in the cold air of june

In the cold air of June we walked to the door,
Where inside lay Dad; where he'd walk out no more.
God took him home and gave him the rest
His kidneys had begged for, thirty years at best.
Nothing prepares you for death, not when you
Are fourteen and haven't yet found out the truth
Of the words in that funny old parking lot song:
“You don't know what you've got 'til it's gone”.

In the cold air of June God showed us His care:
His children were loving us, just being there;
The funeral saw them a few hundred strong
Singing praises to God as we sent that saint on.
I've forgotten the hymn that we sang at the last,
But each one that's like it, as I sing I ask,
“Is this that old hymn whose sage words released
The flood of hot tears for that precious life ceased?”

In the cold air of June I make my way home,
Ten years of life older, and bearing a tome
Of experience; as yet an incomplete script,
But a book of God's writing 'bout a soldier equipped
With the shield of his mother: “God works all for good”;
With a quiver of comrades, among whom he's stood,
And marvelled at, cried at, sang and proclaimed
The glory of God and the power of His Name.

In the cold air of June I cannot deny
That this time of year is the time when I cry,
But nor can I ever be silent upon
The great pow'r of God in the life of His sons.
I make my way home from a party for life,
Thanking God for my own, the blessing and strife,
For His mighty hand leads me; His mighty heart loves;
I have life, I have hope, and my Father above.

-- Iain Hart

suggestion

Have you ever wandered around aimlessly in the Fisher Stack while listening to Radiohead?

I highly recommend it.

buzz

It's not often these days that I'll use my blog just to brag about feeling good... but man, walking home in the rain today made be buzz even more than I was. I felt alive, and man it felt good.

I think a couple of reasons for feeling so good were that I was also listening to Street Spirit (Fade Out) by Radiohead, from The Bends (which I have decided is an incredible album), while walking home; also, I had the thought of a melancholic demeanour being "a fearful gift" going through my head courtesy of a quote in the book I'm reading, "Lincoln's Melancholy". The rain, the song, the quote all made me realise something - the sickening, smothering blackness that has been my involuntary reaction to life's curveballs can be a blessing rich, perilous, beautiful and powerful. Praise God, that was freeing.

I'm going to go and cook pasta with sauce and cheese and enjoy the heck out of it.

wait for me

Somewhere over future's sea
I imagine that you wait for me,
Sifting through your thoughts on men,
Waiting for just one of them
Who rocks a little more than others,
Smells like safety, likes your mother,
Looks a little like Brad Pitt
(but isn't quite as full of it),
To come along and win your heart,
And make your dearest dreams to start.
Oh wondrous love, the sweetest bliss,
The prettiest rose, the tend'rest kiss,
The foulest sadness when he leaves
And says it wasn't meant to be.
Bastard. But hey, now he's gone,
You're left feeling all alone,
And I'm a sort of decent guy,
Who'd love to take his turn to try
To tell you that you're pretty sweet,
And that I think you're kinda neat.
I reckon you might think it's cool
To try to like a crazy fool,
So we could date (and keep things wholesome)
And see if us two could be awesome.
That's what I imagine, sweet,
About the way that we would meet,
It prob'ly won't be quite like that,
But come whatever, you'll be rad.

--I

light

Light, you have been hidden for too long,
Kept alight but burning bright to none,
Pris'ner of my fear and wanton pride,
Scolding as my heart you scald inside.
Be free. I will have you no more hid.
Bear your witness to what Jesus did;
Through my hands, my words, my feet, my scars,
Tell the world of God's bright Morning Star.

-- Iain Hart

old times

I dug this up today. Wrote it back in 2006 while walking home from uni.

When weary feet despair to tread,
And each bright day has darkness fed,
When tired eyes would see no more,
And burdened hands can catch no fall,
Know then that God hath sent the rain
To wash away the pain.
-- Iain

be excited... or not

I loved coming back to uni and the EU at the start of this year. It felt like home. Somehow though, something had given me more clarity into a niggling annoyance I've had with the EU, and now I actually know what it is.

I really HATE being told to "be excited".

In all seriousness, what comes to my mind when I'm told to be excited is not "okay then". It's not even "No". It's something more akin to "F*** off". I REALLY don't like it. I'm not sure exactly why, but hopefully I can work some of it out here.

First reason: it's false.
If I'm not already excited about something, and if you don't convince me of something's worth by explaining its virtues, then for me to comply with your exhortation I have to lie.

Second reason: it's unnatural.
Individuals all react differently to, and feel differently about, the same things. Inasmuch as we're a community of believers and inextricably bound to each other with Christ's blood, each believer is an individual. It's not necessarily an unhealthy thing - we all are born and die alone, in the sense that we're (usually) the only one experiencing that moment. Likewise, the myriad of other moments we experience in life we experience in our own ways, with the mind, body and emotions God made us with. For some people, excitement is not really what they do, even though for others it's their perpetuity.

Third reason: it looks weird.
If anyone who isn't part of the Christian community, or even part of a different Christian community, notices any kind of unnatural feel to our excitement, there goes whatever reputation we had for authenticity. Also, it looks plastic fantastic, as though we have our heads in the clouds and can't see the crap in the world. Nobody likes plastic fantastic Christians, not even other Christians.

Fourth reason: it's assumptive.
To tell someone what to be excited about, you first have to assume two things: a) that they are unable to become excited about good things on their own, and b) the thing you're promoting is good. The first thing is rarely true - God made us pretty awesome, and in general we react to things appropriately. The second, unfortunately, is by no means a safe assumption to make, no matter how much work has gone into it. If something relies on excitement to be successful, it's either not really all that inherently effective, or it'll work a whole heap better with naturally-grown and authentic excitement. Not everything needs people to be excited about it for it to work. If that were the case, the Anglican church would be a bible study in some small house in Canterbury, and the divorce rate would be one for one.

Fifth reason: it's not what Jesus did.
I'm generally not a fan of common Christian practices or mindsets that Jesus didn't start. They tend to be a little baseless. Jesus didn't tell his disciples to be excited about his ministry, but everybody was (one way or the other :oP). We're supposedly carrying on His ministry. Why do we feel as though we need to tell people to be excited? Do we fear a lack of substance? Maybe we're looking for substance in the wrong place.

Sixth reason: see my post entitled "what should I write...?" and apply it to the simple paraphrase "you should be excited about this thing".

I don't actually think that the EU is the only organisation doing this - I'm pretty sure it's a fairly universal thing for Christians around Sydney. I love the EU, and my church, and my brothers and sisters in other churches, but I think this is ugly, and that there's gotta be a better, less irritating way to be effective Christians... whatever that means. Grace and the power of the Spirit, anyone?

apologies

Sorry, ladies.

I'm afraid I can't live up to a vampire.

My skin doesn't glitter in the sunlight.
I may be well-spoken sometimes, but it's too rare to be cute.
I can't carry you on my back into the treetops to converse.
And, truth be told, I've only been waiting 24 years for you.

Poor effort, I know. You'd probably best look elsewhere.

what should i write...?

What should I write? Should I even write anything right now? Shouldn't I go to bed? This shouldn't really be a question for me, given how late it is. I should really be asleep by now... but then, I should write this while I'm still thinking of it. So where should I start...?

Count how many times I used the word "should" or "shouldn't" in that last paragraph, and then compare it with how many of these uses felt unnatural. How natural did that last paragraph feel as you read it? I think it sounds like something I could actually write... and yet, I've used the word "should" at least once in every sentence.

Who cares? Well, I do. When undergoing cognitive behavioral therapy for depression, I was taught about numerous distortions that come up in thought patterns which are unhelpful for your mood (and thus, in various ways, for your wellbeing). One of these was the use of the word "should". You see, this little word and those related to it (shouldn't, ought, could...but, etc.) appear innocuous enough, but they express a dangerous belief in an oversimplified term. You have judged yourself (or someone else) and found yourself (or them) wanting, according to some ideal you have in mind - an ideal that can only be reached with some change of self or circumstance - and so you believe yourself (or them) the worse for it, at least until something changes. This is all very well for things like, "I should buy this CD," but it becomes a self-compounding mess when your thought is, "I should tidy my awfully messy room," or "I should love you," or "I should be happy." You can end up so low at the thought of just how far short you fall of your ideal, that to begin to contemplate change brings nothing but agony and guilt.

Learning about how much this kind of thought can trap you in a downward cycle, I was amazed when I started to see everyone around me using this word so much. These thoughts are commonplace; this word is commonplace, and the thoughts that go behind it are the same for all. These thoughts affect some more than others, but they do affect us all negatively. Don't you feel trapped when you say you should do something? Doesn't that thing bind you, hold you, make everything else seem further off? Doesn't the way you should be make you feel a little disappointed about the way you are now? Doesn't chasing down the person you should be wear you out? I bet I'm not alone in this.

If this is a universal habit, and is negatively affecting us all, why not let it go? Fixing this pattern of thought is part of a mental health treatment plan. The official statistics about mental illness say that 1 in 5 people in Australia have a mental illness of some kind, but mental illnesses are often aggravated by societal habits such as this and I'd be willing to bet there are many non-reported cases. I think collectively changing this thought pattern would help us all.

Furthermore, there's one place in particular where I think this thought pattern has no place: the church. While it's true that we Christians know that we're not perfect, and that we are to be holy as God is holy, this is God's judgment and not our own - and He really knows the extent to which we're unholy, even when we fool ourselves. Yet, knowing this, He doesn't say to you, "You should be holy," but instead, "Be holy." It's a command, and it spurs you forward. It doesn't dwell on the negativity of where you are now, but instead simply sets a goal before you and says, "Get there." He does likewise in calling us to love Him, to repent, to run the race set before us, to love one another as Christ loved us, and so on. Even He, who alone is worthy to pass judgment on anyone, doesn't even use this turn of phrase. Why do we use it amongst ourselves, His people?

We are those whose love for each other is one of God's principal signs to the entire world. With a frame of mind like this, though, we might as well be stabbing ourselves in the foot before we leave our bedrooms of a morning. That kind of self-mutilation would be a more obvious but no less inhibitive way to create a holy army of the walking wounded. One of the hardest things to do as a depressed person is to think outside of yourself. Usually this manifests itself in hopelessness, in believing the future's necessarily bleak, but it also plays out in being unattuned to the needs of those around you (remember, as you read this, that it's an illness and not a deliberate state of character). Being unaware of the needs of those around you makes it really hard to love them. In this way, depression and related illnesses can hurt the church as well as the people sick with it, so it would seem to make sense to heal it... or do we want to make life hard for ourselves? There's no righteousness to be gained from beating ourselves up or trapping ourselves in little mental cages, even if we don't have depression. Christian righteousness doesn't work that way - it's a gift, and it's a process God's in control of.

Let go the delusion that you can help yourself by mentally backing yourself into a corner, or that your brothers and sisters can be spurred on by even the most eloquently worded of judgments on their current state. Put your thoughts and words to more effective use by praying for healing for the minds of the church, and by praying for patience when you're frustrated at not being perfect yet (or at someone else not being perfect yet). Look at yourself with sober judgment - neither haughty nor falsely humble. Open your eyes to the reality of our situation: depraved, but saved, and slowly but surely sanctified by God, our Father, who loves us each dearly. Ditch the self-spun guilt. It's an unseemly garland about your neck, Christian.

waking hours

Hallelujah! What a Saviour!

God is awesome. No matter how hard I try, I still can't get my head around the fact that the most powerful and glorious act in the history of the universe was also the most humble and weak. This simply amazes me. What a man. What a God. What love and faithfulness! And what a call it is to be like Him. How could I ever be? How could I ever be a Christ-like man? How could I ever be a husband who gives himself up for his wife like Christ did for the church? How could I ever be so lovingly humble? What a call.

In other news, I'm awake and it's past midnight. Well, I'm awake and haven't slept yet. I've called in "sick" for tomorrow, so if something happens to you on a bus tomorrow morning it won't be because I slept while I was too tired. I lay awake for a while wondering if I really wanted to lose the day's pay, but the lives of up to 70 people at a time are worth far more than that money. I guess having to make a decision like that means I must be some kind of adult now hey.

disappointment

Nothing makes me want to scream in frustration like the thought of what might have been.

...well, more accurately, the thought of how things are now compared to how I once thought they could be.

The most surprising of these to me... it happened exactly how I thought it would. I didn't want it to happen, but I knew that it would, and after four and a half years I still don't know how to feel about it.

I suppose, all told, this is just what it's like to be disappointed in life... and that's going to happen more, about as surely as the sun's going to come up. If it doesn't, it means Jesus is back. I know that how I deal with it will determine a great deal of how I turn out as a person, and that I'm in God's hands and being moulded in that regard. Even so, my instinctive reaction is still to scream, and it stops me from sleeping.

wedding

So I was playing Fallout 3 and I got two people to get married. I gave the daughter of the galley cook in Rivet City some ant pheromones so she could seduce the acolyte at the local church who she was keen on. Weird, and wrong, i know, but hey. They got married with everyone there, and it was kinda nice. However, my absolute favourite part of the whole thing is how, at the ceremony, she was carrying a big freaking knife in her right hand.

I love weddings.

On a completely unrelated note, Rage is weird. I genuinely mean that. I just found myself staring at it open-mouthed in disbelief of the weirdness.

not 25 things

I feel slightly compelled to ask why everyone is taking up the 25 random things in a note challenge. It's not that I'm confused as to why people would do such a thing - on the contrary, I've blogged for years with the motivation that at least someone in the world would know what's in my head. That part I understand, though I do wonder at its legitimacy. What I wonder about now is the timing and the magnitude. Why now? Why so many? Is there a more profound reason than that it's fun?

back

I'm back at uni right now, just for a bit. No classes of course, just the sandstone and the rain.

I love this place, but I can only assume that in feeling this way I'm suffering from some kind of Stockholm Syndrome. It hasn't been an easy five years, but I can't say I'd rather have spent them anywhere else. My captor has soothed me with old paper and stone, offered me thoughts to sate my curiosities, and tied me up with 5 years of debt that would be useless if I left now.

Sometimes I wish I was potential Ph.D. material. Sometimes... when everything else in life seems even more torturous and less well-defined.

denied

"We're not letting you in. For now." --Facebook

Odd. And possibly not the greatest website error message from a PR viewpoint.