notes

What I noted today (inadvertently in chronological order):

1. I need a wetsuit for getting to and from uni on my bike on days like this

2. I don't want to to a good job of my last music assignment... I want to do something exceptional

3. French and Spanish oral tests on the same day is generally a bad action plan

4. Wine helps you speak French when you know a fair bit of French, but doesn't really help you speak Spanish when you don't know much Spanish and you've already used it to speak French

5. Harrison's Pharmacy in Broadway is open past 6pm

6. When your laptop's screen keeps turning itself off because it thinks it's closed when it's not, it's hard to blog

blackjack

I saw the new movie 21 tonight. It was quite a decent movie, though it didn't really grip me that much. I think I was put off by the pervasive greed. Still, a well-made and enjoyable movie!

I would love to have a day off tomorrow, but that won't happen. There is a music assignment pressing, a Spanish test to study for, and things to be done in organising a debate for EUSci. I know that I have things pretty light compared to most people I know, but what really makes a difference to how you feel is how light you feel you can handle things to be. I don't feel particularly strong under things at the moment, and so each day is a day with a pack to be shouldered as I wake and shed as I slowly drift into unconsciousness at the day's distant other end.

I wish I knew how I worked... I have a feeling life would be easier that way. I am not and have never been a simple guy. Even twenty-three-and-three-quarter years as my own closest companion haven't taught me every nuance of my psyche. Is this normal? Or is this where the entire discipline of philosophy had its birth?

catharsis

I painted today. It was very cathartic. I painted a gradient of blues, and I'm going to continue the painting/catharsis tomorrow/sometime.

'Connect' tonight was on relationships. It's always fun... there's often a lot of tension in the room because people tend to take it more seriously as a subject, and so jokes go down really well! Not jokes told by me - there aren't many of those. It was also an interesting night, with the usual large amount of food for thought that comes with almost any Connect session.

And no, that's all I'm going to say about it :oP

potential absentee

So it's turned into another late night (seems this would be where my passion has gone...), and I've just re-discovered that I have a meeting at 8am this morning. Dave, this is why I'm not there :oP

weary

I'm so weary... where did my passion go?

experiment

I've decided to carry out a little experiment... Since my other blog is (yet again) unused, I decided to attempt yet another method by which to use it... I've converted it to French, and hope to use it to practice my French writing, thinking and commentary. If you know how to read, write, speak, think, etc. in French, please drop in and comment! As usual, it's at http://mrbiteme.blogspot.com.

In other news, I'm tired and (apparently) a whole lot less creative than I was three years ago!

astounding

I think that some of the most amazing words that Jesus ever spoke were these:

"I tell you the truth ... before Abraham was born, I am!"

 - John 8:58

At the moment, I'm in awe of this man who is God eternal, and grappling with trying to understand those who don't believe He is God. My housemate Darv and I are preparing for a return visit from our local Jehovah's Witnesses, reading up on Jesus' divinity and the Trinity as these were two prominent topics in last week's conversation. Their translation reads something like:

"I tell you the truth ... before Abraham was born, I have been"

...which is very different in meaning, and is actually an incorrect translation. The verb "to be" is the same as is translated into the present tense in many other places in John's gospel, and yet here it is translated into the past tense. In the original Greek, Jesus says "I am", and not "I have been", and so they have changed the Bible - and not just at this point, may I add. This does make me angry, but I'm also filled with compassion to hear that Jehovah's Witnesses are trained not to think for themselves. They accept without question what the Watchtower Society teaches - in fact they are taught to accept it without question. In contrast to the Biblical education I'm receiving through Barneys and the Evangelical Union, which teaches me to both listen to God's Word and to think about it - about what it means and about how to apply it to life - I can see just how poor and lost they are. This has changed my whole outlook on Thursday morning's rendez-vous - I had been going to approach it with fervent declarations of the truth, but now I have been shown that what is needed is for these poor people to begin to think for themselves about the lies they have been taught. Once they question what they have been taught, maybe then we can show them the truth.

This is strange to me... I have spent so much of my life trying to avoid doubts about my faith, and now here I am preparing to sow doubts into someone else's faith. And it occurs to me now that herein lies the importance of thinking about and wrestling with God about one's faith - faith you don't understand in a God you don't know is a perilous, if not outright damaging, place to be. It's sad that so many stop here though, when God so readily gives the truth to those who seek it... to those who seek Him with all their heart.

Please pray for Darv and I, that we wouldn't be arrogant, that we would be loving, that we would be patient, and that we would depend on our Lord Jesus Christ to provide us with answers through the Holy Spirit our Counsellor.

holidays

Ten letters can't possibly do everything justice.

Whenever I sit down to write lately, everything comes to mind all at once. The resulting bottleneck often leads to nothing coming out, or at least in a feeling of apathy when I see what kind of mish-mash I'd have to sort through to get out anything intelligible.

Oh well, I guess that's the way of it.

I saw a movie tonight - No Country for Old Men. It was strange - well-put-together, poignant yet light in parts, and yet it leaves you wondering, "Huh?" at the end. I'm not so sure whether my feeling of confusion was due to incomprehension or disbelief... oh well. It was good, just confusing.

I've been AWOL from the internet lately (not that one needs leave to be away from the internet... pay heed, you facebook addicts!), largely due to the laziness of my holidays, the addictiveness of Oblivion, and the amorous side of life. I didn't really miss facebook all that much... don't worry, dear friends, I did miss you, and still do! I just didn't miss sitting on facebook for three hours in the middle of the night waiting for someone else to come online so I could superpoke them. No, I didn't miss that, and I've been able to do a few useful things in my new-found spare time, like fix things and watch copious amounts of Law and Order... yes, sceptic, it'll be useful if I ever have to go to court :oP hehehee

Oh holidays... parting will be such sweet sweet sorrow...

midnight

The man walked, head down, along the wall of the bay. He was bringing before God the events of the days previous and his uncertainties about the days to come. The dull drone of cars, trucks and motorbikes wafted across the water from the bridge across the bay, strangely calming in its constancy. Points of light painted the surface of the bay in broad shimmering swathes. There was movement on the water, and movement on the road, and as he moved along the wall he found his thoughts moved more freely also. Head down, or head up and looking around, he walked and he talked in the night.

Head down, he discovered he was not alone. On the wall before him, a tiny creature scurried along scared of him. A cockroach? There are many of those around... but it doesn't look like a cockroach, or at least like none he's ever seen. It turned off the wall and stopped on the grass, obligingly paused out of fear or elsewise, and so the man bent down to see it. What a curious creature... like a cockroach, but more like a large flat slater, with a translucent yellow segmented shell and legs of the same. He could almost see right through it. Crouched in fascination he stared for ages, no doubt raising the curiosity of the few passers-by. Then he left it in peace, straightened up and walked on.

One, two, three steps... "In his heart a man plans his course, but the LORD determines his steps." The scripture came to his mind like an old friend arriving unannounced in a time of need, speaking directly to his concerns. When following God, oftentimes the road you choose will lead you to the unexpected, and oftentimes the road you are on will lead you where you would not have chosen to go, and yet it is the LORD who has determined the steps that brought you there. Upon closer inspection can be seen the intricacy, the amazing and unexpected beauty of the creative work of God. And so, pondering this, the man walked on in the semi-dark with a new perspective. To where? He didn't know, but he knew that the steps he would take would be wrought by God, and that was enough.

anxious

anxious
i'm anxious
so anxious
and i don't
know why
is it work?
is it uncertainty?
is it insecurity?
is it being awake?
can i stop?
no.
can i run?
no.
can i breathe?
no.
wait...
...
barely.
where am i?
where are you?
what am i?
what is this?
hide me
hide me
hear my scream
inside
my prayer
inside
my storm
inside
where it hides
from even me
hide me
hold me
tight
in your hand
where i'm safe
from it
all
please.

useless ramble

It's hot today. When it's hot, I can't think of what to write... well actually, that's more of a general condition. Sometimes I wish subject matter would present itself more clearly.

The thought crossed my mind last night at about 2am (hardly the time for adequate pondering of anything) that I'm not entirely sure how being "more than conquerors" plays out in the Christian's life, and so I think I should do some looking into that sometime soon.

Oh, and then there's the French essay due in a week... bleurgh... :oP I suppose I'm not really on holidays yet.

somewhere deep

I know this...

Somewhere deep
lies the blackest dark of doubt,
and how it seems no cure is yet known
for all that blackened cries,
for all that smothered dies,
for hope that forgot lies!

And somewhere deep
lies the foulest stench of death,
a reeking cloud of all that we have done
to neighbours far and near,
to forge each other's tears,
to raise a race in fear.

And yet...

Somewhere deep
lies the sparkling jewel of patience,
a treasure rich of mysterious supply
that binds the wounds complete,
that imparts stillness sweet,
that readies unshod feet.

Somewhere deep
lies the richest gold of love,
the purest indescribable... thing
of which our songs do sing,
to which our hands do cling,
on which our hearts take wing.

Somewhere deep
lies the loveliest source of grace,
upon a blood-streaked, battered face is borne
forgiveness bought in pain,
mercy's soft sweet rain,
redemption in His name.

Somewhere deep
lies the grave where once He lay,
He lives! and now to ever sing His praise
who life eternal lives,
who life eternal gives,
who was, will be, and is!

old school thoughts

I'm one of only a few who still use this archaic method of communing with the world, I know, but that's because I like the fluidity of words strung together in sentences rather than flung at you in a roughly tabular format along with hundreds of pictures. It's just nice to work on some phrases and then send them out in the world to fend for themselves.

It's pretty crazy times right now, with assessments coming down around our ears at uni, and relationship making and breaking here, there and everywhere you look. This is, beyond doubt, a very stressful time of year for all! I've done one of five assessments for this fortnight, so I'm relatively relieved right now, insofar as uni work is concerned.

I have had more epiphanic moments than ever lately. I am realising things about myself and about life that seem to be quite profound; things that concern how life works or how I work sometimes just come into my thoughts and stun me. They often slip out, but I'm trying to write them down now so I don't forget them. This is rare for me, because thinking about life and its operations has almost always taken second place to whatever's going on at the moment. I must say, I'm glad that my thought life is changing in this way.

At the moment, it's my intention to stay single for a while - until God is my first love through thick and thin, and until I have an attitude towards relationships that would enable me to be a decent husband. I've just found that my attitude is unhealthy, and I really don't want to burden any daughter of Christ with that. Nor do I want to be weak again. A man becomes a shadow of himself when is unable to be respected, and I know that deep down are many attitudes of my heart that lead to unrespectable actions. And so I will wait, work and pray like heck. To be honest, it's not easy. Changing attitudes that have been in me since I was a small boy is hard. Or maybe recognising those attitudes and learning when and where to apply them is the answer. One thing I know - I need to see a wife as someone to serve, not someone to be served by. Someone to love, not be loved by. That will probably fix me up a lot. I'm also opening up to viewing the communities I'm in as places where I can find fulfilment, joy and friends as well, which is challenging for me.

I'm getting a lot of musical aspirations lately, possibly because of my boredom with uni. I crave music (though not always the effort it takes to make it), and I have dreams of making beautiful music... actually, I think about it a lot. It's quite a pervasive thought. It was about this time last year I wrote a piece called The Gentle Green for a course at uni, which I'm still quite pleased with, considering it was my first escapade into minimalism, which I really enjoyed. I want to explore again. I also want to write songs, and to learn to play piano for church.

To God be the glory forever.

awake

I think I need to start doing more productive things with my time when I stay up absurdly late in front of my computer. I think that writing might satisfy, or some other kind of art. Suggestions?

mike whitney

The awesome unusualness of my weekend began on Friday night, when we just happened to walk into the Newtown pub where Mike Whitney (of Australian test cricket/Who Dares Wins/Gladiators fame) was lead singer in a cover band playing all kinds of old hits. Totally unexpected :o) and he's actually not all that bad!

6 episodes of Star Wars in chronological order in one 15-hour period. Nuff said.