anxious

anxious
i'm anxious
so anxious
and i don't
know why
is it work?
is it uncertainty?
is it insecurity?
is it being awake?
can i stop?
no.
can i run?
no.
can i breathe?
no.
wait...
...
barely.
where am i?
where are you?
what am i?
what is this?
hide me
hide me
hear my scream
inside
my prayer
inside
my storm
inside
where it hides
from even me
hide me
hold me
tight
in your hand
where i'm safe
from it
all
please.

useless ramble

It's hot today. When it's hot, I can't think of what to write... well actually, that's more of a general condition. Sometimes I wish subject matter would present itself more clearly.

The thought crossed my mind last night at about 2am (hardly the time for adequate pondering of anything) that I'm not entirely sure how being "more than conquerors" plays out in the Christian's life, and so I think I should do some looking into that sometime soon.

Oh, and then there's the French essay due in a week... bleurgh... :oP I suppose I'm not really on holidays yet.

somewhere deep

I know this...

Somewhere deep
lies the blackest dark of doubt,
and how it seems no cure is yet known
for all that blackened cries,
for all that smothered dies,
for hope that forgot lies!

And somewhere deep
lies the foulest stench of death,
a reeking cloud of all that we have done
to neighbours far and near,
to forge each other's tears,
to raise a race in fear.

And yet...

Somewhere deep
lies the sparkling jewel of patience,
a treasure rich of mysterious supply
that binds the wounds complete,
that imparts stillness sweet,
that readies unshod feet.

Somewhere deep
lies the richest gold of love,
the purest indescribable... thing
of which our songs do sing,
to which our hands do cling,
on which our hearts take wing.

Somewhere deep
lies the loveliest source of grace,
upon a blood-streaked, battered face is borne
forgiveness bought in pain,
mercy's soft sweet rain,
redemption in His name.

Somewhere deep
lies the grave where once He lay,
He lives! and now to ever sing His praise
who life eternal lives,
who life eternal gives,
who was, will be, and is!

old school thoughts

I'm one of only a few who still use this archaic method of communing with the world, I know, but that's because I like the fluidity of words strung together in sentences rather than flung at you in a roughly tabular format along with hundreds of pictures. It's just nice to work on some phrases and then send them out in the world to fend for themselves.

It's pretty crazy times right now, with assessments coming down around our ears at uni, and relationship making and breaking here, there and everywhere you look. This is, beyond doubt, a very stressful time of year for all! I've done one of five assessments for this fortnight, so I'm relatively relieved right now, insofar as uni work is concerned.

I have had more epiphanic moments than ever lately. I am realising things about myself and about life that seem to be quite profound; things that concern how life works or how I work sometimes just come into my thoughts and stun me. They often slip out, but I'm trying to write them down now so I don't forget them. This is rare for me, because thinking about life and its operations has almost always taken second place to whatever's going on at the moment. I must say, I'm glad that my thought life is changing in this way.

At the moment, it's my intention to stay single for a while - until God is my first love through thick and thin, and until I have an attitude towards relationships that would enable me to be a decent husband. I've just found that my attitude is unhealthy, and I really don't want to burden any daughter of Christ with that. Nor do I want to be weak again. A man becomes a shadow of himself when is unable to be respected, and I know that deep down are many attitudes of my heart that lead to unrespectable actions. And so I will wait, work and pray like heck. To be honest, it's not easy. Changing attitudes that have been in me since I was a small boy is hard. Or maybe recognising those attitudes and learning when and where to apply them is the answer. One thing I know - I need to see a wife as someone to serve, not someone to be served by. Someone to love, not be loved by. That will probably fix me up a lot. I'm also opening up to viewing the communities I'm in as places where I can find fulfilment, joy and friends as well, which is challenging for me.

I'm getting a lot of musical aspirations lately, possibly because of my boredom with uni. I crave music (though not always the effort it takes to make it), and I have dreams of making beautiful music... actually, I think about it a lot. It's quite a pervasive thought. It was about this time last year I wrote a piece called The Gentle Green for a course at uni, which I'm still quite pleased with, considering it was my first escapade into minimalism, which I really enjoyed. I want to explore again. I also want to write songs, and to learn to play piano for church.

To God be the glory forever.

awake

I think I need to start doing more productive things with my time when I stay up absurdly late in front of my computer. I think that writing might satisfy, or some other kind of art. Suggestions?

mike whitney

The awesome unusualness of my weekend began on Friday night, when we just happened to walk into the Newtown pub where Mike Whitney (of Australian test cricket/Who Dares Wins/Gladiators fame) was lead singer in a cover band playing all kinds of old hits. Totally unexpected :o) and he's actually not all that bad!

6 episodes of Star Wars in chronological order in one 15-hour period. Nuff said.

music

without thought
without movement
without sound
there may be peace
but there can be
no music.

let the music live
let it breathe
let it move
don't quench it just to
kill the thought
kill the movement
kill the sound

sound can be controlled
movement can be tamed
thought can be channelled
rhyme can return
and the poetry of life can flow rich through your veins again.
there need not always be this chaos
there need not always be this fear
there need not always be this pain.

clarity

I'm getting more and more convinced everyday of the benefits of clarity in life. Whether it's clarity between people or clarity within your own thoughts, it just seems that life is much easier to deal with when clarity exists.

Clarity can't exist without communication. Most often when there's a lack of clarity between people there's also a lack of communication. It's really hard sometimes to bring up certain topics, and sometimes it's even inappropriate or unwise to talk about something. I think it's then that clarity is important within your own thoughts. If you know with clarity what you think about something or how you feel about something, then it seems you can deal much easier with a lack of clarity about that thing between you and someone else.

You might find it ironic that I'm being deliberately vague while talking about clarity, but my purpose is just to talk about the concept. There are many areas of my life right now in which I need to find clarity, and so I'm going to be taking a few steps backwards I think. A change of perspective can often help you see, and I need to see clearly.

Emotion Sickness by Silverchair is a great song...

It's really interesting thinking about how my depression affects my life. For instance, I know that the medication I'm taking attenuates my feelings (or at least it's supposed to), both good and bad. Right now I'm wondering just how much my good feelings about things are affected by it. Am I feeling badly about things I should be feeling good about? That's almost certain - it's a symptom of depression for that to happen. But am I feeling less happy about things I should be happy about, and therefore making unwise decisions regarding them? This is what I'm wondering a lot right now. I know that I can barely trust my thoughts and perceptions, but when it comes to making decisions, what else have I to use but them? I feel like I'm starting off on the wrong foot.

The Special Two by Missy Higgins makes no sense, but it's nice...

Wake up, wake up,
Wake up and rise.
(Time to live,
Time to work,
Time to act,
Time to serve.)
Wake up, rise up,
Get up and work.
(Now to live,
Now to work,
Now to act,
Now to serve.)
Wake up, rise up,
Look up and pray,
Now it is morning,
Now it is day.

I don't want my life to be mediocre.

calm panic breezy tense chilled manic and so on

I'm feeling so weird right now...

one moment i'm chilled, and this lasts for a while, and feels good

the next i'm tense, anxious and worried, and this lasts for a while, and feels... well... tense

and then i return.

one moment i'm happy, nay joyous, for my friends who have recently hooked up

the next i'm aching

and then i return.

and frankly i can't make head or tail of it

missing link

A monumentous conclusion was reached today in unlikely circumstances. During a conversation in the Terrace Cafe, Wentworth Building, University of Sydney, it was realised that the missing evolutionary link is, in fact, Schrödinger's cat. Schrödinger's cat is in a box with a dangerous radioactive source, but nobody can look inside the box, hence nobody knows whether the cat is alive or dead. More to the point, there is a finite probably that it is alive, and a finite probability that it is dead. But who can say that the animal within the box is actually a cat at all? Nobody can say "it's a cat" with complete certainty since they themselves can't look inside the box. Hence there's a finite probability that it's a cat, a finite probability that it's a dog, and a finite probability that it's the missing evolutionary link that scientists worldwide are searching for desperately. Who would have thought that the reason they can't find it was that poor old Schrödinger just nonchalantly put it in a box nobody can look into...

romantic

There are moments in my life when a fact I have known since I was a boy is confirmed to me again: I am little more than a hopeless romantic at heart.

Lisa Mitchell's song "Incomplete Lullaby" is pretty much exactly what I think of as beautiful music. Simple piano, simple voice, weird lyrics with thoughtful imagery... it's got it all, and it gets me every time.

The boys laughed at me for liking her so much in Australian Idol last year... but whatever. I'm finally old enough to make up my own mind about the music I like. It only took 23 years...

lack... or not...

So I don't have a computer right now. Im trying not to class the way i
feel about this as 'withdrawal symptoms' but its hard since im reduced
to blogging by email from my phone. Sad, huh?

Anyhow, the worst thing about this is that i can't write in the way i
really feel like writing now. I feel like writing something cryptic
about confusion in the vain hope that it'd be read and understood by
just the right people, but i can't do that very well. I feel so much
and i know so little... such a foolish and familiar place. Could
somebody please point me towards the door? A loving push in the right
direction would also be appreciated. In fact, while ur at it, just
take care of my whole life and keep the change.

If I'm going to kill off the sin in my life - which i must, or it will
kill me instead - maybe i should be starting with laziness.

More thoughts later perhaps, when it's not my bedtime and i don't have
to give my thumbs RSI in the pursuit of self-expression.

individuality

In response to a post here, by the lead singer of Anberlin...

...and by "in response to", I probably just mean "to explore the themes of", 'coz I don't think I say anything much new...

In the West, our individuality is important to us, but that false and destructive amalgamation of two into one is so dangerously easy for us... I think maybe its because we're made to live in unity and in community. I mean, the false amalgamation that Stephen Christian talks about is one person with another, but one person with a community is a totally different thing, and yet inextricably related. There is something about life in community that delinearises relationships (in which I include friendships, of course) enough for them to be more healthy, more constructive and more inclusive than they would be otherwise. Likewise, there is something about relationships between two people, and them with others, and so on, that enrichens the life of the whole community.

I remember once hearing a bishop (or archdeacon, I can't quite remember) from the Congo talk at an Easter convention in Katoomba while he was visiting Australia, and he rebuked us (all 3000 of us who were present) for having such an individualistic culture, particularly in regard to our Christian lives. Our communities have broken down, and it seems that we've fallen back upon our individualism, which has furthered the downfall of our communities, and so on. While it's important to remember ourselves, it is absolutely essential to remember each other as well. None of us stand alone, despite all impressions to the contrary - as a sufferer of depression, I know how alone one can feel, but as one who has received treatment, I know how illusory is this sensation. Furthermore, for those of us who are in Christ, God has given to us as a gift the Christian community that we are a part of. Bonhoeffer wrote that we shouldn't complain of what we've been given, but as thankful recipients we should thank God daily for what He has provided us with. Being thankful implies remembrance, and Biblical remembrance always implies action.

Action requires a driving power, and God has given that to us. As Paul said to Timothy in his first letter to him (I think it's his first letter anyway), God didn't give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of love, of power and of self-discipline. Hehee... I'm really thankful for that memory verse I learnt at school! Love moves the heart to want to act, power enables the action, and self-discipline is to make sure you keep using both of these. Among other things of course. At 11:30pm, it's always hard to remember the point I was trying to get accross, but I believe it to be that all of these qualities are given to individuals, and all are for the benefit of other individuals and the community. If you lose sight of yourself, you won't be able to see the loving, empowering and self-disciplining spirit that is at work in you through Christ (and never forget that is is only through Christ), and if you lose sight of those around you and the community that you're in, you won't be able to see how to best use these things. Both awareness of self in Christ and awareness of others must be a present reality in our lives. I guess it even follows from what Jesus said were the greatest commandments: "Love the LORD your God with all your heart, soul, mind, strength" implies both an awareness of what your "all" is, and that you know that but for God's grace you are nothing, since your "all" is for Him and not you; "Love your neighbour as yourself" implies that you know who your "neighbour" is and that you know how to love them, and hence that you know their needs.

I hope that's at least a little bit clear, because I really think it's important, having experienced this gone wrong on both extremes (even at the same time! go figure). I guess that I would sum up by saying that the healthiest relationships, and I would also say the healthiest communities, are relationships and communities made up of individuals who know who they are but who also know that they don't, and can't, stand alone.

mediocrity

If you're reading this post, it means at least the following:

1. You're blessed with the resources to write letters and emails
2. You can, or you will be able to vote
3. You have time on your hands

Do not settle for mediocrity! Neither in our governments, nor in our society, nor in ourselves. We are in the middle of a world that is bleeding, bruised and angry. If you know Christ's love, share it, live it, let it move your hands and feet and mouth. Open your eyes and open your heart - we have all had both closed too long now.

"He has shown all you people what is good.
And what does the LORD require of you?
To act justly and to love mercy
And to walk humbly with your God."
- Micah 6:8 (TNIV)

hehehee...

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