self-reflection

"Iain thinks in facebook statuses."

This thought came to me today, after two "Iain is..." statements flashed through my head in a bizarre form of dialogue. I realised then that facebook is actually quite effective at making one think about how they are at any point in time, if that one frequently changes their status. I think this effect is heightened when that one tries to use creativity in their status formulation, since they look around them and into their deeper-than-surface thoughts for material. I'm fascinated by this... it seems relatively innocuous, but over time it has changed how I think. For better or worse, creating a single line of text in the third person at various times in the day has changed how I perceive the world. I don't know whether to be amused or scared... probably both!

In other news, my room echoes when I sniff.

I really enjoyed my time out of the city... I was so relaxed. I was relatively calm [no tired fingers, not clam, calm], happy, and pensive. I even bought myself a little holiday project - an instrument cluster for my car that has a tachometer! Woo! (it's really the automotive equivalent of an oscilloscope on a stereo - it tells you stuff you like to know but don't need to know - meh). I'm going to fit it sometime later this week, once I've figured out how to make the odometer reading match the one in my car so it's all legal and stuff. But yes, calm. I was able to think; this has escaped me over the last few weeks. I don't mean process, I mean think - the kind of thinking one does when one is washing the dishes and just feels like letting their mind frolick for a while. My mind has done some frolicking these last two days, and it's been great.

Also, there is nothing like the bush. I love it. I love that I could sit atop a mountain that sits above a freeway, seeing that freeway dwarfed and insignificant when compared to the vast forested hills and valleys beyond it. Green to grey to black of night... all beautiful.

I was also struck, walking back down the mountain in the dark, with the thought that I am technically a predator. Only in definition, I decided - though we sit atop the food chain, the majority of us have never even had to grow or kill our own food. Food could look me in the face and I'd pat it's head, unless it tried to eat me and then I'd probably run away. Some predator I am.

EDIT: I'm going to Club Veg!!! :oD

slow learners

I found myself wondering today why, after over 200 years of European presence here, we're still using so many European methods. We seem to forget that this country gets very, very hot. We use so many dark colours, we use so much water and recover so little, we don't make use of natural air flow, we dress in suits and ties, and we don't seem to expect the fires that the bush needs. We're pretty much living in a desert, using methods developed in one of the soggiest corners of the earth. I just don't think we've adapted to it very well!

P.S. For some reason I really enjoyed the south-west Sydney heat today. It's dry heat, not sticky. Nice.

P.P.S. I totally smurfed my MR knowledge test today, praise God! Next step: Induction!

second guessing

Something else I aways do is to second-guess the diagnoses of medical professionals.

As an example. I once went to an after-hours GP and was diagnosed with an outer ear infection. I looked it up and disagreed, seeing that my symptoms more closely matched a middle ear infection. My regular GP agreed and I got fixed up good.

Right now, I'm seriously doubting my need for glasses at all. I'm sitting in front of my computer with a bandana (spelling?) tied around my head covering my left eye, giving my right eye a bit of a chance to work. Apart from all the garbage my half-closed left eye is giving my visual cortex right now (funky patters... kinda looks like swarming bacteria), I can actually see letters on my computer's screen clearly. Much better than a few days ago, and no glasses.

Think I'm gonna have a word with my optometrist. First, though, I have to finish this darned essay.

outcomes

I always hypothesise the outcomes of hypothetical conversations.

These conversations aren't very far removed from possibility. Most of them are, in fact, fairly plausible, though I think that over the course of my life (and I have noticed myself doing this for many years), there might have been one time when something I'd hypothesised actually happened. For the most part, they depend on one particular event, or one particular turn in conversation, which is often quite contrived and dependent upon the clear expression of what is going on in my deepest thoughts... a rare occurrence. So at best, these hypotheticals show either what I would like to happen, or what I expect to happen.

When I hypothesise the outcome, it's equally telling. It shows what I want, or what I expect, and generally how much I want or expect it. Often there isn't even a set outcome, but just a sense of it. Whatever the case, it sets forth my feelings before my psyche with false tangibility. This sense of tangibility of the outcome of a conversation actually affects me. It can make me unreasonably angry, or it can make me unjustifiably hopeful. Either way gets me into trouble.

Hypothesised outcomes are hell to deal with when you're working with a limited emotional overhead.

To what extent is the "I'm not here, this isn't happening" approach a rational one? I know it's exceptionally hard to justify, but it's also somewhat instinctive. While the nature of a thing doesn't justify it, I still feel compelled to ask this question as I try to distinguish between healthy emotion and destructive self-pity.

More questions playing heavily on my mind: When did I get so short a fuse? How long is this foul temper going to last? And what can I do about it? What on earth can I possibly do about it? Is there any way I can avoid the hypothetically-concocted outcome?

cello

I saw my cello for the first time in a very long time tonight. It normally sits in the corner of the room in its case, but I opened the case to show my housemate. It only made me want to play it again even more. I'll have to give it a play these holidays, and see if I learn to play it functionally or something.

There are a lot of things I want to do over these holidays - I'm expecting it to be quite an exhausting time. If you notice me spending all my available time watching TV or playing computer games, please reprimand me. I don't want my life to be dominated by these things.

I'd really like to make some music.

Oh, and I'm about to become a fully-fledged academic - I'm getting reading glasses.

And in completely unrelated news, I'm still getting used to the fact that most of the people I hang out with are younger than my little sister! It's basically an unexpected and yet not entirely unpleasant redefinition of the word "peer". Man, it's going to feel weird when I finally find my feet in the world.

nationalism

Australia: "We are one, but we are many..."

America: "Though we are many, we are one..."

distraction

One early criticism of French opera, and indeed opera in general, came from a man named Charles de Marguetel de Saint-Denis, who was Seigneur de Saint-Evremond back at about the turn of the 18th century. In a letter to the Duke of Buckingham he made quite clear his distaste of opera and its musicality. In light of the very rich history of French theatre, he said that the musicality of opera served only to occupy the senses, drawing attention away from the lack of occupation of the mind, since the poetry was so poorly contrived as to take away from the representation of the plot.

I just realised, while studying Latin American culture while listening to music, that I'm using music for exactly that purpose. I'm listening to music in the hope that at least a small part of me will be even slightly interested in something.

rediscovery

I've been listening to a lot of Coldplay lately. It's been inspired by the need to do a presentation for my Music and Politics course at uni, but it's resulted in me finding again just how much I like this band. I'm particularly getting wrapped up in the latest album, "Viva la Vida or Death and All His Friends". Weird name, I know, but the band just really seems to have taken up once again the challenge of pushing their own boundaries and not being satisfied with doing the same old stuff. It's a rich album that I've had to grow to like - it's largely different to any of the music from their first three albums, and the songs are pretty much quite different from each other. I would liken it to an art gallery with paintings by different artists in different styles, rather than a gallery of one artist's work. But anyway, I'm enjoying the experience, and of course it's not just the new stuff which I love. I still remember how awed I was when I first heard "Shiver". That is a great song.

Could anyone provide be with the reason so many people dislike Coldplay?

Music is my solace at the moment. The rest of life is hard. I think adulthood is staring me in the face and daring me to stare it back down, and I'm not sure I have the strength yet. I still feel as though I'm a boy playing grown-ups with my friends, and I laugh at myself inwardly for taking everything so seriously. The thing is, food matters. Having a roof overhead every night is no game. Being polite and loving actually affects how life plays out. Sitting around studying the Bible has eternal ramifications. Organising a uni Christian group affects people's lives both now and forever. Part of me feels the weight of these things, but part of me is rejecting this knowledge as though it was a splinter under the skin of my psyche, and so I am feeling more escapist than ever right now. Now, when I need most to have my eyes open and facing forwards.

Speaking of eyes, my right eye is getting weak. First time I've ever not been able to read the bottom line of an eyesight test was yesterday with just my right eye. That's a little disappointing, but I've known something's been up for a while. It explains why my left eye feels tired most nights - it's compensating for the right one. I think I'm going to see an optometrist when things settle down.

humble me

"You humble me, Lord" - the words of a song by Norah Jones. Surprising to me when I first heard them, both because I didn't expect her to sing those words and because I knew instantly that I could relate.

I am so tired. Life isn't easy at the moment, and I'm even finding myself being tired of being stressed about it. I never thought that was possible, but it makes it somewhat easier. To be stressed is the last thing I need right now - I need clarity, diligence, patience and peace. To not worry about not having these things in as great an abundance as I would like... that is helpful. That is why I can sleep at night.

[blank]

[this post left blank because the author has had too many late nights, is over-entertained, and has complexes about both his intellectual capabilities and his physical decline made painfully evident when sitting in a computer chair by his flabby stomach, all of which have negatively influenced his ability to write creatively]

turbulence

These are turbulent times on the 'book...

I've never noticed such a wide gap between those who are happy and those who are not.

"Joe Bloggs is overjoyed", etc...

"John Doe hurts", etc...

these are interesting times indeed

falling

What do you do with inadequacy?

I can't help but feel, at times, that everything we do in life is a game... pointless, trivial, weak, insignificant...

I want to slap the person who wrote the song that says, "It feels like I'm falling and that's what it's like to believe". That is the most idiotic description of faith I have ever heard. No, faith is the knowledge that even though you're hurtling towards the ground, God won't let even one of your limbs break. You have faith that God is in control, but falling is about a complete lack of control rather than the deferral of control to another who is more capable.

That is where I am tonight.

variation

Jesus loves you, this I know,
For the Bible tells me so,
Each of us to Him belong,
We are weak, but He is strong.
Yes, Jesus loves you,
Yes, Jesus loves you,
Yes, Jesus loves you,
The Bible tells me so.

meteorology

Whatever you have to say about the man, Mark Driscoll has done wonders for the blogosphere lately :o)

peace

A number of years ago, I wrote about a peace I had on that particular day. Somehow, that peace has eluded me one way or another on almost every day since. I wonder at it: where did it go? Did it go the same way as the feelings of contentment I used to have at the warmth of the sun, the cool of the breeze, the sight of the trees? Was it ever mine to begin with?

I used to write so much poetry... I miss whatever it was in me that enabled such passionate expression. I miss feeling like I could write anything I felt. There are too many consequences now.