anxious

anxious
i'm anxious
so anxious
and i don't
know why
is it work?
is it uncertainty?
is it insecurity?
is it being awake?
can i stop?
no.
can i run?
no.
can i breathe?
no.
wait...
...
barely.
where am i?
where are you?
what am i?
what is this?
hide me
hide me
hear my scream
inside
my prayer
inside
my storm
inside
where it hides
from even me
hide me
hold me
tight
in your hand
where i'm safe
from it
all
please.

useless ramble

It's hot today. When it's hot, I can't think of what to write... well actually, that's more of a general condition. Sometimes I wish subject matter would present itself more clearly.

The thought crossed my mind last night at about 2am (hardly the time for adequate pondering of anything) that I'm not entirely sure how being "more than conquerors" plays out in the Christian's life, and so I think I should do some looking into that sometime soon.

Oh, and then there's the French essay due in a week... bleurgh... :oP I suppose I'm not really on holidays yet.

somewhere deep

I know this...

Somewhere deep
lies the blackest dark of doubt,
and how it seems no cure is yet known
for all that blackened cries,
for all that smothered dies,
for hope that forgot lies!

And somewhere deep
lies the foulest stench of death,
a reeking cloud of all that we have done
to neighbours far and near,
to forge each other's tears,
to raise a race in fear.

And yet...

Somewhere deep
lies the sparkling jewel of patience,
a treasure rich of mysterious supply
that binds the wounds complete,
that imparts stillness sweet,
that readies unshod feet.

Somewhere deep
lies the richest gold of love,
the purest indescribable... thing
of which our songs do sing,
to which our hands do cling,
on which our hearts take wing.

Somewhere deep
lies the loveliest source of grace,
upon a blood-streaked, battered face is borne
forgiveness bought in pain,
mercy's soft sweet rain,
redemption in His name.

Somewhere deep
lies the grave where once He lay,
He lives! and now to ever sing His praise
who life eternal lives,
who life eternal gives,
who was, will be, and is!

old school thoughts

I'm one of only a few who still use this archaic method of communing with the world, I know, but that's because I like the fluidity of words strung together in sentences rather than flung at you in a roughly tabular format along with hundreds of pictures. It's just nice to work on some phrases and then send them out in the world to fend for themselves.

It's pretty crazy times right now, with assessments coming down around our ears at uni, and relationship making and breaking here, there and everywhere you look. This is, beyond doubt, a very stressful time of year for all! I've done one of five assessments for this fortnight, so I'm relatively relieved right now, insofar as uni work is concerned.

I have had more epiphanic moments than ever lately. I am realising things about myself and about life that seem to be quite profound; things that concern how life works or how I work sometimes just come into my thoughts and stun me. They often slip out, but I'm trying to write them down now so I don't forget them. This is rare for me, because thinking about life and its operations has almost always taken second place to whatever's going on at the moment. I must say, I'm glad that my thought life is changing in this way.

At the moment, it's my intention to stay single for a while - until God is my first love through thick and thin, and until I have an attitude towards relationships that would enable me to be a decent husband. I've just found that my attitude is unhealthy, and I really don't want to burden any daughter of Christ with that. Nor do I want to be weak again. A man becomes a shadow of himself when is unable to be respected, and I know that deep down are many attitudes of my heart that lead to unrespectable actions. And so I will wait, work and pray like heck. To be honest, it's not easy. Changing attitudes that have been in me since I was a small boy is hard. Or maybe recognising those attitudes and learning when and where to apply them is the answer. One thing I know - I need to see a wife as someone to serve, not someone to be served by. Someone to love, not be loved by. That will probably fix me up a lot. I'm also opening up to viewing the communities I'm in as places where I can find fulfilment, joy and friends as well, which is challenging for me.

I'm getting a lot of musical aspirations lately, possibly because of my boredom with uni. I crave music (though not always the effort it takes to make it), and I have dreams of making beautiful music... actually, I think about it a lot. It's quite a pervasive thought. It was about this time last year I wrote a piece called The Gentle Green for a course at uni, which I'm still quite pleased with, considering it was my first escapade into minimalism, which I really enjoyed. I want to explore again. I also want to write songs, and to learn to play piano for church.

To God be the glory forever.

awake

I think I need to start doing more productive things with my time when I stay up absurdly late in front of my computer. I think that writing might satisfy, or some other kind of art. Suggestions?