awakening

I don't know if you've ever had a day when you realise that all is not as it seems... I had one of those today. In a very real sense, everything I had ever known came into question, and forced me to deal with it. God and I are working on it as I speak.

I think I should also mention that any threats I should happen to make, no matter what the context may be, are almost certainly idle threats and may safely be ignored.

poetry ii

Be still, will you!
You know you always move
Too fast.
You know I hate it
When you do that.
You just don't seem to
Get it.
You can't bear this,
You will break,
And I'm going to have to pick up
The pieces
All over again.
I don't like it when you do that to me.
I don't like it when you
Run away with some
Flighty notion and get us into some
Ridiculous situation that
I don't know how to deal with
That leaves us both hurt.
Stop it!
Just sit down and shut up for a while.
Let me drink my tea
And read my paper in peace.

- Anon

mawwiage... mawwiage is whot brings us togethaar...

To the best of my memory (not good) that's a quote from The Princess Bride. I find it funny.

Marriage is all around me at the moment. Saturday brings the marriage of Liss, the Terraces supervisor, to Jamie, an all-round great bloke. Exciting times! It's awesome seeing them so excited about each other. Monday brought the news that one of my second-year friends is engaged - "wow!" is about all I can say to that! He's my age! I still can't believe it. There's another wedding in the near future at Barneys, and Staffworker Mel is getting married in about a month too. There's Sean & Julia already married and only a few years older than me (well, Sean's only a few months). Then of course there's all the prospectives on the horizon*... four that I can think of in my own house alone that could happen within two years, and at least two of those could be on the closer side of the two years. There's a couple of prospectives at uni as well. And there's an awfully huge number of people in close proximity to me who are growing more and more discontent with being single.

What does all this do to a man's psyche? Well, I think I'm finally getting a wholesome, healing, God-glorifying view of marriage in my head - an institution that promotes love, trust, freedom of expression and God-honouring productivity (and reproductivity, but that's another matter). I think I'm finally getting the idea in my head that it is a good thing, not fundamentally a bad or limiting thing. Seeing the way Christians relate to each other romantically and lovingly is an awesomely edifying experience on the whole.

My only major concern is for those amongst us who are discontent with single life and have no colours to choose from (this comes from a figure of speech know to Terracites as "painting the room" - aka "going out" amongst common folk). Such excitement happening around such people makes them feel quite bad sometimes. It actually sucks. Have to make sure the lofty take care of the lowly.

*This is largely speculation at the moment. However, since the beginning of the year, I've successfully predicted the occurrence of three separate romantic situations between people around me. I reckon at least one of these marriages has to happen.

recurrence

always there, one way or another...

I find it strange that words, thoughts and themes keep recurring over and over and over in life. No relenting, no relaxing; going from one state of illusioned control to the next. Ultimately, we have no idea what's happening to us in our lives and confusion is paramount.

know I care, know why I bother...

Do I really know anything about anything that happens in my life? Well of course I do... but not much. I'm clueless and scared to make mistakes. Will I ever learn anything? Maybe I have over-learnt to be careful.

know you Him, love Him forever...

Such a comfort to know that though you have no idea it is God who is in control of everything. I suppose that if I could see where I was going all the time I would have slammed on the brakes hard by now, so it's just as well I can't because I've got to trust Him. He'll get me there.

ever fair, look to no other!

anaesthetic

Coffee can be a wonderful anaesthetic. It can dull your pain when you think about the mountain of work you have to climb over and tumble down. It can dull your pain when you think you're socially inept by dulling your wits enough to overcome rational thought. It can dull your pain when you know that you haven't had anywhere near enough sleep, by making you forget your tiredness. It can dull the shock of an unexpected situation. Its warmth and smoothness can soothe the emotions and lend a shallow peace to a troubled mind.
I have a mountain of work to try to climb now, and I've already had too much coffee. It's making me socially inept because it's making me forget that human beings need sleep (and plenty of it). I'm sure to come across an unexpected situation that will trouble me in the next day or so because of this. And what did I just have? Another cup...

serenity

Well, that first year social was great! What a turnout! It was really encouraging to see the next generation of EU Science folk coming together and getting along really well! I'm so grateful for the chance to serve the EU Science group, which I love dearly. God has grown me so much through my fellowship with them, and I hope I can be a part of such growth for the others in the group.
Its a great chance to serve, and God willing I will do so to the best of my abilities. Yet now, as with many of the times in my recent life, I have no serenity in the decision. With Jess, it turned out for the best that I just couldn't stand the unrest any longer. I am still studying my BSc, despite the unrest I felt last year and despite realising that I will not use it directly in my vocation, and I'm at peace with that decision because it gives me more time to serve in the EU - at least 3.5 more years instead of 1.5. So here we have one situation where listening to the unrest brought good, and one where putting it behind me brought good. It was stronger with Jess - is every other time I feel it just an echo, or a memory of a fear of being taken somewhere I don't want to go that is conjured up by my imagination when faced with a decision? Is it just that, an imagination? Is it a deep psychotic fear that rears its ugly head when I need to make a decision that could change my life or take me into uncharted waters? Is it God trying to psych me out of going somewhere He doesn't want me? (I hardly believe this is God's way - he would speak more clearly than that). Is it Satan making me doubt the trustworthiness of the omnipotent God?

It is my bane.

It consumes my consciousness, sneaking through any half-open window and any door left ajar. I find it almost impossible to trust God, or even to come to God, when this happens because I am afraid of His answer. I become afraid to trust Him who alone is the only trustworthy one.

Maybe all I have to do is jump.

For someone who puts so much emphasis on logic, it's amazing that feelings can cripple me so much.

I think I should jump. His omnipotent arms will catch me, in His good timing.

I will serve; one way or another I will serve my serving Saviour. I think that this chance will be the way, but I will have to trust Him wholeheartedly.

Prayer meeting next door. I go to meet my Saviour.

procrastination can wait

No seriously, this isn't procrastination, it's just filling in time before the pizza arrives for dinner. The fact that I have other things that need to be done is of little consequence right now. There are far more important matters at hand:

1. Ummm.... ahhh...

Okay, so I'm procrastinating.

I find it interesting how the things that you know will be the best and most important things you have ever done are often the hardest things of all to do. I find it interesting how these things, although always constant in their most important nature, often lose the lustre of their appeal when something a little more shiny catches your eye. Actually, I find it a little scary, and the sense of regret that you feel when you draw your gaze back to the important things I find disturbing. And yet, it is also a problem when you so vigorously draw your gaze back as to negatively affect people you care about.
Wow, how cryptic is that! More later.

Later (after pizza and good times with the boys):
Well look, I just hate the thought of hurting people, and I think sometimes I could hurt people when I try so hard to keep my focus on the big things and forget to care. It worries me that I do this - really worries me - and it worries me too that at the same time I've got so much concern for the way people see me. Seriously, if I'm too concerned with making sure that everyone is thinking that I've got all the big things together and there's nothing out of the ordinary happening that I neglect to be a friend to a friend then I don't care what anyone says - my priorities are down the crapper and I should get my head forcefully pulled back out into the sunshine and smacked. Being like that is hardly the way to grow up to be a man of God.
Wow, angry... i guess my blood must still be racing from calling Centrelink this morning...

three's a crowd

third post in 24 hours... yeah... i swear i'm not an addict...

I just discovered the most awesome flavour sensation. I wanted something sweet to eat, and when perousing the contents of my fridge, I came across an almost-empty bottle of cream. I had wanted to eat this cream for some time, but lacking a cake I thought I couldn't. However, this time I decided that my cakelessness would not get the better of me, so I took the bottle and mixed a spoonful honey into the cream - a trick that I've done many a time with plain yoghourt. Well, the result was delectable and truly delicious. Smooth, sweet and creamy - three of the best things any food can be, all in one deligtfully simple delicacy.

This wonderful food got me thinking. It reminded me of God's promise to the Israelites to bring them into "a land flowing with milk and honey", meaning that it was abundant with every good thing. We live in a land such as this - if I wanted to, I could go right now and buy more cream and honey and gorge myself on it until I was twice my current size. The "land of milk and honey" promised to the Israelites was the land of Canaan. This land was looked over by Abraham's nephew Lot in favour of the plains around Sodom, which the Bible says were like the garden of the Lord - I'm guessing that means Eden, and by that I'm guessing they would have been pretty darn special, and abundant in all good things. The problem is that the men who lived there were very sinful, greedy and immoral, which eventually led to the destruction of the cities of Sodom and Gomorrah and, I'm guessing, the desolation of that beautiful land.
As I may have already said, I was challenged last week to "Love God, and fear nothing but sin." I think that as we live in a land of milk and honey, enjoying every day the abundancies that our wealth affords us, we should fear sin all the more. After all, from those to whom much has been given, much will be expected.

what's in a name?

You know, i'm sure, of those moments when for some reason, be it tiredness or happiness or anger, you look at something and it takes on an entirely different meaning or appearance. I just got one of those while looking at my last name while searching for myself on Google. You know, like normal people do all the time. Went something like: "Hmmm... yeah... lots of them... hmmm... it looks a bit funny... its a little odd... man, its really quite weird... is that really my last name? surely not... really? I call myself that?..." and so on. Maybe now I understand why people look like they're trying very hard to keep a straight, affirming face when I tell them what my last name is.

Ah, life is sweet when you're too tired for anything to not be funny...

poetry

I love poetry. No, really. Check this one out:

Believe me, if all those endearing young charms,
Which I gaze on so fondly today,
Were to change by tomorrow, and fleet in my arms,
Like fairy-gifts fading away,
Thou wouldst still be adored, as this moment thou art,
Let thy loveliness fade as it will,
And around the dear ruin each wish of my heart
Would entwine itself verdantly still.

It is not while beauty and youth are thine own,
And thy cheeks unprofaned by a tear
That the fervor and faith of a soul can be known,
To which time will but make thee more dear;
No, the heart that has truly loved never forgets,
But as truly loves on to the close,
As the sunflower turns on her god, when he sets,
The same look which she turned when he rose.

-Thomas Moore

And this one, its a classic!

Sonnet 130

My mistress' eyes are nothing like the sun;
Coral is far more red than her lips' red;
If snow be white, why then her breasts are dun;
If hairs be wires, black wires grow on her head.
I have seen roses damasked, red and white,
But no such roses see I in her cheeks;
And in some perfumes is there more delight
Than in the breath that from my mistress reeks.
I love to hear her speak, yet well I know
That music hath a far more pleasing sound;
I grant I never saw a goddess go;
My mistress, when she walks, treads on the ground.
And yet, by heaven, I think my love as rare
As any she belied with false compare.

- William Shakespeare

Here's a late-night attempt of my own:

[Several attempts have been edited out this morning which had the potential to be quite embarrasing, and on the strength of which I really should have been in bed asleep long before I wrote them. Sorry to rob you of the juiciness. --Iain]

Wait.
Don't hurry yourself,
Be patient through this life,
For nothing worth receiving,
Will pass by fast as light.

Stop.
Think it over some,
And make sure that it's right,
For if its not, a moment's joy
Will not be worth the strife.

Go.
Get to bed now Iain,
And rest your weary brain,
For surely nothing's switched on right;
You're sprouting crap again.

- Iain

how to make an impact

"Give me one hundred preachers who fear nothing but sin, and desire nothing but God, and I care not a straw whether they be clergymen or laymen, such alone will shake the gates of Hell and setup the kingdom of heaven upon earth."
- John Wesley

riches

I've been listening to Nathan Tasker a bit lately. One of his songs mentions that proverb "He is no fool, who will give away what he can never keep to gain what he will never lose." And I've been challenged by a friend of mine, who has been challenged to live every day as if it were his last. I have been challenged too by the fact that no marriage will survive death. And another friend once said to me (she was a girl), "I'm just going to run as hard and as fast as I can for God, and if a guy can keep up and is going in the same direction as me, [I might think about it.]" (this isn't what she said exactly, but I can't be bothered digging up the letter...)

I've been looking for riches in the wrong place!

To think I've been so worried about getting myself into yet another relationship where my attention would be diverted from God, that my attention was diverted from God and His way for my life. Foolishness! Here's a good case for living the most Christ-centred single life possible, for such a life prepares you for both a life of singleness as a Christian and life as a married Christian at the same time, so that whichever path it pleases God to give you, you will live it to the full as a wholehearted servant of the risen Christ, to the praise and glory of God. I challenge you to find a better way to live!

chemistry

- is confusing
- is hard
- must only be attempted when open to being proven wrong
- makes mice out of lesser men (like me)


So what can be said for chemistry?


I'm dropping it as soon as I can. Physics makes so much more sense.

the burdening past

Pivotal moments are times when the decision you are presented with has the potential to shape the course of your life. There are usually two paths to take, one choice to go ahead and one choice to hold back, or one leading to something which is best, and one leading to something which although not necessarily bad, is definitionally not as good as the other choice. It can be very hard to tell which is which when the decision is first presented, and it often gets no clearer as more thought is put to it, but one thing is certain: if you make the wrong choice, you'll regret it.

There probably comes a time in everyone's life when they wish that they didn't have to remember their past. I'm at such a time. I have a pivotal moment in front of me, one for which the outcomes are as yet unclear. Such decisions come to all, and many times over, yet it troubles me. Why? Well, clouding my judgement is the memory of every single mistake I've ever made, both in going ahead and holding back, both in the same area of life in which this particular decision lies and in all others. They make me fear the decision, making me want to run from it and not face up to the fact that reality will always need to be dealt with, one way or the other. Insofar as it is my choice to make (it is not entirely mine), I should have the courage to face up to the responsibility to make that choice, and to bear the results with dignity, and yet I run from it as much as I can. I am weary of running, and I hope that when I do make the choice, which I shall soon, I will not be weary also of the choice, so much so as to lose sight of the joy that the right decision could bring.

I am a runner. I run from responsibility, I run from trouble, I run from a helping hand and I run when I'm tired because walking is too slow and leaves too much time to think. I run because I cannot rest, and I cannot be comfortable.

I think I'll go for a run now.

----------------------------------------------------

The Road goes ever on and on
Down from the door where it began.
Now far ahead the Road has gone,
And I must follow, if I can,
Pursuing it with eager feet,
Until it joins some larger way
Where many paths and errands meet.
And whither then? I cannot say."
- J. R. R. Tolkien

something different

here's a post with meaning! Yay!

Was having a conversation with some friends about boys being stupid and confused and girls being stupid and confusing. In the general sense it is true, and therefore it is true for relationship things too. However the implication was made that boys must always make the first move. It was later put forward in a conversation with some bloke friends that because boys are simplistic but girls aren't, and that girls know all about what's going on and guys often have only half the story, it should be the girls who make the first moves for the sake of establishing a common ground on which something can be built.

Women of the world, take heed of these words! A simple "So we like each other, hey?" would go a long way! Then we could make the move you want us to without fear of being shot down to crash and burn in a sulking confused mess.

----------------------------------

always there, one way or another,
not yet there, yet there's no other,
unsure where, but ruing cover,
ever fair, why do you hover?

the scream that almost was

Today was proof positive that there are times in life when you want to scream to high heaven in a frustrated-yet-positive way and when for some reason beyond your control you are unable to do so you find yourself wishing that you had just told that reason to irrationalise itself and screamed.

whoo saahhhhh...