cardboard tears

What do you do
when the road you walk
is the way you know
and of which you talk
incessantly as
such a wearisome path,
devoid of peace
in the aftermath
of fantasy and
of ideation,
while iron cuffs
of your own creation -
that have a key
somewhere around,
if only it
was to be found -
embrace your wrists
with cold hard grip
and lead you on
where you will slip
and fall...

So yeah, I'm feeling a bit down now, and I'm tired which is why I'm writing about it in a place where the world can find out. I'm unhappy without good reason. If only life was simpler, free of confusion, angst and everything else that is stopping me from being where I should be right now. Some say that pain gives life its richness. Well, too much richness and you feel sick. And when you feel sick, your mind just doesn't work properly.

The old ways just keep coming back...

The old ways must die.

maths is fun, cardboard is funner

Oh maths, how I love thee with the fire of a thousand smouldering cigarette butts...

I'm learning so much as I study... things I should have learned in first year but never did. It's amazing how much of the stuff they teach you, they actually expect you to know.

Better get back to it...

Feel free to distract me in any way possible. Actually, that's a lie - I'm enjoying it. But I'll still welcome a momentary distraction.

cardboard up late

Why am I up this late... again?

I'm a little tired of it.

cardboardus nullius

I really don't have much to say - I'm just posting because procrastination is my most proficient skill. I'm almost finished my composition portfolio, and I think I'll hand that in today, then probably waste the rest of the day and start studying for Maths tomorrow. Mmm it's so hard to work now that there's no more class... anyone else get that feeling?

In other news... nope, there's no other news that I can think of. I mean, there's probably lots going on, I just can't think of it.

sifting gently through the hand
time leaves no trace
when no trace you leave in time

cardbored

Hello, world.

The above sentence was apparently the output string of the first computer programs that programming students were taught how to write, or something like that.

That has no relevance to anything.

I'm thoroughly bored.

I'm sitting in a computer lab, just filling in time before my maths lecture, and then I'm going to skip Equip and go home to get some work done. Getting work done in the hours between 4 and 8 is very hard for me, but it needs to be done - I've got a heck of a lot to do. I might actually need to plan it.

[plans afternoon and evening]

Gosh, when you put everything in half-hour blocks, it really makes you wonder how you waste so much time normally.

I'm so tired that even though each of my subjects is great, I don't feel like doing any of them. That's no reason not to though. Dammit.

cardboard likes a biff

A friend of mine (no really, I have a wonderful girlfriend, so I'm really not talking about myself here) is having a relationship dilemma. I felt like blogging something controversial, so I'm going to talk to the big wide world about it.

My friend says, and I quote:

Girls rarely make any moves. The ones who do end up happy; the ones that don't end up whining.

Now, since my girl made the first move, and she's happy, I tend to agree with him.

Also, my friend's a quality guy, who's very godly and strives for holiness - and I'd like to reference an earlier post on "Internet Footprints" (see link to Emma & Katie's blog) which says that godliness is attractive.* He's bolder than me in making moves, and he's done so... but why, when he's put himself out there on the Western Front, is he not seeing any action?

Here's my theory - none of the girls he's interested in have the courage to say anything about it, even if he's said something to them. Now sure, conversations like that can be awkward, particularly if they're not interested, but he's got a number of people who he suspects are interested in him and they just don't say anything. Even when he says something, they don't.

To quote Peter Griffin of Family Guy, "This grinds my gears."

Shape up girls, or I'm going to have to put on my Mr Bite-me face again and steal all of your chocolate. All you little Miss Angsts, you have no excuse.


*It's since been made aware to me that this post and the following comments were deliberate acts of spading in a very specific situation, but I believe that the principle still holds universally.

cardboard solves problems

I just finished my maths assignment before 8:30! That represents less than 3hrs work on the assignment as a whole, 2hrs yesterday afternoon and less than an hour this morning. I like that! It's so much better than any physics assignment could ever be, unless it was a first year Mechanics assignment. I like maths.

I woke up very early, c. 6:00, and dozed for about half an hour before succumbing to the inevitable forces of awakedness, but managed to cram another hour of solid warmth in before finally braving the... warmth... of the morning. It looks like it's going to be a stunning day, and I'm looking forward to doing a fat lot of nothing much in it. I think I need a hit of Vitamin D. The uni life doesn't cater for such necessities if you're a Science student or EUer or both.

I wish I could say that I'm sorry to see the EU Science mission over, but I'm not. Hopefully we reached some people for Christ, even though the tide of apathy that is encroaching the heart of our culture is so hard to swim against. But for me, I'm just glad for some time off right now, time where I don't have to act like someone I'm not, time where I can take the back seat without throwing someone else in the deep end up front, time where I can battle my emotions instead of repressing them to battle something else.

Another thing I like is a limerick...

There once was a man they call Farge,
Whose head in circumf'rence was large,
In truth he was snappy,
Though outwardly happy,
When folk thought his head was a barge.

End poetry lesson for today.

wet cardboard

Wet cardboard gets saggy and isn't much good for anything...

Normally the rain makes me feel good. Today it just isn't helping. It's actually contributing to me feeling quite miserable. The real source of my misery is that my heart is 475.4 km away from where it would normally be, skiing down a hill (I can't really call them mountains...) and having a wonderful time (which is great, don't get me wrong!), and I just miss her heaps :o(

The rain just isn't helping.

cardboarditis

cardboarditis: (n.) general name for any chronic illness involving cardboard.

random!

The EU Science Social was good and contained at least three of the things I'm quite fond of - food, soccer and great people. Yay for socials!

cardboard lives on

Long time no blog, hey!

Just wanted to share something with the world...

I've had quite a revelation over the last few days. I actually have a fear of the mundane, everyday things that make up most of life. It's played out in discontentedness, in acquaintances who could be friends, in the constant search for entertainment, in constantly wanting to be on the road, and in not feeling settled when things go well. It negatively affects the way I feel about most of life, and it's totally unjustified.

There is nothing wrong with the mundane. The fact that life is full of the mundane is no mistake - they are the building blocks of sociality and community. Being discontent with them only causes a relentless search for excitement that is rarely sated - sure it's fun when excitement comes, but what about when the buzz wears off? When will the next buzz come? Can I have it now? I'm not feeling it... I need it... nothing is good without it... What kind of life is that? One that will never be satisfied. Being content with the mundane allows you to be content without excitement, and lets you just be excited when something exciting comes along. It allows you to be content with where you're at, and I guess that allows you to put your energy into things outside of yourself, rather than into feeding your addiction to entertainment. It allows you to find life rewarding rather than tiresome, peaceful rather than dreary, pleasant rather than unsettling.

I was a little disturbed to discover this fear, but I'm glad I have, because it's letting me counter it. After all, if a (relatively ordinary) human life is good enough for Jesus to take on, it's sure good enough for me. I'm already discovering in small but rewarding ways how much easier life is if you're not concerned about the buzz.

life at 5

Life at 5am shouldn't really be any different from life at 9am, or at 1pm, or any other time. There is no time of the day when Christ's Lordship switches on or off. Nor is there an analogous time of life when Christ's Lordship switches on in life, since Christ is Lord of all for all time. I think that's why we use the words "accept Jesus" or "acknowledge Jesus" when we talk about conversion. It should be natural that belief in Jesus' death and resurrection and his authority over all things would lead you to the conclusion that "you" are included in "all things" and that your life void of the acknowledgement of His lorship and of the appropriate marks of this reality is really not getting you anywhere good. Jesus' lordship brings life, so where does that lead you if you're not living under Jesus' lordship?

I've been really challenged lately to know what it is to live under Christ's lordship as His disciple... there's much thought to be done about it, which is half of the point of the matter. It's a lifelong thing to think about and pray about and search out where Jesus is calling you to go and/or what He is calling you to do. But it's only half of the matter, because knowing where to go is utterly useless unless you go there, and therein lies the challenge.

So what am I doing up at 5am? Well I got thirsty, and thought I could use the time. It's now almost 7, and I've been flipping through e-Sword (the Sword of the LORD with an electronic edge - www.e-sword.org) and looking at all the references in the New Testament to Jesus being called Lord. One verse stood out to me: "Why do you call me 'Lord, Lord', and not do what I tell you?" (Luke 6:46, ESV). Obedience matters to this Lord of ours. The Bible is full of the fact that salvation is from God alone and that obedience must follow, and following in obedience is the essence of discipleship.

Much to ponder, and much to change.

cardboard + halo

It's hard to beat playing 12-player halo in one's loungeroom until the wee hours - except of course by going to sleep and sleeping in enough to make you able to rationalise it the next morning. That's not going to happen. *psyches himself up for a halo hangover*

I knew the "all-nighter" was never going to happen.

ignorant cardboard

Who of you has watched John Saffran vs. God? I watched some yesterday, and found it quite funny. Then I watched the episode where he visits the exorcist. After watching, it took me about 10 minutes before I moved out of my seat, which affirms what I believe about ignorance being the greatest work of Satan over Western society. Nobody acts like that.

It makes me recall something from a C.S. Lewis essay that was read to us at Connect one night this year. Part of the vibe was that there is no such thing as a mortal human being - after God's final judgement we will eternally be either a creature of unimaginable glory or of unimaginable horror, according to whether we are saved or not. We aren't this yet, but we have been given a deposit to guarantee it. We who are saved have the Holy Spirit of the living Jesus in us, whose glory our eyes can't see except in changed lives and hearts, which rightly point us to God as the source of these. But the glory of the Holy Spirit dwelling in us would be all too evident to the demons in the world (and why should there be fewer of those in the world now than there were when Jesus walked the earth?), and that would fill them with terror. Something interesting to ponder... Satan is scared of us. Why else would he attack us with a curse of ignorance? If we were aware of all He did, then surely we would be far more effective tools against Him in Christ's hand than we are now.

P.S. If my rants ever turn heretical, please tell me.

comfort

"As for God, his way is perfect;
the word of the LORD is flawless.
He is a shield
for all who take refuge in him."
- Psalm 18:30, NIV


Who can deny it, when He brings good out of all situations?

memory