home,
Ten years of life older, and bearing a tome
Of experience; as yet an incomplete script,
But a book of God's writing 'bout a soldier equipped
With the shield of his mother: “God works all for good”;
With a quiver of comrades, among whom he's stood,
And marvelled at, cried at, sang and proclaimed
The glory of God and the power of His Name.
In the cold air of June I cannot deny
That this time of year is the time when I cry,
But nor can I ever be silent upon
The great pow'r of God in the life of His sons.
I make my way home from a party for life,
Thanking God for my own, the blessing and strife,
For His mighty hand leads me; His mighty heart loves;
I have life, I have hope, and my Father above.
-- Iain Hart
Monday, May 25, 2009
suggestion
Have you ever wandered around aimlessly in the Fisher Stack while listening to Radiohead?
I highly recommend it.
I highly recommend it.
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
buzz
It's not often these days that I'll use my blog just to brag about feeling good... but man, walking home in the rain today made be buzz even more than I was. I felt alive, and man it felt good.
I think a couple of reasons for feeling so good were that I was also listening to Street Spirit (Fade Out) by Radiohead, from The Bends (which I have decided is an incredible album), while walking home; also, I had the thought of a melancholic demeanour being "a fearful gift" going through my head courtesy of a quote in the book I'm reading, "Lincoln's Melancholy". The rain, the song, the quote all made me realise something - the sickening, smothering blackness that has been my involuntary reaction to life's curveballs can be a blessing rich, perilous, beautiful and powerful. Praise God, that was freeing.
I'm going to go and cook pasta with sauce and cheese and enjoy the heck out of it.
I think a couple of reasons for feeling so good were that I was also listening to Street Spirit (Fade Out) by Radiohead, from The Bends (which I have decided is an incredible album), while walking home; also, I had the thought of a melancholic demeanour being "a fearful gift" going through my head courtesy of a quote in the book I'm reading, "Lincoln's Melancholy". The rain, the song, the quote all made me realise something - the sickening, smothering blackness that has been my involuntary reaction to life's curveballs can be a blessing rich, perilous, beautiful and powerful. Praise God, that was freeing.
I'm going to go and cook pasta with sauce and cheese and enjoy the heck out of it.
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
wait for me
Somewhere over future's sea
I imagine that you wait for me,
Sifting through your thoughts on men,
Waiting for just one of them
Who rocks a little more than others,
Smells like safety, likes your mother,
Looks a little like Brad Pitt
(but isn't quite as full of it),
To come along and win your heart,
And make your dearest dreams to start.
Oh wondrous love, the sweetest bliss,
The prettiest rose, the tend'rest kiss,
The foulest sadness when he leaves
And says it wasn't meant to be.
Bastard. But hey, now he's gone,
You're left feeling all alone,
And I'm a sort of decent guy,
Who'd love to take his turn to try
To tell you that you're pretty sweet,
And that I think you're kinda neat.
I reckon you might think it's cool
To try to like a crazy fool,
So we could date (and keep things wholesome)
And see if us two could be awesome.
That's what I imagine, sweet,
About the way that we would meet,
It prob'ly won't be quite like that,
But come whatever, you'll be rad.
--I
I imagine that you wait for me,
Sifting through your thoughts on men,
Waiting for just one of them
Who rocks a little more than others,
Smells like safety, likes your mother,
Looks a little like Brad Pitt
(but isn't quite as full of it),
To come along and win your heart,
And make your dearest dreams to start.
Oh wondrous love, the sweetest bliss,
The prettiest rose, the tend'rest kiss,
The foulest sadness when he leaves
And says it wasn't meant to be.
Bastard. But hey, now he's gone,
You're left feeling all alone,
And I'm a sort of decent guy,
Who'd love to take his turn to try
To tell you that you're pretty sweet,
And that I think you're kinda neat.
I reckon you might think it's cool
To try to like a crazy fool,
So we could date (and keep things wholesome)
And see if us two could be awesome.
That's what I imagine, sweet,
About the way that we would meet,
It prob'ly won't be quite like that,
But come whatever, you'll be rad.
--I
Thursday, April 30, 2009
light
Light, you have been hidden for too long,
Kept alight but burning bright to none,
Pris'ner of my fear and wanton pride,
Scolding as my heart you scald inside.
Be free. I will have you no more hid.
Bear your witness to what Jesus did;
Through my hands, my words, my feet, my scars,
Tell the world of God's bright Morning Star.
-- Iain Hart
Kept alight but burning bright to none,
Pris'ner of my fear and wanton pride,
Scolding as my heart you scald inside.
Be free. I will have you no more hid.
Bear your witness to what Jesus did;
Through my hands, my words, my feet, my scars,
Tell the world of God's bright Morning Star.
-- Iain Hart
Thursday, April 16, 2009
old times
I dug this up today. Wrote it back in 2006 while walking home from uni.
When weary feet despair to tread,
And each bright day has darkness fed,
When tired eyes would see no more,
And burdened hands can catch no fall,
Know then that God hath sent the rain
To wash away the pain.
-- Iain
When weary feet despair to tread,
And each bright day has darkness fed,
When tired eyes would see no more,
And burdened hands can catch no fall,
Know then that God hath sent the rain
To wash away the pain.
-- Iain
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
be excited... or not
I loved coming back to uni and the EU at the start of this year. It felt like home. Somehow though, something had given me more clarity into a niggling annoyance I've had with the EU, and now I actually know what it is.
I really HATE being told to "be excited".
In all seriousness, what comes to my mind when I'm told to be excited is not "okay then". It's not even "No". It's something more akin to "F*** off". I REALLY don't like it. I'm not sure exactly why, but hopefully I can work some of it out here.
First reason: it's false.
If I'm not already excited about something, and if you don't convince me of something's worth by explaining its virtues, then for me to comply with your exhortation I have to lie.
Second reason: it's unnatural.
Individuals all react differently to, and feel differently about, the same things. Inasmuch as we're a community of believers and inextricably bound to each other with Christ's blood, each believer is an individual. It's not necessarily an unhealthy thing - we all are born and die alone, in the sense that we're (usually) the only one experiencing that moment. Likewise, the myriad of other moments we experience in life we experience in our own ways, with the mind, body and emotions God made us with. For some people, excitement is not really what they do, even though for others it's their perpetuity.
Third reason: it looks weird.
If anyone who isn't part of the Christian community, or even part of a different Christian community, notices any kind of unnatural feel to our excitement, there goes whatever reputation we had for authenticity. Also, it looks plastic fantastic, as though we have our heads in the clouds and can't see the crap in the world. Nobody likes plastic fantastic Christians, not even other Christians.
Fourth reason: it's assumptive.
To tell someone what to be excited about, you first have to assume two things: a) that they are unable to become excited about good things on their own, and b) the thing you're promoting is good. The first thing is rarely true - God made us pretty awesome, and in general we react to things appropriately. The second, unfortunately, is by no means a safe assumption to make, no matter how much work has gone into it. If something relies on excitement to be successful, it's either not really all that inherently effective, or it'll work a whole heap better with naturally-grown and authentic excitement. Not everything needs people to be excited about it for it to work. If that were the case, the Anglican church would be a bible study in some small house in Canterbury, and the divorce rate would be one for one.
Fifth reason: it's not what Jesus did.
I'm generally not a fan of common Christian practices or mindsets that Jesus didn't start. They tend to be a little baseless. Jesus didn't tell his disciples to be excited about his ministry, but everybody was (one way or the other :oP). We're supposedly carrying on His ministry. Why do we feel as though we need to tell people to be excited? Do we fear a lack of substance? Maybe we're looking for substance in the wrong place.
Sixth reason: see my post entitled "what should I write...?" and apply it to the simple paraphrase "you should be excited about this thing".
I don't actually think that the EU is the only organisation doing this - I'm pretty sure it's a fairly universal thing for Christians around Sydney. I love the EU, and my church, and my brothers and sisters in other churches, but I think this is ugly, and that there's gotta be a better, less irritating way to be effective Christians... whatever that means. Grace and the power of the Spirit, anyone?
I really HATE being told to "be excited".
In all seriousness, what comes to my mind when I'm told to be excited is not "okay then". It's not even "No". It's something more akin to "F*** off". I REALLY don't like it. I'm not sure exactly why, but hopefully I can work some of it out here.
First reason: it's false.
If I'm not already excited about something, and if you don't convince me of something's worth by explaining its virtues, then for me to comply with your exhortation I have to lie.
Second reason: it's unnatural.
Individuals all react differently to, and feel differently about, the same things. Inasmuch as we're a community of believers and inextricably bound to each other with Christ's blood, each believer is an individual. It's not necessarily an unhealthy thing - we all are born and die alone, in the sense that we're (usually) the only one experiencing that moment. Likewise, the myriad of other moments we experience in life we experience in our own ways, with the mind, body and emotions God made us with. For some people, excitement is not really what they do, even though for others it's their perpetuity.
Third reason: it looks weird.
If anyone who isn't part of the Christian community, or even part of a different Christian community, notices any kind of unnatural feel to our excitement, there goes whatever reputation we had for authenticity. Also, it looks plastic fantastic, as though we have our heads in the clouds and can't see the crap in the world. Nobody likes plastic fantastic Christians, not even other Christians.
Fourth reason: it's assumptive.
To tell someone what to be excited about, you first have to assume two things: a) that they are unable to become excited about good things on their own, and b) the thing you're promoting is good. The first thing is rarely true - God made us pretty awesome, and in general we react to things appropriately. The second, unfortunately, is by no means a safe assumption to make, no matter how much work has gone into it. If something relies on excitement to be successful, it's either not really all that inherently effective, or it'll work a whole heap better with naturally-grown and authentic excitement. Not everything needs people to be excited about it for it to work. If that were the case, the Anglican church would be a bible study in some small house in Canterbury, and the divorce rate would be one for one.
Fifth reason: it's not what Jesus did.
I'm generally not a fan of common Christian practices or mindsets that Jesus didn't start. They tend to be a little baseless. Jesus didn't tell his disciples to be excited about his ministry, but everybody was (one way or the other :oP). We're supposedly carrying on His ministry. Why do we feel as though we need to tell people to be excited? Do we fear a lack of substance? Maybe we're looking for substance in the wrong place.
Sixth reason: see my post entitled "what should I write...?" and apply it to the simple paraphrase "you should be excited about this thing".
I don't actually think that the EU is the only organisation doing this - I'm pretty sure it's a fairly universal thing for Christians around Sydney. I love the EU, and my church, and my brothers and sisters in other churches, but I think this is ugly, and that there's gotta be a better, less irritating way to be effective Christians... whatever that means. Grace and the power of the Spirit, anyone?
Sunday, March 22, 2009
apologies
Sorry, ladies.
I'm afraid I can't live up to a vampire.
My skin doesn't glitter in the sunlight.
I may be well-spoken sometimes, but it's too rare to be cute.
I can't carry you on my back into the treetops to converse.
And, truth be told, I've only been waiting 24 years for you.
Poor effort, I know. You'd probably best look elsewhere.
I'm afraid I can't live up to a vampire.
My skin doesn't glitter in the sunlight.
I may be well-spoken sometimes, but it's too rare to be cute.
I can't carry you on my back into the treetops to converse.
And, truth be told, I've only been waiting 24 years for you.
Poor effort, I know. You'd probably best look elsewhere.
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
what should i write...?
What should I write? Should I even write anything right now? Shouldn't I go to bed? This shouldn't really be a question for me, given how late it is. I should really be asleep by now... but then, I should write this while I'm still thinking of it. So where should I start...?
Count how many times I used the word "should" or "shouldn't" in that last paragraph, and then compare it with how many of these uses felt unnatural. How natural did that last paragraph feel as you read it? I think it sounds like something I could actually write... and yet, I've used the word "should" at least once in every sentence.
Who cares? Well, I do. When undergoing cognitive behavioral therapy for depression, I was taught about numerous distortions that come up in thought patterns which are unhelpful for your mood (and thus, in various ways, for your wellbeing). One of these was the use of the word "should". You see, this little word and those related to it (shouldn't, ought, could...but, etc.) appear innocuous enough, but they express a dangerous belief in an oversimplified term. You have judged yourself (or someone else) and found yourself (or them) wanting, according to some ideal you have in mind - an ideal that can only be reached with some change of self or circumstance - and so you believe yourself (or them) the worse for it, at least until something changes. This is all very well for things like, "I should buy this CD," but it becomes a self-compounding mess when your thought is, "I should tidy my awfully messy room," or "I should love you," or "I should be happy." You can end up so low at the thought of just how far short you fall of your ideal, that to begin to contemplate change brings nothing but agony and guilt.
Learning about how much this kind of thought can trap you in a downward cycle, I was amazed when I started to see everyone around me using this word so much. These thoughts are commonplace; this word is commonplace, and the thoughts that go behind it are the same for all. These thoughts affect some more than others, but they do affect us all negatively. Don't you feel trapped when you say you should do something? Doesn't that thing bind you, hold you, make everything else seem further off? Doesn't the way you should be make you feel a little disappointed about the way you are now? Doesn't chasing down the person you should be wear you out? I bet I'm not alone in this.
If this is a universal habit, and is negatively affecting us all, why not let it go? Fixing this pattern of thought is part of a mental health treatment plan. The official statistics about mental illness say that 1 in 5 people in Australia have a mental illness of some kind, but mental illnesses are often aggravated by societal habits such as this and I'd be willing to bet there are many non-reported cases. I think collectively changing this thought pattern would help us all.
Count how many times I used the word "should" or "shouldn't" in that last paragraph, and then compare it with how many of these uses felt unnatural. How natural did that last paragraph feel as you read it? I think it sounds like something I could actually write... and yet, I've used the word "should" at least once in every sentence.
Who cares? Well, I do. When undergoing cognitive behavioral therapy for depression, I was taught about numerous distortions that come up in thought patterns which are unhelpful for your mood (and thus, in various ways, for your wellbeing). One of these was the use of the word "should". You see, this little word and those related to it (shouldn't, ought, could...but, etc.) appear innocuous enough, but they express a dangerous belief in an oversimplified term. You have judged yourself (or someone else) and found yourself (or them) wanting, according to some ideal you have in mind - an ideal that can only be reached with some change of self or circumstance - and so you believe yourself (or them) the worse for it, at least until something changes. This is all very well for things like, "I should buy this CD," but it becomes a self-compounding mess when your thought is, "I should tidy my awfully messy room," or "I should love you," or "I should be happy." You can end up so low at the thought of just how far short you fall of your ideal, that to begin to contemplate change brings nothing but agony and guilt.
Learning about how much this kind of thought can trap you in a downward cycle, I was amazed when I started to see everyone around me using this word so much. These thoughts are commonplace; this word is commonplace, and the thoughts that go behind it are the same for all. These thoughts affect some more than others, but they do affect us all negatively. Don't you feel trapped when you say you should do something? Doesn't that thing bind you, hold you, make everything else seem further off? Doesn't the way you should be make you feel a little disappointed about the way you are now? Doesn't chasing down the person you should be wear you out? I bet I'm not alone in this.
If this is a universal habit, and is negatively affecting us all, why not let it go? Fixing this pattern of thought is part of a mental health treatment plan. The official statistics about mental illness say that 1 in 5 people in Australia have a mental illness of some kind, but mental illnesses are often aggravated by societal habits such as this and I'd be willing to bet there are many non-reported cases. I think collectively changing this thought pattern would help us all.
We are those whose love for each other is one of God's principal signs to the entire world. With a frame of mind like this, though, we might as well be stabbing ourselves in the foot before we leave our bedrooms of a morning. That kind of self-mutilation would be a more obvious but no less inhibitive way to create a holy army of the walking wounded. One of the hardest things to do as a depressed person is to think outside of yourself. Usually this manifests itself in hopelessness, in believing the future's necessarily bleak, but it also plays out in being unattuned to the needs of those around you (remember, as you read this, that it's an illness and not a deliberate state of character). Being unaware of the needs of those around you makes it really hard to love them. In this way, depression and related illnesses can hurt the church as well as the people sick with it, so it would seem to make sense to heal it... or do we want to make life hard for ourselves? There's no righteousness to be gained from beating ourselves up or trapping ourselves in little mental cages, even if we don't have depression. Christian righteousness doesn't work that way - it's a gift, and it's a process God's in control of.
Let go the delusion that you can help yourself by mentally backing yourself into a corner, or that your brothers and sisters can be spurred on by even the most eloquently worded of judgments on their current state. Put your thoughts and words to more effective use by praying for healing for the minds of the church, and by praying for patience when you're frustrated at not being perfect yet (or at someone else not being perfect yet). Look at yourself with sober judgment - neither haughty nor falsely humble. Open your eyes to the reality of our situation: depraved, but saved, and slowly but surely sanctified by God, our Father, who loves us each dearly. Ditch the self-spun guilt. It's an unseemly garland about your neck, Christian.
Sunday, March 01, 2009
waking hours
Hallelujah! What a Saviour!
God is awesome. No matter how hard I try, I still can't get my head around the fact that the most powerful and glorious act in the history of the universe was also the most humble and weak. This simply amazes me. What a man. What a God. What love and faithfulness! And what a call it is to be like Him. How could I ever be? How could I ever be a Christ-like man? How could I ever be a husband who gives himself up for his wife like Christ did for the church? How could I ever be so lovingly humble? What a call.
In other news, I'm awake and it's past midnight. Well, I'm awake and haven't slept yet. I've called in "sick" for tomorrow, so if something happens to you on a bus tomorrow morning it won't be because I slept while I was too tired. I lay awake for a while wondering if I really wanted to lose the day's pay, but the lives of up to 70 people at a time are worth far more than that money. I guess having to make a decision like that means I must be some kind of adult now hey.
God is awesome. No matter how hard I try, I still can't get my head around the fact that the most powerful and glorious act in the history of the universe was also the most humble and weak. This simply amazes me. What a man. What a God. What love and faithfulness! And what a call it is to be like Him. How could I ever be? How could I ever be a Christ-like man? How could I ever be a husband who gives himself up for his wife like Christ did for the church? How could I ever be so lovingly humble? What a call.
In other news, I'm awake and it's past midnight. Well, I'm awake and haven't slept yet. I've called in "sick" for tomorrow, so if something happens to you on a bus tomorrow morning it won't be because I slept while I was too tired. I lay awake for a while wondering if I really wanted to lose the day's pay, but the lives of up to 70 people at a time are worth far more than that money. I guess having to make a decision like that means I must be some kind of adult now hey.
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
disappointment
Nothing makes me want to scream in frustration like the thought of what might have been.
...well, more accurately, the thought of how things are now compared to how I once thought they could be.
The most surprising of these to me... it happened exactly how I thought it would. I didn't want it to happen, but I knew that it would, and after four and a half years I still don't know how to feel about it.
I suppose, all told, this is just what it's like to be disappointed in life... and that's going to happen more, about as surely as the sun's going to come up. If it doesn't, it means Jesus is back. I know that how I deal with it will determine a great deal of how I turn out as a person, and that I'm in God's hands and being moulded in that regard. Even so, my instinctive reaction is still to scream, and it stops me from sleeping.
...well, more accurately, the thought of how things are now compared to how I once thought they could be.
The most surprising of these to me... it happened exactly how I thought it would. I didn't want it to happen, but I knew that it would, and after four and a half years I still don't know how to feel about it.
I suppose, all told, this is just what it's like to be disappointed in life... and that's going to happen more, about as surely as the sun's going to come up. If it doesn't, it means Jesus is back. I know that how I deal with it will determine a great deal of how I turn out as a person, and that I'm in God's hands and being moulded in that regard. Even so, my instinctive reaction is still to scream, and it stops me from sleeping.
Saturday, February 21, 2009
wedding
So I was playing Fallout 3 and I got two people to get married. I gave the daughter of the galley cook in Rivet City some ant pheromones so she could seduce the acolyte at the local church who she was keen on. Weird, and wrong, i know, but hey. They got married with everyone there, and it was kinda nice. However, my absolute favourite part of the whole thing is how, at the ceremony, she was carrying a big freaking knife in her right hand.
I love weddings.
On a completely unrelated note, Rage is weird. I genuinely mean that. I just found myself staring at it open-mouthed in disbelief of the weirdness.
I love weddings.
On a completely unrelated note, Rage is weird. I genuinely mean that. I just found myself staring at it open-mouthed in disbelief of the weirdness.
Friday, February 06, 2009
not 25 things
I feel slightly compelled to ask why everyone is taking up the 25 random things in a note challenge. It's not that I'm confused as to why people would do such a thing - on the contrary, I've blogged for years with the motivation that at least someone in the world would know what's in my head. That part I understand, though I do wonder at its legitimacy. What I wonder about now is the timing and the magnitude. Why now? Why so many? Is there a more profound reason than that it's fun?
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
back
I'm back at uni right now, just for a bit. No classes of course, just the sandstone and the rain.
I love this place, but I can only assume that in feeling this way I'm suffering from some kind of Stockholm Syndrome. It hasn't been an easy five years, but I can't say I'd rather have spent them anywhere else. My captor has soothed me with old paper and stone, offered me thoughts to sate my curiosities, and tied me up with 5 years of debt that would be useless if I left now.
Sometimes I wish I was potential Ph.D. material. Sometimes... when everything else in life seems even more torturous and less well-defined.
I love this place, but I can only assume that in feeling this way I'm suffering from some kind of Stockholm Syndrome. It hasn't been an easy five years, but I can't say I'd rather have spent them anywhere else. My captor has soothed me with old paper and stone, offered me thoughts to sate my curiosities, and tied me up with 5 years of debt that would be useless if I left now.
Sometimes I wish I was potential Ph.D. material. Sometimes... when everything else in life seems even more torturous and less well-defined.
denied
"We're not letting you in. For now." --Facebook
Odd. And possibly not the greatest website error message from a PR viewpoint.
Odd. And possibly not the greatest website error message from a PR viewpoint.
Saturday, January 17, 2009
bogart
Too long, world.
At this very moment I'm watching a black and white Humphrey Bogart movie with the sound right down and Pyramid Song by Radiohead playing over the top. Thom Yorke sings "It was nothing to fear, nothing at all" and Bogart kisses the dame. The music builds momentum, tensions build and Bogart drives off... no, I can't describe this well enough. Do it yourself.
It's been a while since I've written much, and I've had the urge for a few days. It's a bit challenging to type at the moment, coz I've only got the use of one of my little fingers. The finger I normally use for the Shift key was taken out of action on Thursday in a commando roll incident. Something stabbed into it mid-roll, which I promptly removed and threw away before ascertaining the nature of it, but not before some kind of toxin was introduced to my gentle white city boy flesh. It's now swollen, pink and bandaged; I'm taking antibiotics and have had a tetanus shot. All from one stinking poorly-executed commando roll.
Wow, a silhouette leaves an injured man in an alleyway as You and Whose Army? draws to a close.
I'm a day's work away from driving buses unsupervised. With my as-yet-limited experience, I have a few words for the general public:
1. Don't drive like a n00b.
2. Don't play chicken with me - you really don't want to lose.
3. Be nice, because it will come back to you and make your day just that little bit nicer :o)
4. If I can hear your iPod from the driver's seat, I will probably laugh at you, though you won't hear it because you're too busy killing your ears.
Hmm... I wonder if anyone who's studied sociology could help me out here. Is it true that we all have equal potential in this society, or is that a myth invented by the upper class and taught to us in school to appease their collective conscience? And from whence comes the sense of difference between classes?
I have decided that prejudice is counter-productive. It certaintly doesn't do me any good to be prejudiced at work, but nor does it help me do my job when I encounter the prejudices of another directed at my uniform. And that's not even taking into consideration the affect of these things on others.
People died weirdly in black and white.
At this very moment I'm watching a black and white Humphrey Bogart movie with the sound right down and Pyramid Song by Radiohead playing over the top. Thom Yorke sings "It was nothing to fear, nothing at all" and Bogart kisses the dame. The music builds momentum, tensions build and Bogart drives off... no, I can't describe this well enough. Do it yourself.
It's been a while since I've written much, and I've had the urge for a few days. It's a bit challenging to type at the moment, coz I've only got the use of one of my little fingers. The finger I normally use for the Shift key was taken out of action on Thursday in a commando roll incident. Something stabbed into it mid-roll, which I promptly removed and threw away before ascertaining the nature of it, but not before some kind of toxin was introduced to my gentle white city boy flesh. It's now swollen, pink and bandaged; I'm taking antibiotics and have had a tetanus shot. All from one stinking poorly-executed commando roll.
Wow, a silhouette leaves an injured man in an alleyway as You and Whose Army? draws to a close.
I'm a day's work away from driving buses unsupervised. With my as-yet-limited experience, I have a few words for the general public:
1. Don't drive like a n00b.
2. Don't play chicken with me - you really don't want to lose.
3. Be nice, because it will come back to you and make your day just that little bit nicer :o)
4. If I can hear your iPod from the driver's seat, I will probably laugh at you, though you won't hear it because you're too busy killing your ears.
Hmm... I wonder if anyone who's studied sociology could help me out here. Is it true that we all have equal potential in this society, or is that a myth invented by the upper class and taught to us in school to appease their collective conscience? And from whence comes the sense of difference between classes?
I have decided that prejudice is counter-productive. It certaintly doesn't do me any good to be prejudiced at work, but nor does it help me do my job when I encounter the prejudices of another directed at my uniform. And that's not even taking into consideration the affect of these things on others.
People died weirdly in black and white.
Tuesday, January 06, 2009
marketing brilliance
Newsflash: I now have a coffee-flavoured computer.
This is an AMAZING potential product. Not only could geeks get their caffeine fix with a simple lick, but it would fill any room with the unmistakeable scent of warm homeliness. A must-buy for the caffeine addict and the discerning real estate agent seeking to add the finishing touch to any house inspection.
Simple to produce: just cough while drinking coffee in front of any normal PC.
I want royalties.
This is an AMAZING potential product. Not only could geeks get their caffeine fix with a simple lick, but it would fill any room with the unmistakeable scent of warm homeliness. A must-buy for the caffeine addict and the discerning real estate agent seeking to add the finishing touch to any house inspection.
Simple to produce: just cough while drinking coffee in front of any normal PC.
I want royalties.
Friday, January 02, 2009
in the other room
Crazy noises:
Guitar, eagles, guns and questions.
Heartbeats, silences, screams and beeps,
Bracketed by plastic music.
fun
empty
All I want to do is write
but I cannot.
Not because of the cacophony.
At least,
not because of the one outside.
To write is to soar,
freer than an eagle,
on thermals high above consciousness;
To take a breath and paint
thoughts as words
before your eyes.
To see with your mind
then speak with your hands.
To create worlds of words;
to pronounce judgment with sentences;
to evince what you desire.
To write would be freedom,
But a stream of consciousness
is all I can muster.
True beauty is wrought of control,
of the deft motions of an artisan's hands
and not of wanton release.
I aspire to gracefulness in words,
to create worlds of my own,
to see sweet black on marvellous white
unfolding the myriad colours of imagination -
my imagination -
before me.
Guitar, eagles, guns and questions.
Heartbeats, silences, screams and beeps,
Bracketed by plastic music.
fun
empty
All I want to do is write
but I cannot.
Not because of the cacophony.
At least,
not because of the one outside.
To write is to soar,
freer than an eagle,
on thermals high above consciousness;
To take a breath and paint
thoughts as words
before your eyes.
To see with your mind
then speak with your hands.
To create worlds of words;
to pronounce judgment with sentences;
to evince what you desire.
To write would be freedom,
But a stream of consciousness
is all I can muster.
True beauty is wrought of control,
of the deft motions of an artisan's hands
and not of wanton release.
I aspire to gracefulness in words,
to create worlds of my own,
to see sweet black on marvellous white
unfolding the myriad colours of imagination -
my imagination -
before me.
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