[ a m a d e u s ]

albums you’ve probably almost forgotten #1 – Savage Garden (self-titled)

2011-05-25T23:22:00.000+10:00

Savage Garden’s first and penultimate album holds the auspicious honour of being the third CD I ever bought. I bought it in Canberra for $10 from some little second-hand record store, and it was awesome. The songs I’d heard on the schoolbus were even better on my still-new CD player, that technological marvel. Mine just so happened to be identical to my mate’s CD player, on which I’d first heard Savage Garden in full. It’s amazing the things you remember... like my mate explaining to me how profound “Santa Monica” was. You really could pretend to be anyone on the phone, he elucidated.

I can’t help but be a bit fond of this album. Savage Garden’s simple format of a guitar, some synths and a kid who learnt to sing by mimicking Michael Jackson didn’t stop them from churning out a solid attempt at a pop album, and it’s still mostly palatable after fourteen years. There are a few pieces of mildly funky electro-pop stuck in the middle which are getting a bit cringe-worthy, but they’re made up for by the smoother, deeper tunes which book-end the album. Like everything from the 90s, this album tries a few too many fusions for its own good. But some of it just works, unlike a lot of Australian pop music from this era. Even after a thousand plays, “To The Moon & Back” is still an emotive song, and “A Thousand Words” can still get you deep enough into its groove to make you overlook glaring arithmetical exaggerations.

Probably among the least embarrassing of Australia’s cultural exports of the 90s. Chances are that you or someone in your family already played it until you were sick of it. It was that good at the time, and it’s still kinda got it.

Stand-out song: “To The Moon & Back”
How did we stand this stuff: “Violet”
Still surprisingly decent: “All Around Me”

time to get a move on

2010-09-04T02:34:00.002+10:00

It has to be at least a year since I decided to take a hiatus from summarising my thoughts on AnCon '09, and I have to admit that it's probably a bit more than a hiatus by this stage. Think I really dropped that ball.

I find it slightly interesting, though, that I left off after writing about "getting a move on", and now I'm back to thinking about the same issues. I know it's time to "get a move on" and do something, but what? I'm not sure.

I've talked with a senior EU staffworker about spending a couple of years in training with the EU, and the main thing we worked out was that I had to think about whether I was ready for it. I'm not sure that I am. I've been in the EU and around Sydney Uni for about seven years now, and that's a long time by anyone's standard. I'm getting fairly jaded, and that's not the kind of thing you want to pass on to passionate first years. So maybe that wouldn't be the best move just yet.

So the other two options are work and post-grad study. I gotta say, I'm really liking the thought of post-grad study. Studying music honours is pretty sweet, and I'm really loving the writing experience. Post-grad study feels like an excuse to write more, and particularly to write more about music. They say that a good music critic can write about music in a way that makes you hear it in your head, and I'm not there yet, but I'd sure as heck like to be. If I stayed at Sydney I could have a great supervisor, and there may be other options nearby. But there are a few down sides to this path. To survive would either mean more time on Centrelink, getting a scholarship, or working part-time. Unattractive, unlikely, and unhinged respectively. Also, having a post-grad degree doesn't necessarily make you more employable. That said, God uses everything.

Or I could just get a job. I've definitely missed graduate intakes for next year, and I won't have the headspace to look for work until after mid-October when my thesis is due. I don't know, it's still an option, and could be a good one. I could start to live in the *cough* real world *cough* ...

And as if that isn't a stupid term anyway. What makes someone socially benign isn't what they do with their life but how much they give a damn about what's around them. You don't graduate to a life in the real world, you were born there. No, you graduate to a life where either:
a. you can afford to distract yourself from the real world, or
b. you know the real world (or at least a part of it) better.
I'll choose b any day. Whatever it is that ends up filling my time, I want to keep my head out of the clouds. I'll never forget how a friend's dad (a tradie) once criticised academics for being practically useless. I figure there's no point trying to improve humanity if humanity thinks you're not worth listening to. And that goes for anything I could end up doing: EU staffworking, post-grad study or full-time work. The way people recognise that you're worth their time is how much you give a damn about them, about what they do and about how they think. And of course, that means you have to think about them, what they do and what they think about. It doesn't come to you automatically when you can finally afford a bigger TV.
/rant

*ahem*

So I think... on reflection... all I really know that I want to do is to keep knowing how to fix stuff.

blake ii - piety

2010-09-04T01:18:00.000+10:00

Here's the second poem I submitted. This one was a bit more of an after-thought, coming together from bits I didn't put in the other one. Still, I think it's alright.

Piety

"Dear God,
Please give me my daily bread,
And maybe just a little bit more for good measure.
Amen."

He stands up,
turns,
and leaves the church.

Clean clothes, full stomach,
A heart full,
A swing in his step.

Steps over a down man
sprawled on the ground.
His conscience indulges in guilt
but feet must keep walking,
so his back speaks his mind.

- Iain Hart

blake i - young and free

2010-09-04T01:14:00.000+10:00

Hello world :o)

I submitted a couple of poems to a poetry prize earlier this year. One of the conditions of entry was that the poems be completely new and unpublished, even on a blog. So, now that I've made absolutely certain I didn't win anything, I've decided to post them. Here's the first poem.

Young and Free

I grew up out in a country town,
In Australia, young and free,
I rode my bike through paddocks brown,
Tracks cows had left for me.
My dad a preacher, man of God,
A shepherd of the farms,
My mum was shepherdess at home,
We kids grew in God's arms.

Dad died young. Then Mum got married.
Sis and I moved out.
I found my way to Sydney with
God's help and stayed devout.
A man just can't survive the bush
When books are his travail,
But God is God of everywhere—
right?
anyhow
Worked at my books as though for God,
Shined my light.

light all night,
never dark.
stark dreams, flashes of
everything i want
everything i...

Worked at my books as though for God,
Loved my church – my family.
God gave me comfort in their midst
And slowly made me holy.
I gave my all to...

In all I did,
Did I please You?
Was it You I sought to please?
Oh please
tell me my efforts won Your praise.

I prayed to God near endlessly,
Yet fed my soul with air,
I gave my all to greed
and lust And
languished in
my
guilt.
I sought to please my God
a bit
I sought to please the world
But no-one can be pleased when God
is more than word.

tread soft tread lightly
christian boy.
make not a peep,
whelp.
look at you!
your presence is a blight on our city of lights.
old men and old laws protect you, for now.
when they fall
you will fall
watch your back

So I take my place among my peers,
Hide my thoughts 'neath an unfurrowed brow,
I go and I mack on a burger and fries,
Flirt with the latest designer clothes,
Buy a new phone,
Ignore a friend,
while I pray to God behind unclosing eyes
unmoving mouth and
unempty hands.

i am, you are, we are ruined youth
our generation's curse is
endless potential
instant intellect
strenuous futility
constant misinformation
inherited depravity
shallow faith
mindless banality
and open eyes.
we watch
we hope
we wait
we die. Short days ago
We lived, we watched our parents strive,
A chain-gang breaking rocks and singing,
"We are the masters of our own destiny!"
now dead we lie, and dying
in their grave.

God save us.

I live my life in the city now,
Life contradictory:
I walk a dead man's walk, and yet
I live eternally.
God only knows
ahh...
God only knows how to survive
The temptation and the grief,
But that's just life for a Christian man
In Australia, young and free.

- Iain Hart

death

2010-08-12T18:11:00.000+10:00

For those who missed it, or those who would like to read it, here's the brief talk I gave at the EU Science & SciSoc "Making Sense of Death" event on 11/8/10. To God be the glory... definitely would have screwed it up without Him.

My dad died when I was 14. He’d had complications after a kidney transplant, and had been in hospital for two months as his body slowly shut down. I don’t remember whether I was looking at the heart rate monitor, or directly at him, when he died. But I was there, and he wasn’t anymore.

I will never forget the way I shook uncontrollably for five minutes afterwards. Nor will I ever forget the emptiness of our house when we went home. I can’t quite remember the hymns from his funeral, but sometimes in church I wonder “Was this one we sang?” and I choke up. A friend told me at the time that when his dad died, he felt five years older overnight, and I get that. Your life changes irrevocably when someone close to you dies. You get a hole right through you, a hole in your life and your experience. You always miss them, and you are never the same.

Death sucks. There is nothing good about it. When somebody close to you dies, every part of you screams that this is not right. You can’t make sense of it at the time, and by-and-large the passage of time just helps you move it to the background again. And yet it’s the only thing we can know for certain that we will experience. I have had depression and anxiety ever since my dad died. Depression is an all-pervasive pessimism, but it can bring to light a stark realism that you can’t ignore: you will die.

I am a Christian. I am by no means a good Christian, but I am a Christian nonetheless. And I am a Christian largely because Jesus beat death. When he walked the earth, he told his disciples that after being killed he would be resurrected, and he was. But Jesus’ resurrection is congruent with something I noticed after my dad’s death: that God can bring good things out of even the worst things.

My mum would comfort my sister and I with two Bible verses: Romans 8:28, which says “we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose,” and Psalm 116:5, which says “Precious in the sight of the LORD is the death of his saints.” This last verse means that God watches over his people carefully, even in death, and that’s what I noticed. Dad had been an Anglican minister, but he lost his job a few years before his death. Because Dad wasn’t a minister anymore, we weren’t living in a rectory, and so we didn’t have to move when he suddenly died. You may call it a coincidence, but we were so thankful to God. Dad must have hated to leave us, but he left us in good hands.

God encouraged us through that time too. Dad’s funeral was at a large church building and it was still packed out - a witness to us of how many people’s lives had been blessed by Dad and his years of faithful service to God’s people. That kind of thing helps you see that though life will end in death, life doesn’t have to be futile. That’s why I can bear to talk to you about death, and why I’d encourage you to think about it once in a while. To think about the inevitability of death, about how you’re going to face it, and about what you’re going to do with your life in the meantime.

I am afraid of death. I think you’d be mad not to be. It’s not right, and it doesn’t make sense. But God can still bring good things out of it. Jesus beat death so He could give you life. His promise is that those who die following Him will be resurrected at the end of the world, and that they will live forever from that point on. Though I am scared of death, I am confident that God will bring me through it safely. Like Psalm 23 says, even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for God is with me.

study

2010-07-15T16:46:00.000+10:00

So I sit down to start my last semester's worth of undergraduate study, pull out a book and start some research. First sentence of the relevant chapter sounds familiar - I seem to remember checking out this chapter when my supervisor showed me the book in class. Second sentence is familiar too. Halfway through the first paragraph I flick to the end of the chapter and realise that I'd actually read the whole chapter before.

I am so not in the zone.

i owned the road

2010-06-19T03:05:00.000+10:00

I think I'm crazy.

Somehow or other, I seem to end up doing most of my moving after dark. I drove some things down to Mum's tonight, leaving at 10:30 for the 1.5hr drive each way. The drive was unhindered by traffic. Such a pleasant change.

Some thoughts:
- Driving is cathartic.
- Singing is cathartic.
- When driving late at night, it pays to have eclectic tastes in music. Metal is particularly useful when attempting to induce temporary insomnia. System of a Down on the way there, Queensryche on the way back, power all the way.
- Well-aimed headlights are awesome.

Winter in Sydney is an impotent excuse for a season. Bowral is cold enough to make winter exciting, with icy air in your lungs, near-frozen tap water and the glorious scent of a thousand wood heaters. Sydney is just cold enough to make you depressed because it's obviously not summer anymore.

I'm certain I'm crazy, but that's mostly due to things other than late night removalism. I do like the forced solitude of the small hours. When there's nobody awake to see you, there's no point wearing a mask. That's not to say I don't, just that it makes the fact of wearing it and your purpose in doing so become more obvious - you're scared of unknown people.

I currently have fewer computers in my room than I've had for the last 3.3 years. Perhaps that's related to why I wear a mask.

Man, that sounds so freaking emo. Maybe I'll write about that on my blog.

unwanted guest

2010-03-23T03:45:00.000+11:00

Your brother is smeared on my wall.
Come back, little one, and see where your hunger leads.
We have some unfinished business.

I hear that you're free as a bird,
Romancing freedom in flight, fitful flitting through shadows.
We have some talking to do.

Your argument seems very clear.
Give you some food. Can't say you hide much there.
We are at odds at this point.

I think that's a sub-par excuse.
Leaving my door ajar doesn't mean I am to blame here.
We both know sucking blood's evil.

I killed all your cousins you know.
All of them came, they all saw, they were conquered.
We have a family vendetta.

I move like a ninja sometimes.
Your demise was surprisingly brief and satisfying.
You and your bro look alike.

-- Iain

bus tales: epilogue

2010-02-24T17:46:00.000+11:00

Epilogue: Notes to the Road-using Public of Sydney and the World

1. Please learn how to merge.
I believe that 90% of traffic jams are caused by drivers being low on confidence, and that 95% of these traffic jams are caused by people lacking confidence as they merge. GOOD merging practice is to match your speed with the speed of cars in the lane you're merging into. That way neither of you will have to slow down more than 10km/h or so. BAD merging practice is to slow down and wait for an appropriately-sized gap in traffic. In Sydney, that's never going to happen. When you match your speed you can merge safely into a much smaller gap. When you slow down/stop, you hold up a row of traffic behind you and force some other nervous n00b to hold up another row of traffic as they let you in. In the end, traffic slows to a grind and roads become parking lots because you never learned how to merge properly. Get a grip, learn how big/small your car is, and stop slowing us down. The planet will thank you, and I won't want to bash your headlights in with a baseball bat.
I also believe the other 10% of traffic jams is caused by people slowing down to look at weird stuff. Please stop doing that too.

2. SUVs are of the devil.
I grew up in the country, where real 4WDs have a legitimate and valuable place on the roads. However, I have nothing but scorn for the imitation 4WDs that infest our city streets - the "Suburban Utility Vehicle" (you can say "it's supposed to be Sports Utility Vehicle" as much as you like, but that doesn't make it true). I don't really care what TodayTonight tells you - you're not safer in an SUV. Sure, there might be a little more metal protecting you from the outside world, but the ego trip that gives you is sure to attract the fury of every other motorist when it makes you drive like a tool. Driving an SUV does NOT give you a licence to cut in front of people. It does NOT give you a licence not to indicate. It does NOT give you a licence to drive like you deserve to be first in everything. It does NOT make you look cool, and it is NOT a fashionable lifestyle accessory. You're driving an overweight station wagon. You make it impossible for people in smaller cars to see safe distances ahead or around you. You generally act as though you removed your brain before you got in the driver's seat. You waste petrol. You are a menace to society. Grow up and get a social conscience.
If you drive a Ford Territory, this rebuke is directed doubly strongly at you. Particularly the part about how it does NOT make you look cool. Your SUV-driving counterparts may be driving Porsches or Mercedes or BMWs or even Toyotas (they started the SUV game), but you're driving a Ford. Seriously. If you want to waste petrol in a Ford, buy a Falcon. It's cheaper and it goes better... and, hey what now? It's SAFER. 5-star ANCAP rating. Methinks you made a bad choice.
If this rebuke offends someone I like, I'm really sorry, but I do think that in the majority of situations an SUV is an irresponsible car to be driving. Also, I have seen one or two well-driven SUVs, so I know their drivers aren't all bad... keep fighting the ego trip, good drivers.

3. Don't park in bus stops.
Bus drivers have a job to do, and you're making it hard for them. Sure, it might seem as though parking as close to the end of the bus stop won't be an inconvenience, but you've probably never had to pull a 12.5m heavy vehicle up parallel to the curb within easy stepping distance for old ladies. It's hard. I kid you not: every time I saw this I wished there was a legal provision under which I could either take out your car with my bus, or jump out of the seat and bash in your headlights with a baseball bat. And really, why on earth would you risk a $189 fine, or worse, a grumpy bus driver? Please don't park in bus stops. You're not helping anyone.

4. Look in your mirror before you open your door.
Giving a bus driver a heart attack is a bad plan. Opening your door to get out at the exact moment a bus is driving past is a pretty certain way to give a bus driver a heart attack. Do you want to keep your limbs and save the lives of up to 70 people? Check your mirror before you get out and wait for a safe gap. It's not that hard.

5. Giving way to buses.
Now, it may come as a surprise to those of you who never read road signs (I'm convinced you're out there), but there's a sign on the back of the bus that looks like this:

Funnily enough, this sign tells you that when a bus is indicating to merge, you're supposed to give way to it. It's nice when you let it. It makes the driver's job a whole lot easier if you obey the law.

...

Actually, to "obey the law", you shouldn't just let them in. The sign actually only entitles a bus to right of way when it's moving away from being stopped at the far left side of the road (so not just merging), and when it's been indicating for more than 5 seconds. Full details here: http://www.legislation.nsw.gov.au/fragview/inforce/subordleg+179+2008+pt.7-div.4+0+N

I just tell you this so you can be informed. However, I know for a fact that there are bus drivers out there who don't even wait for cars to give way before they pull out. Playing chicken with 15 tonnes of metal isn't smart... just let them in, and be prepared for them to cut in front of you.

And on that point... it's kinda funny watching people realise that they're going to have to give way to a bus. First there's an avoidance phase, where they move as far to the right of their lane as possible, and sometimes a little bit into the next lane. Then there's the acceptance, where they awkwardly stop and let the bus in. Then there's the face-saving manoeuvre, which inevitably involves racing past the bus at the next available opportunity. I laughed at people when they did this. It's much easier and safer if you just slow down and don't swerve.

bus tales: the end

2010-02-24T16:43:00.000+11:00

Well, I'm no longer driving buses. At the moment, I'm choosing to see this as a positive career move. My stomach is enjoying its reunion with two-minute noodles, and I'm learning to treat take-away food as a last resort rather than a staple, but it's all for the sake of being a well-educated young man. I've had a week and a half away from the job now, and I've been thinking of the ways the job benefited me and of the things I've learned during the year. I thought I might share some of these.

This job taught me that I'm capable of more than I thought I was. A bit of determination and stickability can, apparently, lead to a strengthening of resolve in the face of a challenge, which in turn can lead to facing larger challenges with some kind of courage. Or some such. Basically, I almost quit on my third day at the depot, but I didn't, and I'm kinda glad. God gave me strength when I asked for it on those early early mornings, and He also gave me the courage to use it.

I guess it was also kind of fun. Driving a huge blue and white people cart can be enjoyable, and it's really not as hard as it looks. You get a whole new view of the road. Sometimes that's fun, and sometimes it's frustrating. There were more than a few moments when I found myself thinking "I am a leaf on the wind..." (just to disturb the Firefly fans), and that was a bit of a hoot.

I also got a different view of people, both passengers and other drivers. Some people are just plain rude without apparent cause, and I guess that's just prejudice. Passengers sometimes assume bus drivers are rude and ignorant, or that conversing with them in any way is beneath them. Bus drivers sometimes assume passengers are rude and ignorant, or that conversing with them in any way is beneath them. It's all just stupid really. We're all people, and all doing jobs so we can eat. Whether you want to be a bastard about it is up to you, but I can testify that it's much easier for both parties if you're nice. I think the best thing about this job was the regular passengers I had, who knew me and knew I was a nice guy and a good driver. They were nice to me back, and I think we brightened up each others' days. I was ashamed of my profession when other bus drivers were bastards to passengers, and I'm still extremely critical of bus drivers in general really. On one level, when your job is to sit in traffic jams and carry around a bunch of ingrates you'd expect to have a short fuse, but that's no excuse for being a rude old bastard. "Sad little king of his sad little hill..."

I don't think my faith stood up to the challenge of a high workload as well as I'd have liked. I'm going to have to be extremely careful with that in the coming years, and learn to prioritise better and trust what's trustworthy and not cut corners. The world is full of distractions, and I am a very distractable person.

All told, it's been one of the most informative years of my life. It feels weird for it to be over, and I have to admit that I miss some of the perks (particularly my employee travel pass... that was probably the most valuable thing in my possession). Still, onward and upward! This too will be an interesting year. Stay tuned.

waking up slowly

2009-12-21T09:46:00.003+11:00

Waking up slowly, the sound of a drill,
The cars on the road as they climb up the hill,
The birds and the trees with the wind in their hair
And inertial limbs screaming, resisting my dare
To wake up and face the world, man up and live it,
And live it damn well, and to hell with my limits.
They'll come around slow, then I'll crawl out of bed,
To stand up - not straight, not strong but not dead.

Give me an inch, I'll run it a mile
(though no guarantee that I'll do it in style);
More often than not too, I'll run the wrong way
And I'll double back, trip up and screw up the game.
There's fun to be had, and it's bad to be sad,
Work ya guns to be glad, coz that new fad is rad,
But the glad lad comes sad when bad fads had to die -
You're mad if you don't stop and ask yourself why.

Crawl into bed at the end of the day,
Don't give it thought, just give it a wave,
Read a good book as your limbs fall asleep,
Drift to oblivion without making a peep.
Tomorrow your lot is to do it again,
The birds sing in trees, your limbs scream in pain,
To gain what they can just to hand it right on.
Wake yourself slowly now. Stand up. Be strong.

- Iain

hypochondriasis

2009-12-03T22:50:00.003+11:00

It's a world of fun in my mind at the moment.

Hypochondriasis is the phobia that you're sick with something serious. It preys on what you think is an abnormal sensation or occurrence, and turns it into something you're going to die from. There's a related phenomenon called cyberchondria, which is when hypochondria gets exacerbated by misinformation from popular media. Hence, I'm finding it slightly ironic that I used Wikipedia to confirm that I am a hypochondriac.

I started writing about all the gory details, but then thought better of it... Suffice to say, I'm getting a disturbing amount of practice at cleaning wounds with a pocketknife and hydrogen peroxide. Where these wounds come from, I'm not so sure. I just dug something out of my foot - not sure what, not sure how or when it got there. The finger I can kind of explain, though it's taken a disturbing amount of cleaning also. Taught me a little about restraint when I bleached my skin white from the H2O2 and had to hold my hand under running water for 10 minutes to get normal colour back. I'm also showing remarkable restraint in not rushing to the doctor to get my back checked post-sunburn until after the skin peels and the normal itchiness stops. And all of this is on top of the standard paranoia that accompanies every groggy day after a late night, where I imagine myself not just groggy but sick, and consequently find myself light-headed because I'm short of breath because I'm panicking because I think I'm sick... it does not a fun day at work make.

It's the things I can't diagnose myself that get me the most. I like to fix things, and if I know what's wrong with something I can generally give it a shot at fixing it. Thing is, there's just so much about my body that I have no idea about, and I wouldn't have the first idea about how to fix it. And worse, I have no real idea how to tell if it's actually broken. Engines and computers are so much easier. With a body, you can't listen for pinging or knocking, and you can't check the timing or change the filters or watch for bubbles in the radiator fluid. You can't boot into Safe Mode and check the startup logs, you can't upgrade the software, and you can't kill processes one by one to find out which one was hogging all the memory. To misquote one of the most awesome webcomics ever, "my normal approach is useless here." One thing I have found helpful is the cognitive behavioural therapy techniques I learnt a few years ago while tackling depression. I actually find this a tougher challenge for them, but they can actually be effective, and it's good to have realised that.

I guess this could lead into writing about an underlying fear of death, or at least of a wasted life, but I'll hold off on that. Might write about it soon, possibly when I continue my post-AnCon thoughts (yes, I am still planning on finishing those). Hopefully I'll get to finish writing those before I die of an infected finger.

motivation for temptation

2009-11-30T01:11:00.001+11:00

Satan wants you because he hates you.

bus tales v

2009-11-06T01:23:00.003+11:00

So two things from today...

A woman slipped over when she was getting on the bus and cut her forehead open. Thankfully we were almost at Royal North Shore Hospital and there was a guy on the bus who seemed to know a bit of medical stuff. I didn't exactly follow protocol in letting the powers that be know about it, but hopefully all will be fine. The cut seemed minor, from what the guy was saying. And I'm praising God again that one of the guys who trained me, who's a Christian and is just plain nice, was yet again supervising the depot when something crazy happened to me.

A guy got on at my second last stop with his pants undone and with the most slurred speech I have ever heard. I really shouldn't have let him on at all. Would have made for a more interesting story if I hadn't. Huh. That's not why I shouldn't have let him on though... you're not allowed on a bus when you're drunk. So much about bus driving seems to be about how much the driver cares and how angry they are at the world.

bus tales iv

2009-10-16T17:16:00.001+11:00

So one of my favourite things about this job is the perspective you
give other drivers. One phenomenon I've decided to call the octabus
phenomenon (standing for "Oh Crap There's A Bus") makes me chuckle
particularly chortlishly inside. When squeezing past a car whose left
side is on, very near to or even over your lane line, it's pretty
satisfying to not hit them... it's a big vehicle, so putting it
somewhere small is a challenge. What's best, though, is seeing how far
away from the lane line when you look back at them in your mirror. I'd
say an average of 30cm. Nobody likes being that close to a huge blue
and white peoplecart. Oh, the power.

--
Sent from my mobile device

bus tales iii

2009-10-15T17:21:00.001+11:00

"Do you know how they kill the chickens at KFC? They electrocute them."

Well, you don't get randomly informed about THAT everyday. Thanks, random lady.

--
Sent from my mobile device

perspective

2009-10-04T01:02:00.002+10:00

When I got home tonight I sat in the car listening to music. I needed to. Some thoughts are best processed near but not soaking in rain.

"An Audience with the Devil Restrung" by the Hilltop Hoods played on shuffle. A poignant look at humanity's inevitable tendency to evil.

Then played "Oh Lord, You're Beautiful" by Keith Green. A reverent love song to Jesus of obedience and hope.

There is more than one way to look at life.

Each decision and every moment in life bear possibilities and consequences we can't know. This can cripple you or it can strengthen you. You can be paralysed by fear and the desire for security, or you can be encouraged to work, fight and trust. What you will do in each situation is largely determined by the perspective you already have on life and where you got your wisdom.

I may love some of the darker sides of culture... I may flirt with depression and slowdance with the past... I may have a bark far worse than my bite... but to hell with it if I leave this world as I found it. To hell with it if I leave every opportunity untouched. To hell with it if I let the black in my heart win out. To hell with me if I leave you, Jesus. I'd rather live in love and action. Frail though my faith may be sometimes, Your way changes people for the better.

bus tales ii

2009-09-16T19:39:00.001+10:00

Today on the bus...

Yr 8: Can I not pay? I'd have to break this... (waves a 20 around
lamely) ...I don't have anything smaller.

Me: You've got a fiver right there.

Yr 8: How did you SEE that?!

Me: I'm good like that.

Then I saw a little ranger boy doing a Hitler salute while being
carried by his mum.

--
Sent from my mobile device

bus tales

2009-09-11T18:18:00.001+10:00

Today on the buses...

Almost certain i saw Marie Bashir sending a text feom the passenger
seat of her limo as it drove past.

Laughed not a few times at a schoolgirl trying to convince her friends
to buy her an iPhone for her birthday, then trying to organise a
birthday party where her friends gave her money for said iPhone. She
failed badly at doing the maths of how many friends would have to
bring how much money. Sometimes futility is hilarious.

Saw a Mitsubishi Magna broken down and stopping traffic and
immediately, semi-consciously started singing 'Another one bites the
dust...'

Oporto dinner ftw! My Friday ritual.

--
Sent from my mobile device

hiatus

2009-08-16T23:21:00.003+10:00

At the risk of sounding like a teenieblogger: It's been a while between blog posts for me, and I thought it'd be nice to just write something.

I've changed shifts at work recently, so I'm now working afternoons/evenings. 2:45 - 9:20 pm, pretty much. There's an hour more driving than before, and an unpaid 50 min meal break in the middle. I'm finding it fairly difficult to fit uni work into a week with 10 fewer hours in it, and so far I've been failing fairly badly at it as I'm ill-disciplined at the best of times. I think I'll ask to change shifts again if something else comes up, as unlikely as that is. Please pray for me.

I felt like the tonight's visit to our church of two Malaysian brothers-in-Christ was a breath of fresh air. I hope in typical Iainish pessimism that they were more than just a spectacle to us. Those men face death for their belief in our Saviour... their enthusiasm for Christ and for His kingdom is therefore exemplary to us. It is also condemning of us if all we do is laugh at how awkward we feel that someone's yelling God's praises from up front; likewise if we are persistently skeptical about Jesus appearing to our brother. Who are we to dictate or presuppose the actions of the living God? Look, I know what I'm doing here is taking how I felt and applying it to all of us... still, I consider myself a decent judge of the vibe amongst a room full of people. Please, Barneys crew, let's let our brothers rub off on us. We will be persecuted like them one day - I'm nearly certain of it (possibly Iainish pessimism again). Learn what we can now of how to joyfully glorify Christ under persecution, and we will flounder less when it takes us by surprise.

I love you, Barneys people. It's so good to be able to hang out with you regularly again. I genuinely missed you when I was working mornings and couldn't stay around after church.

Numerous projects of mine are on hold at the moment due to work-uni difficulties. This includes my post-AnCon writings, tidying my room, learning how to play keys (as opposed to piano), getting better at bass, busting out the cello again, mowing the lawn, eating at home, Fallout 3, making phat computer music and putting my new speakers in my car. Okay, so many of these projects haven't gotten off the ground yet, but they are definitely in the pipeline, and I miss being able to do them (or at least think about the possibility). Please pray for me.

I'm still thinking through what to do next year. All ideas seem good, none stand out, and there's little time to think about it deeply. Please pray for me.

Please (anyone) let me know what I can pray for you. Praying for others confounds the Tempter, and I could really use that right now. Please make use of me.

three: get a move on

2009-07-26T15:42:00.002+10:00

“It's time to get going”

I have known for a while that I want to spend my life in God's word and getting other people into it. I have rough ideas of what that could look like. I haven't really started moving towards that. However, at the EU Science weekend away last semester, and again at AnCon, a thought lodged itself firmly in my mind: “Alright, it's time to get going.”

On one level, I have no idea where to start. It's not a natural progression from either of the things I'm doing now, so it'll take a significant change of direction. I've talked to a few people, and I'm going to talk to more, about the various options out there. And there are options out there... plenty, and well-attested-to by the people I've known who've gone through them. So, on another level, I know exactly where to start... I just have to get on with it.

The required steps to becoming a minister of the word around here seem to be as follows:
1.Be a Christian
2.Go to Year 13 or equivalent (optional)
3.Go to uni
4.Be EU President (or any other position of leadership in the EU)
5.Work for 3 years (stint in the mission field an option, for bonus points)
6.Be an EU staffworker or MTS dude/dudette
7.If you didn't get married during steps 3 to 6, do so now
8.Go to Moore College (or go to SMBC then Moore)

So far, I've got 1,3 & 4 down, leaving me on the brink of 5 and with half my time for 7 used up... Of course I'm not being entirely serious here. Really, only step 1 is compulsory. Everything else is a bonus that God will use in your ministry. In fact, I challenge you to do something you consider completely random and watch out for whether or not you end up using it for God's glory one day. I bet you will.

Even though these aren't compulsory, they do have a certain weight to them in people's eyes. They're part of what people look for in you when you mention you want to go into vocational ministry. Most of these I'm comfortable with, to varying extents, due to their aforementioned usage by God. However, I've started questioning how highly valued point 5 is. A stint of pre-ministry work was part of my original plan. I thought seriously about teaching maths, and then for a while thought seriously about driving buses for a few years. Whatever thoughts I have, they don't seem to thrill me or engage me, because I know they'd only really be a means to an end. But what, really, is the “end” I'd be trying to achieve?

If the “end” of working for a few years after uni is to know what life is like in “the real world”, then I suppose it does have some merit. I think it's even better if that time is spent getting to know and develop yourself, because the pressure of responsibility and the testing of your relationships with God and other people can be a really formative and informative experience. I'm ambivalent about the financial “end” - on the one hand, providing for yourself eases your burden on the Christian community; on the other hand, God will provide whatever you need (not want, mind you). The “end” I am beginning to disagree with strongly is that of gaining credibility with workers. Frankly, working for three years so you can tell a congregation of lifetime workers that you know what they're going through is cheap, artificial and probably more than a little self-deceptive. Yes, you may know what it's like to work, but no, you don't know what it's like for that work to be your life's work. In fact, you've tried that work thing and then found something better to do with your life. Is that kind of condescension really going to help anyone? I gather that older workers are good at seeing through façades. In general, they strongly appreciate a young person who pulls their weight in a real job, and scorn those in academia, the clergy and other so-called useless jobs. I firmly believe it'd be better to tell an older worker that you're doing Christian ministry because you love it than to tell them that you worked for a while but couldn't ignore the call to something higher. When you know the scorn's going to be there, I think it's better to accept it front-on and be open about your reasons. That way, if they still think you're wasting your life, they'll at least appreciate that you're doing it with honesty.

That said, if you do work for a few years with a good, solid reason, God will use those years and experiences somehow. I know my reason for planning to work for a few years was for credibility, but I know that's not the case for everyone. This has just been on my mind a lot lately, having changed my mind on it and all.

What do you think about working pre-ministry? I'd be keen to hear your thoughts. Basically, I'm wondering whether I really have to spend another 3 or so years doing something (anything) before getting into what I really want to do. I need wisdom... give me wisdom... Also, if you have any suggestions on how to find out if you're a good preacher, or on how to kick off a writing ministry, please send them my way.

That aside, I'm keen to get on with life in God's service, whatever that looks like. I have a lot of thought and prayer ahead of me for the decision about what to do next year and the year after in particular. But, I have decided to follow Jesus, and there will be no turning back. Though Satan send me hell and high water along the way - and he will, and he does - I belong to Jesus, and Jesus has already defeated him. So, for me, to live is Christ, and life or death will be for His glory.

Bring it.

“If you point these things out to the brothers and sisters, you will be a good minister of Christ Jesus, nourished on the truths of the faith and of the good teaching that you have followed. Have nothing to do with godless myths and old wives' tales; rather, train yourself to be godly. For physical training is of some value, but godliness has value for all things, holding promise for both the present life and the life to come. This is a trustworthy saying that deserves full acceptance. That is why we labor and strive, because we have put our hope in the living God, who is the Savior of all people, and especially of those who believe.
Command and teach these things. Don't let anyone look down on you because you are young, but set an example for the believers in speech, in conduct, in love, in faith and in purity. Until I come, devote yourself to the public reading of Scripture, to preaching and to teaching. Do not neglect your gift, which was given you through prophecy when the body of elders laid their hands on you.
Be diligent in these matters; give yourself wholly to them, so that everyone may see your progress. Watch your life and doctrine closely. Persevere in them, because if you do, you will save both yourself and your hearers.”
- 1 Timothy 4:6-16, NIV, taken from BibleGateway.com

two a: God is trinity

2009-07-19T13:15:00.000+10:00

“God is trinity - Father, Son, Spirit”

On a cold June evening I sat and thought, looking over a dam and the darkening trees. It was a good place to think, because it seemed as though everyone else was too afraid of the cold to come near. Trees, silence, sheep, the slowly-appearing stars and God.

When thinking about how the Father, Son and Spirit work together in all things, I came to understand better that the Spirit is a person, and my belief in God became more thoroughly Trinitarian. Then I thought about how I know the Father as “my Father”, and Jesus as “my Lord” (or, well, Jesus), in my thinking and prayer and stuff; but i didn't have such a name for the Spirit, even though He too is my God.

On the basis of John 14:16,17 I settled on “my Counsellor”.

Just thought I'd share that. Not really sure why.

two b: God is trinity

2009-07-18T21:57:00.002+10:00

“God is trinity - distinct in person; one in being, purpose & action”

(No, you didn't miss part a. I just think it makes sense to talk about this first.)

Rowan's second talk at AnCon focussed on the nature of God, and in particular the relationships the Holy Spirit has with the Father and the Son. Usually the Trinity is a mind-blowing thing to think about, and so it was a little surprising to be diving into this on the first day. Having to lead a review group on it on day two freaked me out more than a bit!

Despite this, I can now see that talking about the Trinity on day one was a crucial move for Rowan to make. When you're talking about one member of the Trinity, it's absolutely important to understand what you're talking about when you say “one member of the Trinity”. Better yet: it's crucially important to understand Who you're talking about. I'm thankful Rowan went there so soon, because without him doing so I think I would have misunderstood a lot of crucial points throughout the week. I think this is where everything started to make sense for me, because at this point I began to better understand who my God is.

“Trinity”... “tri-unity”... three/one... three in one... the word itself is not powerful or particularly special, but it describes how God has revealed Himself to us, and that is powerful. That is one of the most astounding truths of the gospel, and is Christianity's glorious difference. God reveals Himself to humankind just as He is, so that we can know Him - not with a shallow intellectual knowledge, but a deeply personal and intimate knowledge. We can relate to Him as He is, without guesswork and with an open invitation. We can relate to Him as trinity, knowing how He works internally, and how He interacts with us and His world.

The Trinity is distinct in person. More than just personality, mind you; the Father, the Son and the Spirit are really different from each other, and are not just different states of God's mind. And yet, the Trinity is united. They are united in being - the one God, not three Gods. They are united in purpose, working towards the same goal. And, they are united in action, working together in whatever they do. It is this last point which grabbed me, shook me and reshaped my thoughts of God before sitting me down before His feet for the rest of the week. Unity in purpose I figured I understood, or at least vaguely comprehended, but action is something entirely different.

Rowan summarised the relationships in the Trinity in this way:
- The Father sends the Son through the Spirit
- The Father sends the Spirit through the Son
- The Father is glorified by the Son and the Spirit
So, for example, the Father set up Jesus' incarnation by the Spirit making Mary pregnant. Then, after His earthly ministry, Jesus asks the Father to send the Spirit to His disciples. The Spirit then works through the message and miracles of the disciples to glorify Jesus, whom they proclaim; and Jesus' glory is the glory of the Father (John 17:1). This illustrates both the unity in purpose and the unity in action that the Trinity has.

One way I've found quite helpful to think about the Trinity in the past is as God, Word and Breath, picking up on the name John uses for Jesus at the start of his gospel, and on another literal meaning of the Hebrew word translated as “spirit” in our bibles. I doubt this is the most helpful way to think about God, as it's easy to downplay the personhood of the Word and the Breath, but I think the concrete imagery it gives have been helpful to me. Thinking about it this way, you could rewrite Rowan's summary like this:
- God sends his Word through his Breath (speaking requires breathing)
- God sends out his Breath because of his Word (words need a conduit to be communicative)
- God is glorified by what his Word and Breath accomplish
Now as I said, I don't think this is the most helpful way to think about God, particularly since Jesus is fully human, as well as fully God. You do also have to keep in mind that God is spirit, not flesh, and that applying human features to God is, at best, analogous. However, John does call Jesus the Word at the start of his gospel, as I already mentioned, and I think John 1 is the passage that has helped me the most when it comes to understanding that Jesus is fully God. Thinking about God in this way makes sense of a lot of the Old Testament, and helps you to see the Trinity at work together before Jesus' incarnation. With this framework, the work of creation is instantly recognisable as the work of the Trinity. The Breath hovered over the surface of the unformed earth as God was there, imagining His creation-to-be; then He spoke, filling his Breath with the Word of his command, and through that Word “all things were made” (John 1:3). Also, think of God's prophets. The phrase “The word of the LORD came to [so-and-so]” is frequently found at the beginning of a prophecy in the OT, and as Rowan pointed out in Zechariah 7:12, these were “the words that the LORD Almighty had sent by his Spirit” - his Breath. God's Breath, his Spirit with them, enabled the prophets to proclaim the Word. The Word of God never goes out into the world without his Breath to carry it. I think this can be helpful for thinking about how the members of the Trinity work together; however, it could be dangerous to your understanding that they are each a distinct and real person. If any of this is heretical I demand that you correct me.

I don't think I'll ever look at God's work the same way again. Everything God has ever done, and ever will do, is the work of the Father, the Son and the Spirit. I think it's reassuring to know that God is unified in His actions as well as His overall purpose. It means that Jesus' crucifixion wasn't an unjust punishment, but an act of love and victory on Jesus' part as well. Even my own sanctification is a Trinitarian work: the Father loves me and adopted me; Jesus died and rose again for me; the Spirit teaches me from the Word as He conforms me to His likeness, and gives me gifts with which to glorify Jesus - my King, my redeemer and my example. The love of the Father, the word of the Son and the power of the Spirit are at work in every believer, and consequently in every believing church. Among other things, I find it reassuring to know that the Spirit hasn't abandoned the Anglican church. He is still with us yet (well, many of us), and as long as we follow Christ He will remain, for He works alongside the Father and the Son for our good and the Father's glory. I might touch on that more in other posts.

I'm certain I haven't done this justice... but that was never going to happen. This is something that I'll be trying to understand for the rest of my life. However, I think I know my God a little better now, and for that I'm glad.

"Jesus returned to Galilee in the power of the Spirit, and news about him spread through the whole countryside. He taught in their synagogues, and everyone praised him. He went to Nazareth, where he had been brought up, and on the Sabbath day he went into the synagogue, as was his custom. And he stood up to read. The scroll of the prophet Isaiah was handed to him. Unrolling it, he found the place where it is written:
'The Spirit of the Lord is on me,
because he has anointed me
to preach good news to the poor.
He has sent me to proclaim freedom for the prisoners
and recovery of sight for the blind,
to release the oppressed,
to proclaim the year of the Lord's favor.'
Then he rolled up the scroll, gave it back to the attendant and sat down. The eyes of everyone in the synagogue were fastened on him, and he began by saying to them, 'Today this scripture is fulfilled in your hearing.'"
- Luke 4:14-21, NIV, taken from BibleGateway.com

(Note: Do not watch The Matrix or any of its sequels while trying to write anything on the Trinity.)

one: spiritual maturity vs. marriage

2009-07-09T14:00:00.002+10:00

“Spiritual maturity is more important than marriage.”

This really isn't where I wanted to start this review. I feel like I'm always talking about relationships, and it does wear thin... but this is different. This is not something that came from Rowan's or Steve's talks, and nor did it come from reading the Bible or praying while at AnCon. Well, not directly anyway. It's a conclusion I drew after watching the way I was thinking. It's a conclusion that is so markedly different from my normal way of thinking that it stuck with me as solidly as any of the great truths that were expounded to us. It's the first thing I wrote down on my whiteboard, so I'm going to write about it first here.

The thoughts in question went something like this:

“Hmmm... that [name removed]... she's a nice girl... Oh come on man! Stop it. There are more important things to think about.”

I guess, on reflection, this is more of an indication of how highly I valued what God was teaching me about Himself and myself at the time. Everything I learnt at AnCon both fit with what I already knew about God and made sense of the same, such that I found myself almost completely unconfused by the end. Now, I know what AnCon's like. This was my sixth. It should have been like wading through intellectual mud by Thursday at the latest, but it wasn't. As if that wasn't the work of the Spirit... I'm an Anglican for goodness sake! The Spirit should make no sense to me! Praise God that He cares more about teaching His children than about nurturing stereotypes. I love that the Teacher taught me last week, and I know that I wasn't the only one - for at least three days afterwards facebook was full of “I'm sick, but God changed my life”. God be praised!

Anyhow, from these thoughts I did come to the conclusion that to work on spiritual maturity is more valuable than to find a wife (or husband, if you're a girl, which I'm not). Jesus died for me and His Spirit is sanctifying me while leading me towards His rest. If the search for a wife (or husband) is inspired by the desire for love, then surely His love eclipses any you could ever find. The older you get and the more you watch yourself live life, the more you realise you're completely unworthy for that kind of love. You might expect affection from an equal, or even chase it in someone you think is slightly above your par, but God... no. His love is unwarranted, un-looked-for, unbounded and oh so rich.

It's the thought of sanctification that really gets me: that God would take of His righteousness and wisdom and give it to me as we walk together, rather than just dragging me along behind him through the dust. I think I remember someone once saying that God loves us just the way we are, but He loves us too much to leave us that way. That's a seriously sweet deal for us. I was taught piano by a master pianist, and it was good. To be taught life and holiness by the Master of everything... priceless. As if you wouldn't want that more than anything. I certainly want to make better use of His teaching than I do of my piano lessons.

I do feel like I need to put a good word in for marriage (well, you know, insofar as any single guy can). My pastor preached from Ephesians 5 on Sunday, emphasising how the marriage relationship mirrors the relationship between Jesus and the church. Using Genesis 2, he described to us how it's not a begrudged union, but that Jesus takes extatic delight in His bride, much like Adam did with Eve. The ability to mirror that, and to be (as it were) a small scale edification and delight factory, is a definite plus for marriage. My daily routine of listening to a radio devotional at 4am while trying to wake up for work also led me to hear some good things this week: Firstly, that a man's spiritual maturity is crucially important for the good of his family - this was challenging to hear, even as a single guy. Secondly, that parents are better parents when they live first as husband and wife, and second as father and mother, since (i hypothesise here... what do you think?) they are drawing on the example of Christ's relationship with the church, rather than that of their own fallen parents. Also, I have heard someone say that having children is the easiest way to make new Christians... and i have to admit that sounds kinda fun. Anyway, I feel as though God was trying to reign in my thoughts on marriage a little, and remind me that it is actually a good thing (1 Timothy 4:3) and that I shouldn't throw the baby out with the bathwater. It's a good thing, and yet it's not the best thing. The best one to seek after when you're single is still Jesus, not Wifey Dear. Marriage can supplement what Jesus gives, but Jesus gives all you need.

So, with the greatest love ever and the promise of sanctification, surely spiritual maturity is the more valuable goal for a young Christian guy to set his heart on. True, a life lived in Christ may include marriage, but only as a temporary perk of the job (if at all). The real goal is, as the Westminster Chatechism puts it, “to glorify God, and to enjoy Him forever”. Next time you talk to a single Christian guy/girl, please try to follow this principle: Instead of asking them how they're coping with their gift of singleness, or asking whether they're meeting lots of other lovely young people, or subtlely dropping hints about Betty/Fred, that new girl/guy at church who you think is also single... instead of this, ask them how they're going at living for Christ, at glorifying God in their life and at keeping in step with the Spirit. Seek their eternal good, and let God satisfy their other desires as He chooses.

“But whatever was to my profit I now consider loss for the sake of Christ. What is more, I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them rubbish, that I may gain Christ and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which is through faith in Christ—the righteousness that comes from God and is by faith. I want to know Christ and the power of his resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, and so, somehow, to attain to the resurrection from the dead.”
- Philippians 3:7-11, NIV, taken from BibleGateway.com

post-ancon thoughts

2009-07-07T20:21:00.005+10:00

This is a picture of the start of my EU Annual Conference material review - a landmark event appropriate for a life-changing week. As I told my review group (8 was great!), I've never actually gone over any AnCon material at home, even though I think I've intended to each of the 5 years previous. Though this whiteboard full of thoughts is not exactly the AnCon material, it represents fairly accurately what I brought away from AnCon (I say "fairly" because I know there's one I've forgotten already!). My intention is to explore each of these thoughts, one by one, post by post - not only to describe some of what we learnt at AnCon, or to help you think some of it through yourself, but to make myself publicly accountable for thinking through each of these thoughts more thoroughly. Maybe God will even jog my memory about the one(s) I've forgotten as I go!

Here are the thoughts, in order of pondering:

1. Spiritual maturity is more important than marriage
2.a. God is Trinity - Father, Son, Spirit - reflection on personal names
2.b. God is Trinity - distinct in person, one in being, purpose and action
3. It's time to get going
4.a. Do not be afraid of Satan - the One in me is greater than him
4.b. Do not be afraid of Satan - evil is already pwned!
5. The One whose presence filled the temple such that nobody could enter has taken up residence in me
6. Where the Spirit of Christ is, there is freedom
7. The Spirit gives gifts to build Christ's body; eagerly desire them out of love for your brothers
8. Reading the Bible gives the Spirit material to work with when reminding you of Christ's words
9. Sin deserves only extreme Spirit-ual prejudice (and prejudice is definitionally a matter of foresight, not hindsight)
10. Revival starts at home
11. (just thought of this) The best worship songs start at God.
12. (EDIT - added later) The Spirit's work is fairly ordinary-looking

That's just the order I wrote them down in. I may not write posts on them in that order, but I do promise to write posts on them all, along with any further thoughts I've forgotten (or which come to mind and seem important and relevant enough). It's a substantial goal, but I'm not too phased by that - I have two and a half weeks left with nothing do to but drive flu-incubating flesh wagons.

Please feel free to question, clarify, correct, rebuke, encourage, explain or direct. I am not perfect, and you'll be helping me out if you do so.

in the cold air of june

2009-06-12T04:23:00.002+10:00

In the cold air of June we walked to the door,
Where inside lay Dad; where he'd walk out no more.
God took him home and gave him the rest
His kidneys had begged for, thirty years at best.
Nothing prepares you for death, not when you
Are fourteen and haven't yet found out the truth
Of the words in that funny old parking lot song:
“You don't know what you've got 'til it's gone”.

In the cold air of June God showed us His care:
His children were loving us, just being there;
The funeral saw them a few hundred strong
Singing praises to God as we sent that saint on.
I've forgotten the hymn that we sang at the last,
But each one that's like it, as I sing I ask,
“Is this that old hymn whose sage words released
The flood of hot tears for that precious life ceased?”

In the cold air of June I make my way home,
Ten years of life older, and bearing a tome
Of experience; as yet an incomplete script,
But a book of God's writing 'bout a soldier equipped
With the shield of his mother: “God works all for good”;
With a quiver of comrades, among whom he's stood,
And marvelled at, cried at, sang and proclaimed
The glory of God and the power of His Name.

In the cold air of June I cannot deny
That this time of year is the time when I cry,
But nor can I ever be silent upon
The great pow'r of God in the life of His sons.
I make my way home from a party for life,
Thanking God for my own, the blessing and strife,
For His mighty hand leads me; His mighty heart loves;
I have life, I have hope, and my Father above.

-- Iain Hart

suggestion

2009-05-25T20:39:00.001+10:00

Have you ever wandered around aimlessly in the Fisher Stack while listening to Radiohead?

I highly recommend it.

buzz

2009-05-20T17:19:00.003+10:00

It's not often these days that I'll use my blog just to brag about feeling good... but man, walking home in the rain today made be buzz even more than I was. I felt alive, and man it felt good.

I think a couple of reasons for feeling so good were that I was also listening to Street Spirit (Fade Out) by Radiohead, from The Bends (which I have decided is an incredible album), while walking home; also, I had the thought of a melancholic demeanour being "a fearful gift" going through my head courtesy of a quote in the book I'm reading, "Lincoln's Melancholy". The rain, the song, the quote all made me realise something - the sickening, smothering blackness that has been my involuntary reaction to life's curveballs can be a blessing rich, perilous, beautiful and powerful. Praise God, that was freeing.

I'm going to go and cook pasta with sauce and cheese and enjoy the heck out of it.

wait for me

2009-05-12T23:09:00.005+10:00

Somewhere over future's sea
I imagine that you wait for me,
Sifting through your thoughts on men,
Waiting for just one of them
Who rocks a little more than others,
Smells like safety, likes your mother,
Looks a little like Brad Pitt
(but isn't quite as full of it),
To come along and win your heart,
And make your dearest dreams to start.
Oh wondrous love, the sweetest bliss,
The prettiest rose, the tend'rest kiss,
The foulest sadness when he leaves
And says it wasn't meant to be.
Bastard. But hey, now he's gone,
You're left feeling all alone,
And I'm a sort of decent guy,
Who'd love to take his turn to try
To tell you that you're pretty sweet,
And that I think you're kinda neat.
I reckon you might think it's cool
To try to like a crazy fool,
So we could date (and keep things wholesome)
And see if us two could be awesome.
That's what I imagine, sweet,
About the way that we would meet,
It prob'ly won't be quite like that,
But come whatever, you'll be rad.

--I

light

2009-04-30T12:03:00.003+10:00

Light, you have been hidden for too long,
Kept alight but burning bright to none,
Pris'ner of my fear and wanton pride,
Scolding as my heart you scald inside.
Be free. I will have you no more hid.
Bear your witness to what Jesus did;
Through my hands, my words, my feet, my scars,
Tell the world of God's bright Morning Star.

-- Iain Hart

old times

2009-04-16T16:58:00.002+10:00

I dug this up today. Wrote it back in 2006 while walking home from uni.

When weary feet despair to tread,
And each bright day has darkness fed,
When tired eyes would see no more,
And burdened hands can catch no fall,
Know then that God hath sent the rain
To wash away the pain.
-- Iain

be excited... or not

2009-03-24T04:00:00.008+11:00

I loved coming back to uni and the EU at the start of this year. It felt like home. Somehow though, something had given me more clarity into a niggling annoyance I've had with the EU, and now I actually know what it is.

I really HATE being told to "be excited".

In all seriousness, what comes to my mind when I'm told to be excited is not "okay then". It's not even "No". It's something more akin to "F*** off". I REALLY don't like it. I'm not sure exactly why, but hopefully I can work some of it out here.

First reason: it's false.
If I'm not already excited about something, and if you don't convince me of something's worth by explaining its virtues, then for me to comply with your exhortation I have to lie.

Second reason: it's unnatural.
Individuals all react differently to, and feel differently about, the same things. Inasmuch as we're a community of believers and inextricably bound to each other with Christ's blood, each believer is an individual. It's not necessarily an unhealthy thing - we all are born and die alone, in the sense that we're (usually) the only one experiencing that moment. Likewise, the myriad of other moments we experience in life we experience in our own ways, with the mind, body and emotions God made us with. For some people, excitement is not really what they do, even though for others it's their perpetuity.

Third reason: it looks weird.
If anyone who isn't part of the Christian community, or even part of a different Christian community, notices any kind of unnatural feel to our excitement, there goes whatever reputation we had for authenticity. Also, it looks plastic fantastic, as though we have our heads in the clouds and can't see the crap in the world. Nobody likes plastic fantastic Christians, not even other Christians.

Fourth reason: it's assumptive.
To tell someone what to be excited about, you first have to assume two things: a) that they are unable to become excited about good things on their own, and b) the thing you're promoting is good. The first thing is rarely true - God made us pretty awesome, and in general we react to things appropriately. The second, unfortunately, is by no means a safe assumption to make, no matter how much work has gone into it. If something relies on excitement to be successful, it's either not really all that inherently effective, or it'll work a whole heap better with naturally-grown and authentic excitement. Not everything needs people to be excited about it for it to work. If that were the case, the Anglican church would be a bible study in some small house in Canterbury, and the divorce rate would be one for one.

Fifth reason: it's not what Jesus did.
I'm generally not a fan of common Christian practices or mindsets that Jesus didn't start. They tend to be a little baseless. Jesus didn't tell his disciples to be excited about his ministry, but everybody was (one way or the other :oP). We're supposedly carrying on His ministry. Why do we feel as though we need to tell people to be excited? Do we fear a lack of substance? Maybe we're looking for substance in the wrong place.

Sixth reason: see my post entitled "what should I write...?" and apply it to the simple paraphrase "you should be excited about this thing".

I don't actually think that the EU is the only organisation doing this - I'm pretty sure it's a fairly universal thing for Christians around Sydney. I love the EU, and my church, and my brothers and sisters in other churches, but I think this is ugly, and that there's gotta be a better, less irritating way to be effective Christians... whatever that means. Grace and the power of the Spirit, anyone?

apologies

2009-03-22T00:56:00.002+11:00

Sorry, ladies.

I'm afraid I can't live up to a vampire.

My skin doesn't glitter in the sunlight.
I may be well-spoken sometimes, but it's too rare to be cute.
I can't carry you on my back into the treetops to converse.
And, truth be told, I've only been waiting 24 years for you.

Poor effort, I know. You'd probably best look elsewhere.

what should i write...?

2009-03-18T21:41:00.012+11:00

What should I write? Should I even write anything right now? Shouldn't I go to bed? This shouldn't really be a question for me, given how late it is. I should really be asleep by now... but then, I should write this while I'm still thinking of it. So where should I start...?

Count how many times I used the word "should" or "shouldn't" in that last paragraph, and then compare it with how many of these uses felt unnatural. How natural did that last paragraph feel as you read it? I think it sounds like something I could actually write... and yet, I've used the word "should" at least once in every sentence.

Who cares? Well, I do. When undergoing cognitive behavioral therapy for depression, I was taught about numerous distortions that come up in thought patterns which are unhelpful for your mood (and thus, in various ways, for your wellbeing). One of these was the use of the word "should". You see, this little word and those related to it (shouldn't, ought, could...but, etc.) appear innocuous enough, but they express a dangerous belief in an oversimplified term. You have judged yourself (or someone else) and found yourself (or them) wanting, according to some ideal you have in mind - an ideal that can only be reached with some change of self or circumstance - and so you believe yourself (or them) the worse for it, at least until something changes. This is all very well for things like, "I should buy this CD," but it becomes a self-compounding mess when your thought is, "I should tidy my awfully messy room," or "I should love you," or "I should be happy." You can end up so low at the thought of just how far short you fall of your ideal, that to begin to contemplate change brings nothing but agony and guilt.

Learning about how much this kind of thought can trap you in a downward cycle, I was amazed when I started to see everyone around me using this word so much. These thoughts are commonplace; this word is commonplace, and the thoughts that go behind it are the same for all. These thoughts affect some more than others, but they do affect us all negatively. Don't you feel trapped when you say you should do something? Doesn't that thing bind you, hold you, make everything else seem further off? Doesn't the way you should be make you feel a little disappointed about the way you are now? Doesn't chasing down the person you should be wear you out? I bet I'm not alone in this.

If this is a universal habit, and is negatively affecting us all, why not let it go? Fixing this pattern of thought is part of a mental health treatment plan. The official statistics about mental illness say that 1 in 5 people in Australia have a mental illness of some kind, but mental illnesses are often aggravated by societal habits such as this and I'd be willing to bet there are many non-reported cases. I think collectively changing this thought pattern would help us all.

Furthermore, there's one place in particular where I think this thought pattern has no place: the church. While it's true that we Christians know that we're not perfect, and that we are to be holy as God is holy, this is God's judgment and not our own - and He really knows the extent to which we're unholy, even when we fool ourselves. Yet, knowing this, He doesn't say to you, "You should be holy," but instead, "Be holy." It's a command, and it spurs you forward. It doesn't dwell on the negativity of where you are now, but instead simply sets a goal before you and says, "Get there." He does likewise in calling us to love Him, to repent, to run the race set before us, to love one another as Christ loved us, and so on. Even He, who alone is worthy to pass judgment on anyone, doesn't even use this turn of phrase. Why do we use it amongst ourselves, His people?

We are those whose love for each other is one of God's principal signs to the entire world. With a frame of mind like this, though, we might as well be stabbing ourselves in the foot before we leave our bedrooms of a morning. That kind of self-mutilation would be a more obvious but no less inhibitive way to create a holy army of the walking wounded. One of the hardest things to do as a depressed person is to think outside of yourself. Usually this manifests itself in hopelessness, in believing the future's necessarily bleak, but it also plays out in being unattuned to the needs of those around you (remember, as you read this, that it's an illness and not a deliberate state of character). Being unaware of the needs of those around you makes it really hard to love them. In this way, depression and related illnesses can hurt the church as well as the people sick with it, so it would seem to make sense to heal it... or do we want to make life hard for ourselves? There's no righteousness to be gained from beating ourselves up or trapping ourselves in little mental cages, even if we don't have depression. Christian righteousness doesn't work that way - it's a gift, and it's a process God's in control of.

Let go the delusion that you can help yourself by mentally backing yourself into a corner, or that your brothers and sisters can be spurred on by even the most eloquently worded of judgments on their current state. Put your thoughts and words to more effective use by praying for healing for the minds of the church, and by praying for patience when you're frustrated at not being perfect yet (or at someone else not being perfect yet). Look at yourself with sober judgment - neither haughty nor falsely humble. Open your eyes to the reality of our situation: depraved, but saved, and slowly but surely sanctified by God, our Father, who loves us each dearly. Ditch the self-spun guilt. It's an unseemly garland about your neck, Christian.

waking hours

2009-03-01T23:59:00.002+11:00

Hallelujah! What a Saviour!

God is awesome. No matter how hard I try, I still can't get my head around the fact that the most powerful and glorious act in the history of the universe was also the most humble and weak. This simply amazes me. What a man. What a God. What love and faithfulness! And what a call it is to be like Him. How could I ever be? How could I ever be a Christ-like man? How could I ever be a husband who gives himself up for his wife like Christ did for the church? How could I ever be so lovingly humble? What a call.

In other news, I'm awake and it's past midnight. Well, I'm awake and haven't slept yet. I've called in "sick" for tomorrow, so if something happens to you on a bus tomorrow morning it won't be because I slept while I was too tired. I lay awake for a while wondering if I really wanted to lose the day's pay, but the lives of up to 70 people at a time are worth far more than that money. I guess having to make a decision like that means I must be some kind of adult now hey.

disappointment

2009-02-24T03:52:00.002+11:00

Nothing makes me want to scream in frustration like the thought of what might have been.

...well, more accurately, the thought of how things are now compared to how I once thought they could be.

The most surprising of these to me... it happened exactly how I thought it would. I didn't want it to happen, but I knew that it would, and after four and a half years I still don't know how to feel about it.

I suppose, all told, this is just what it's like to be disappointed in life... and that's going to happen more, about as surely as the sun's going to come up. If it doesn't, it means Jesus is back. I know that how I deal with it will determine a great deal of how I turn out as a person, and that I'm in God's hands and being moulded in that regard. Even so, my instinctive reaction is still to scream, and it stops me from sleeping.

wedding

2009-02-21T01:10:00.003+11:00

So I was playing Fallout 3 and I got two people to get married. I gave the daughter of the galley cook in Rivet City some ant pheromones so she could seduce the acolyte at the local church who she was keen on. Weird, and wrong, i know, but hey. They got married with everyone there, and it was kinda nice. However, my absolute favourite part of the whole thing is how, at the ceremony, she was carrying a big freaking knife in her right hand.

I love weddings.

On a completely unrelated note, Rage is weird. I genuinely mean that. I just found myself staring at it open-mouthed in disbelief of the weirdness.

not 25 things

2009-02-06T21:38:00.004+11:00

I feel slightly compelled to ask why everyone is taking up the 25 random things in a note challenge. It's not that I'm confused as to why people would do such a thing - on the contrary, I've blogged for years with the motivation that at least someone in the world would know what's in my head. That part I understand, though I do wonder at its legitimacy. What I wonder about now is the timing and the magnitude. Why now? Why so many? Is there a more profound reason than that it's fun?

back

2009-01-27T13:26:00.003+11:00

I'm back at uni right now, just for a bit. No classes of course, just the sandstone and the rain.

I love this place, but I can only assume that in feeling this way I'm suffering from some kind of Stockholm Syndrome. It hasn't been an easy five years, but I can't say I'd rather have spent them anywhere else. My captor has soothed me with old paper and stone, offered me thoughts to sate my curiosities, and tied me up with 5 years of debt that would be useless if I left now.

Sometimes I wish I was potential Ph.D. material. Sometimes... when everything else in life seems even more torturous and less well-defined.

denied

2009-01-27T04:07:00.002+11:00

"We're not letting you in. For now." --Facebook

Odd. And possibly not the greatest website error message from a PR viewpoint.

bogart

2009-01-17T15:29:00.004+11:00

Too long, world.

At this very moment I'm watching a black and white Humphrey Bogart movie with the sound right down and Pyramid Song by Radiohead playing over the top. Thom Yorke sings "It was nothing to fear, nothing at all" and Bogart kisses the dame. The music builds momentum, tensions build and Bogart drives off... no, I can't describe this well enough. Do it yourself.

It's been a while since I've written much, and I've had the urge for a few days. It's a bit challenging to type at the moment, coz I've only got the use of one of my little fingers. The finger I normally use for the Shift key was taken out of action on Thursday in a commando roll incident. Something stabbed into it mid-roll, which I promptly removed and threw away before ascertaining the nature of it, but not before some kind of toxin was introduced to my gentle white city boy flesh. It's now swollen, pink and bandaged; I'm taking antibiotics and have had a tetanus shot. All from one stinking poorly-executed commando roll.

Wow, a silhouette leaves an injured man in an alleyway as You and Whose Army? draws to a close.

I'm a day's work away from driving buses unsupervised. With my as-yet-limited experience, I have a few words for the general public:
1. Don't drive like a n00b.
2. Don't play chicken with me - you really don't want to lose.
3. Be nice, because it will come back to you and make your day just that little bit nicer :o)
4. If I can hear your iPod from the driver's seat, I will probably laugh at you, though you won't hear it because you're too busy killing your ears.

Hmm... I wonder if anyone who's studied sociology could help me out here. Is it true that we all have equal potential in this society, or is that a myth invented by the upper class and taught to us in school to appease their collective conscience? And from whence comes the sense of difference between classes?

I have decided that prejudice is counter-productive. It certaintly doesn't do me any good to be prejudiced at work, but nor does it help me do my job when I encounter the prejudices of another directed at my uniform. And that's not even taking into consideration the affect of these things on others.

People died weirdly in black and white.

marketing brilliance

2009-01-06T05:02:00.002+11:00

Newsflash: I now have a coffee-flavoured computer.

This is an AMAZING potential product. Not only could geeks get their caffeine fix with a simple lick, but it would fill any room with the unmistakeable scent of warm homeliness. A must-buy for the caffeine addict and the discerning real estate agent seeking to add the finishing touch to any house inspection.

Simple to produce: just cough while drinking coffee in front of any normal PC.

I want royalties.

in the other room

2009-01-02T23:04:00.004+11:00

Crazy noises:
Guitar, eagles, guns and questions.
Heartbeats, silences, screams and beeps,
Bracketed by plastic music.
fun
empty

All I want to do is write
but I cannot.
Not because of the cacophony.
At least,
not because of the one outside.

To write is to soar,
freer than an eagle,
on thermals high above consciousness;
To take a breath and paint
thoughts as words
before your eyes.
To see with your mind
then speak with your hands.
To create worlds of words;
to pronounce judgment with sentences;
to evince what you desire.

To write would be freedom,
But a stream of consciousness
is all I can muster.
True beauty is wrought of control,
of the deft motions of an artisan's hands
and not of wanton release.
I aspire to gracefulness in words,
to create worlds of my own,
to see sweet black on marvellous white
unfolding the myriad colours of imagination -
my imagination -
before me.

bond

2008-12-23T18:55:00.002+11:00

I saw "Quantum of Solace" today. I had heard mixed reports about it - everything from "It was really good" to "It has no plot". So, I sincerely hoped as I went that I would not be sorely disappointed. I was not.

I suspect that most of the disappointment with this movie is due to its breaking with the Bond tradition in one notable way: it is a sequel. None of those in the last decade and a half (the limit of my Bond experiences) have been a sequel, and I don't believe I've heard of any others (correct me if I'm wrong). However, "Quantum of Solace" can only be viewed as a sequel - it is the natural progression of the plot present in "Casino Royale". If viewed on its own, it would be completely unsatisfying. However, remembering "Casino Royale", I found it to be a thorough, enjoyable and satisfying sequel - possibly one of the best sequels I've ever seen. Unless there was an immense plot deficiency in the part I missed when I had a bathroom break, I think the negative commentary I have heard is unfounded, and I recommend you watch it - but only if you have seen "Casino Royale" first.

homicidal food

2008-12-22T18:40:00.002+11:00

I saw a frightening sight in Coles today. Five shelves of yoghurt all telling me to die. "Die, die, die..."

Two steps later I realised I was looking at all the "Diet" yoghurt from a surprisingly threatening angle.

They're always telling us that artificial sweeteners will kill us, but I'm pretty sure that's not what they meant.

predominant

2008-12-21T10:13:00.003+11:00

I have a question to those of you who are employed:

How long did it take before your work stopped being all you thought about?

I'm already frustrated about how much I talk about it, but it's also frustrating to wake up thinking about it. How long does it take to settle down into something you can safely ignore when you're not there?

Also, happy Christmas to all of you! :o)

self-reflection

2008-11-19T00:32:00.003+11:00

"Iain thinks in facebook statuses."

This thought came to me today, after two "Iain is..." statements flashed through my head in a bizarre form of dialogue. I realised then that facebook is actually quite effective at making one think about how they are at any point in time, if that one frequently changes their status. I think this effect is heightened when that one tries to use creativity in their status formulation, since they look around them and into their deeper-than-surface thoughts for material. I'm fascinated by this... it seems relatively innocuous, but over time it has changed how I think. For better or worse, creating a single line of text in the third person at various times in the day has changed how I perceive the world. I don't know whether to be amused or scared... probably both!

In other news, my room echoes when I sniff.

I really enjoyed my time out of the city... I was so relaxed. I was relatively calm [no tired fingers, not clam, calm], happy, and pensive. I even bought myself a little holiday project - an instrument cluster for my car that has a tachometer! Woo! (it's really the automotive equivalent of an oscilloscope on a stereo - it tells you stuff you like to know but don't need to know - meh). I'm going to fit it sometime later this week, once I've figured out how to make the odometer reading match the one in my car so it's all legal and stuff. But yes, calm. I was able to think; this has escaped me over the last few weeks. I don't mean process, I mean think - the kind of thinking one does when one is washing the dishes and just feels like letting their mind frolick for a while. My mind has done some frolicking these last two days, and it's been great.

Also, there is nothing like the bush. I love it. I love that I could sit atop a mountain that sits above a freeway, seeing that freeway dwarfed and insignificant when compared to the vast forested hills and valleys beyond it. Green to grey to black of night... all beautiful.

I was also struck, walking back down the mountain in the dark, with the thought that I am technically a predator. Only in definition, I decided - though we sit atop the food chain, the majority of us have never even had to grow or kill our own food. Food could look me in the face and I'd pat it's head, unless it tried to eat me and then I'd probably run away. Some predator I am.

EDIT: I'm going to Club Veg!!! :oD

slow learners

2008-11-14T18:11:00.004+11:00

I found myself wondering today why, after over 200 years of European presence here, we're still using so many European methods. We seem to forget that this country gets very, very hot. We use so many dark colours, we use so much water and recover so little, we don't make use of natural air flow, we dress in suits and ties, and we don't seem to expect the fires that the bush needs. We're pretty much living in a desert, using methods developed in one of the soggiest corners of the earth. I just don't think we've adapted to it very well!

P.S. For some reason I really enjoyed the south-west Sydney heat today. It's dry heat, not sticky. Nice.

P.P.S. I totally smurfed my MR knowledge test today, praise God! Next step: Induction!

second guessing

2008-11-09T15:58:00.002+11:00

Something else I aways do is to second-guess the diagnoses of medical professionals.

As an example. I once went to an after-hours GP and was diagnosed with an outer ear infection. I looked it up and disagreed, seeing that my symptoms more closely matched a middle ear infection. My regular GP agreed and I got fixed up good.

Right now, I'm seriously doubting my need for glasses at all. I'm sitting in front of my computer with a bandana (spelling?) tied around my head covering my left eye, giving my right eye a bit of a chance to work. Apart from all the garbage my half-closed left eye is giving my visual cortex right now (funky patters... kinda looks like swarming bacteria), I can actually see letters on my computer's screen clearly. Much better than a few days ago, and no glasses.

Think I'm gonna have a word with my optometrist. First, though, I have to finish this darned essay.

outcomes

2008-11-09T02:33:00.003+11:00

I always hypothesise the outcomes of hypothetical conversations.

These conversations aren't very far removed from possibility. Most of them are, in fact, fairly plausible, though I think that over the course of my life (and I have noticed myself doing this for many years), there might have been one time when something I'd hypothesised actually happened. For the most part, they depend on one particular event, or one particular turn in conversation, which is often quite contrived and dependent upon the clear expression of what is going on in my deepest thoughts... a rare occurrence. So at best, these hypotheticals show either what I would like to happen, or what I expect to happen.

When I hypothesise the outcome, it's equally telling. It shows what I want, or what I expect, and generally how much I want or expect it. Often there isn't even a set outcome, but just a sense of it. Whatever the case, it sets forth my feelings before my psyche with false tangibility. This sense of tangibility of the outcome of a conversation actually affects me. It can make me unreasonably angry, or it can make me unjustifiably hopeful. Either way gets me into trouble.

Hypothesised outcomes are hell to deal with when you're working with a limited emotional overhead.

To what extent is the "I'm not here, this isn't happening" approach a rational one? I know it's exceptionally hard to justify, but it's also somewhat instinctive. While the nature of a thing doesn't justify it, I still feel compelled to ask this question as I try to distinguish between healthy emotion and destructive self-pity.

More questions playing heavily on my mind: When did I get so short a fuse? How long is this foul temper going to last? And what can I do about it? What on earth can I possibly do about it? Is there any way I can avoid the hypothetically-concocted outcome?

cello

2008-11-07T00:42:00.004+11:00

I saw my cello for the first time in a very long time tonight. It normally sits in the corner of the room in its case, but I opened the case to show my housemate. It only made me want to play it again even more. I'll have to give it a play these holidays, and see if I learn to play it functionally or something.

There are a lot of things I want to do over these holidays - I'm expecting it to be quite an exhausting time. If you notice me spending all my available time watching TV or playing computer games, please reprimand me. I don't want my life to be dominated by these things.

I'd really like to make some music.

Oh, and I'm about to become a fully-fledged academic - I'm getting reading glasses.

And in completely unrelated news, I'm still getting used to the fact that most of the people I hang out with are younger than my little sister! It's basically an unexpected and yet not entirely unpleasant redefinition of the word "peer". Man, it's going to feel weird when I finally find my feet in the world.

nationalism

2008-11-05T16:17:00.002+11:00

Australia: "We are one, but we are many..."

America: "Though we are many, we are one..."

distraction

2008-10-26T14:53:00.002+11:00

One early criticism of French opera, and indeed opera in general, came from a man named Charles de Marguetel de Saint-Denis, who was Seigneur de Saint-Evremond back at about the turn of the 18th century. In a letter to the Duke of Buckingham he made quite clear his distaste of opera and its musicality. In light of the very rich history of French theatre, he said that the musicality of opera served only to occupy the senses, drawing attention away from the lack of occupation of the mind, since the poetry was so poorly contrived as to take away from the representation of the plot.

I just realised, while studying Latin American culture while listening to music, that I'm using music for exactly that purpose. I'm listening to music in the hope that at least a small part of me will be even slightly interested in something.

rediscovery

2008-10-25T01:49:00.003+11:00

I've been listening to a lot of Coldplay lately. It's been inspired by the need to do a presentation for my Music and Politics course at uni, but it's resulted in me finding again just how much I like this band. I'm particularly getting wrapped up in the latest album, "Viva la Vida or Death and All His Friends". Weird name, I know, but the band just really seems to have taken up once again the challenge of pushing their own boundaries and not being satisfied with doing the same old stuff. It's a rich album that I've had to grow to like - it's largely different to any of the music from their first three albums, and the songs are pretty much quite different from each other. I would liken it to an art gallery with paintings by different artists in different styles, rather than a gallery of one artist's work. But anyway, I'm enjoying the experience, and of course it's not just the new stuff which I love. I still remember how awed I was when I first heard "Shiver". That is a great song.

Could anyone provide be with the reason so many people dislike Coldplay?

Music is my solace at the moment. The rest of life is hard. I think adulthood is staring me in the face and daring me to stare it back down, and I'm not sure I have the strength yet. I still feel as though I'm a boy playing grown-ups with my friends, and I laugh at myself inwardly for taking everything so seriously. The thing is, food matters. Having a roof overhead every night is no game. Being polite and loving actually affects how life plays out. Sitting around studying the Bible has eternal ramifications. Organising a uni Christian group affects people's lives both now and forever. Part of me feels the weight of these things, but part of me is rejecting this knowledge as though it was a splinter under the skin of my psyche, and so I am feeling more escapist than ever right now. Now, when I need most to have my eyes open and facing forwards.

Speaking of eyes, my right eye is getting weak. First time I've ever not been able to read the bottom line of an eyesight test was yesterday with just my right eye. That's a little disappointing, but I've known something's been up for a while. It explains why my left eye feels tired most nights - it's compensating for the right one. I think I'm going to see an optometrist when things settle down.

humble me

2008-10-22T01:22:00.002+11:00

"You humble me, Lord" - the words of a song by Norah Jones. Surprising to me when I first heard them, both because I didn't expect her to sing those words and because I knew instantly that I could relate.

I am so tired. Life isn't easy at the moment, and I'm even finding myself being tired of being stressed about it. I never thought that was possible, but it makes it somewhat easier. To be stressed is the last thing I need right now - I need clarity, diligence, patience and peace. To not worry about not having these things in as great an abundance as I would like... that is helpful. That is why I can sleep at night.

[blank]

2008-10-13T02:20:00.003+11:00

[this post left blank because the author has had too many late nights, is over-entertained, and has complexes about both his intellectual capabilities and his physical decline made painfully evident when sitting in a computer chair by his flabby stomach, all of which have negatively influenced his ability to write creatively]

turbulence

2008-10-08T01:15:00.002+11:00

These are turbulent times on the 'book...

I've never noticed such a wide gap between those who are happy and those who are not.

"Joe Bloggs is overjoyed", etc...

"John Doe hurts", etc...

these are interesting times indeed

falling

2008-10-08T00:38:00.003+11:00

What do you do with inadequacy?

I can't help but feel, at times, that everything we do in life is a game... pointless, trivial, weak, insignificant...

I want to slap the person who wrote the song that says, "It feels like I'm falling and that's what it's like to believe". That is the most idiotic description of faith I have ever heard. No, faith is the knowledge that even though you're hurtling towards the ground, God won't let even one of your limbs break. You have faith that God is in control, but falling is about a complete lack of control rather than the deferral of control to another who is more capable.

That is where I am tonight.

variation

2008-10-03T23:05:00.003+10:00

Jesus loves you, this I know,
For the Bible tells me so,
Each of us to Him belong,
We are weak, but He is strong.
Yes, Jesus loves you,
Yes, Jesus loves you,
Yes, Jesus loves you,
The Bible tells me so.

meteorology

2008-09-06T13:52:00.001+10:00

Whatever you have to say about the man, Mark Driscoll has done wonders for the blogosphere lately :o)

peace

2008-08-30T10:12:00.002+10:00

A number of years ago, I wrote about a peace I had on that particular day. Somehow, that peace has eluded me one way or another on almost every day since. I wonder at it: where did it go? Did it go the same way as the feelings of contentment I used to have at the warmth of the sun, the cool of the breeze, the sight of the trees? Was it ever mine to begin with?

I used to write so much poetry... I miss whatever it was in me that enabled such passionate expression. I miss feeling like I could write anything I felt. There are too many consequences now.

disturbing, saddening, maddening...

2008-08-21T01:01:00.002+10:00

Please, please, brothers and sisters... just what are we doing?

Perhaps it's because we live amongst a culture of popularity, where pin-ups are gods and the rich and famous are household names. Perhaps it's because we live amongst a culture of intellectualism, where those who are smart (or those who sound smart) are elevated above us, by us, onto our own shoulders. Or perhaps it's because we live in a culture of blindness, where you have to look very, very hard to see through the endlessly-propagating spin to the truth. Whatever it is, we have no excuses as Christians for living in these same ways - God alone is to be our all-in-all, and we are to be His holy people.

Why then, when we are called to be holy - separate, distinct, set apart for God - do we treat some preachers as celebrities? Why, when we know that God's word can be spoken powerfully through an ass, do we flock to gifted biblical orators as though God's word spoke more powerfully through them than through the rest? Why do we malign the good, godly, Spirit-enacted ministries of these orators by idolising them?

Seriously, if you are a fan of Mark Driscoll, ask yourself why. Is it because he is your brother in Christ and you support his ministry, or because you are in awe of him as a preacher? Or more subtly: is it because he expounds the word of God faithfully, or because he expounds the word of God faithfully and in a clearer manner than your minister at church? I want to suggest to you that the second of each of these is idolatry.

Or similarly, ask yourself this: Am I going to Burn Your Plastic Jesus and taking my friend because my friend needs to hear the gospel, or am I going because I think my friend could get a lot out of Mark Driscoll preaching the gospel and I would get a lot out of it too...? Or likewise: Do I go to Barneys for the community of believers God has placed me in, or do I go because sometimes I get to hear Ian Powell preach and he's really good? Do I go because the word of God is taught faithfully at Barneys, or do I go because the word of God is taught faithfully at Barneys by Ian Powell or Malcolm Gill or Mike Paget? Again, the second of each of these is idolatry.

I will never say a word against the faith in Christ or against the work of God in the lives of Mark Driscoll, Ian Powell or any other solidly biblical preacher you may name. The fruit borne of their ministries is enough to convince me that God works through them and in them. This word is against myself for being an idolater - for holding up Ian Powell and others as preachers par excellence and failing to give the glory to God. And this word is against you, if you too have idolised your preacher.

I'm writing this principally in response to the celebrity of Mark Driscoll, spurred on by the 20-minute sell-out of Engage with Don Carson and Mark Driscoll headlining. Again, nothing against these men - everything against treating them as stars. Brothers and sisters, they proclaim Jesus!!! Who on Earth are we to take them and lift them up as they seek to hold Him up? If they will be glorified (and they will), let them be glorified by God, and not by our hands. We are the temples of the Holy Spirit, not of Driscoll and Carson - let our hands be sanctified for the glorification of God, not dirtied by idolatry. And furthermore, Driscoll and Carson are temples of the Holy Spirit. Do not worship the temple, but the One who lives inside. Do not worship the talk, but the One the talk is about. Do not worship the image - worship the Creator.

I am angered by this. My anger isn't righteous, I know, because I have sinned here too. I am fairly certain, though, that I'm not just sprouting hot air. We have sinned, and we are sinning, and God has called us out of it. I myself have refused to go to a Mark Driscoll talk or to even listen to his talks simply because of the hype surrounding him. I would listen, because everything I have heard from him or about him has been solid, but the hype is too great. I think this hype is the most obvious example of this sin today, but that it is symptomatic, like many of our problems as evangelicals, of deeper sin - perhaps of the pride we take in our good preachers and theologians, perhaps in the shame we hold for our boring ones. May God help us out of it, and to God be the glory.

interesting

2008-08-16T22:18:00.003+10:00

So I've noticed a few interesting things today...

1. There's a vaccine available for chickenpox.

2. They're making an Australian version of human tetris. It's gonna be called Hole in the Wall, and it's coming on soon. Australian television has reached a new low.

3. Usain Bolt is amazing!

4. Walking is a sport for weeds. I think I also saw the Aussie bronze medalist grinning as the Russian anthem was played. Maybe he watched The Hunt for Red October when he was younger and remembers a submarine full of Soviet men singing it.

5. Red Rooster's ads playing on how China loves red just make me think "Communists!"

6. I like the smooth water in front of the olympic swimmers.

fifth year

2008-08-04T12:01:00.002+10:00

The chairs in half the room have changed,
The other half remain the same...
The same as they've been since they were changed.
Does anything remain the same?

The caf sells Indian now, and wine,
The art has moved with changing times,
Old friends have left, can't hear me whine:
Does anything remain the same?

The street across the road has gone,
And in its place, a spacious throng,
An improvement, but a costly one,
Does anything remain the same?

The people here who sit around
Sit in the place of last year's crowd,
Diff'rent folk the old words sound,
Does anything remain the same?

I ponder, as I plod the race,
A four-year fixture in this place,
The fact that I, even I, have changed.
Does anything remain the same?
-- Iain Hart

lost

2008-07-28T23:51:00.002+10:00

It's remarkably easy to lose yourself in work once you get into it. It's a distraction from distractions for a sloth like me. It feels healthy, and maybe it is, but it's unusual.

"Shouldn't I be agonising over something worthless right now?"

Maybe this is just what I need.

"What I want and what I need are two different things... or are they? Maybe they're not so different anymore..."

Maybe I want to change.

"I hate change."

I hate to stagnate.

"I want to rest."

fix

2008-07-28T00:40:00.001+10:00

I can fix my car, a bit anyway.

I can fix my computers, both of them.

I can fix bits of my house.

Why can't I fix myself?

here again

2008-07-15T01:45:00.002+10:00

I am inspired to question at this moment in time why life is so cyclic.

I am not inspired to question why I am so vague... that I know... I'm a fruitloop.

Could that also be why life is so cyclic?

acrostic

2008-07-08T17:01:00.001+10:00

Adam's child, I bore his brand,

Burdened daily, nightly, ever,

Chained by foot and bound by hand,

Death my only true endeavour,

Every move the act of sin,

Following the first man's ways -

Guilty hands stained from within

Have no will themselves to change.

I was helpless, without hope for

Justice must be satisfied -

Kinder men have been condemned -

Life lived well can never end

My sin and leave me justified.

Now my life is freed forever

Of that bondage to decay,

Purified of sin to never

Quake within death's hold again.

Ransomed by Messiah's blood,

Sin-stained hands made sanctified,

Trusting only in my Lord

Until by Him I'm glorified.

Victory in Jesus' Name -

What a treasure, giv'n so free!

Xenophilic God who died,

You who rose to justify, my

Zenith You will ever be.

-- Iain Hart

notes

2008-06-05T00:16:00.004+10:00

What I noted today (inadvertently in chronological order):

1. I need a wetsuit for getting to and from uni on my bike on days like this

2. I don't want to to a good job of my last music assignment... I want to do something exceptional

3. French and Spanish oral tests on the same day is generally a bad action plan

4. Wine helps you speak French when you know a fair bit of French, but doesn't really help you speak Spanish when you don't know much Spanish and you've already used it to speak French

5. Harrison's Pharmacy in Broadway is open past 6pm

6. When your laptop's screen keeps turning itself off because it thinks it's closed when it's not, it's hard to blog

blackjack

2008-05-23T01:26:00.002+10:00

I saw the new movie 21 tonight. It was quite a decent movie, though it didn't really grip me that much. I think I was put off by the pervasive greed. Still, a well-made and enjoyable movie!

I would love to have a day off tomorrow, but that won't happen. There is a music assignment pressing, a Spanish test to study for, and things to be done in organising a debate for EUSci. I know that I have things pretty light compared to most people I know, but what really makes a difference to how you feel is how light you feel you can handle things to be. I don't feel particularly strong under things at the moment, and so each day is a day with a pack to be shouldered as I wake and shed as I slowly drift into unconsciousness at the day's distant other end.

I wish I knew how I worked... I have a feeling life would be easier that way. I am not and have never been a simple guy. Even twenty-three-and-three-quarter years as my own closest companion haven't taught me every nuance of my psyche. Is this normal? Or is this where the entire discipline of philosophy had its birth?

catharsis

2008-04-19T02:52:00.002+10:00

I painted today. It was very cathartic. I painted a gradient of blues, and I'm going to continue the painting/catharsis tomorrow/sometime.

'Connect' tonight was on relationships. It's always fun... there's often a lot of tension in the room because people tend to take it more seriously as a subject, and so jokes go down really well! Not jokes told by me - there aren't many of those. It was also an interesting night, with the usual large amount of food for thought that comes with almost any Connect session.

And no, that's all I'm going to say about it :oP

potential absentee

2008-04-17T01:59:00.001+10:00

So it's turned into another late night (seems this would be where my passion has gone...), and I've just re-discovered that I have a meeting at 8am this morning. Dave, this is why I'm not there :oP

weary

2008-04-16T01:13:00.001+10:00

I'm so weary... where did my passion go?

experiment

2008-04-08T00:36:00.004+10:00

I've decided to carry out a little experiment... Since my other blog is (yet again) unused, I decided to attempt yet another method by which to use it... I've converted it to French, and hope to use it to practice my French writing, thinking and commentary. If you know how to read, write, speak, think, etc. in French, please drop in and comment! As usual, it's at http://mrbiteme.blogspot.com.

In other news, I'm tired and (apparently) a whole lot less creative than I was three years ago!

astounding

2008-03-18T05:52:00.003+11:00

I think that some of the most amazing words that Jesus ever spoke were these:

"I tell you the truth ... before Abraham was born, I am!"

- John 8:58

At the moment, I'm in awe of this man who is God eternal, and grappling with trying to understand those who don't believe He is God. My housemate Darv and I are preparing for a return visit from our local Jehovah's Witnesses, reading up on Jesus' divinity and the Trinity as these were two prominent topics in last week's conversation. Their translation reads something like:

"I tell you the truth ... before Abraham was born, I have been"

...which is very different in meaning, and is actually an incorrect translation. The verb "to be" is the same as is translated into the present tense in many other places in John's gospel, and yet here it is translated into the past tense. In the original Greek, Jesus says "I am", and not "I have been", and so they have changed the Bible - and not just at this point, may I add. This does make me angry, but I'm also filled with compassion to hear that Jehovah's Witnesses are trained not to think for themselves. They accept without question what the Watchtower Society teaches - in fact they are taught to accept it without question. In contrast to the Biblical education I'm receiving through Barneys and the Evangelical Union, which teaches me to both listen to God's Word and to think about it - about what it means and about how to apply it to life - I can see just how poor and lost they are. This has changed my whole outlook on Thursday morning's rendez-vous - I had been going to approach it with fervent declarations of the truth, but now I have been shown that what is needed is for these poor people to begin to think for themselves about the lies they have been taught. Once they question what they have been taught, maybe then we can show them the truth.

This is strange to me... I have spent so much of my life trying to avoid doubts about my faith, and now here I am preparing to sow doubts into someone else's faith. And it occurs to me now that herein lies the importance of thinking about and wrestling with God about one's faith - faith you don't understand in a God you don't know is a perilous, if not outright damaging, place to be. It's sad that so many stop here though, when God so readily gives the truth to those who seek it... to those who seek Him with all their heart.

Please pray for Darv and I, that we wouldn't be arrogant, that we would be loving, that we would be patient, and that we would depend on our Lord Jesus Christ to provide us with answers through the Holy Spirit our Counsellor.

holidays

2008-01-30T01:34:00.000+11:00

Ten letters can't possibly do everything justice.

Whenever I sit down to write lately, everything comes to mind all at once. The resulting bottleneck often leads to nothing coming out, or at least in a feeling of apathy when I see what kind of mish-mash I'd have to sort through to get out anything intelligible.

Oh well, I guess that's the way of it.

I saw a movie tonight - No Country for Old Men. It was strange - well-put-together, poignant yet light in parts, and yet it leaves you wondering, "Huh?" at the end. I'm not so sure whether my feeling of confusion was due to incomprehension or disbelief... oh well. It was good, just confusing.

I've been AWOL from the internet lately (not that one needs leave to be away from the internet... pay heed, you facebook addicts!), largely due to the laziness of my holidays, the addictiveness of Oblivion, and the amorous side of life. I didn't really miss facebook all that much... don't worry, dear friends, I did miss you, and still do! I just didn't miss sitting on facebook for three hours in the middle of the night waiting for someone else to come online so I could superpoke them. No, I didn't miss that, and I've been able to do a few useful things in my new-found spare time, like fix things and watch copious amounts of Law and Order... yes, sceptic, it'll be useful if I ever have to go to court :oP hehehee

Oh holidays... parting will be such sweet sweet sorrow...

midnight

2007-11-02T15:02:00.000+11:00

The man walked, head down, along the wall of the bay. He was bringing before God the events of the days previous and his uncertainties about the days to come. The dull drone of cars, trucks and motorbikes wafted across the water from the bridge across the bay, strangely calming in its constancy. Points of light painted the surface of the bay in broad shimmering swathes. There was movement on the water, and movement on the road, and as he moved along the wall he found his thoughts moved more freely also. Head down, or head up and looking around, he walked and he talked in the night.

Head down, he discovered he was not alone. On the wall before him, a tiny creature scurried along scared of him. A cockroach? There are many of those around... but it doesn't look like a cockroach, or at least like none he's ever seen. It turned off the wall and stopped on the grass, obligingly paused out of fear or elsewise, and so the man bent down to see it. What a curious creature... like a cockroach, but more like a large flat slater, with a translucent yellow segmented shell and legs of the same. He could almost see right through it. Crouched in fascination he stared for ages, no doubt raising the curiosity of the few passers-by. Then he left it in peace, straightened up and walked on.

One, two, three steps... "In his heart a man plans his course, but the LORD determines his steps." The scripture came to his mind like an old friend arriving unannounced in a time of need, speaking directly to his concerns. When following God, oftentimes the road you choose will lead you to the unexpected, and oftentimes the road you are on will lead you where you would not have chosen to go, and yet it is the LORD who has determined the steps that brought you there. Upon closer inspection can be seen the intricacy, the amazing and unexpected beauty of the creative work of God. And so, pondering this, the man walked on in the semi-dark with a new perspective. To where? He didn't know, but he knew that the steps he would take would be wrought by God, and that was enough.

anxious

2007-10-31T23:00:00.000+11:00

anxious
i'm anxious
so anxious
and i don't
know why
is it work?
is it uncertainty?
is it insecurity?
is it being awake?
can i stop?
no.
can i run?
no.
can i breathe?
no.
wait...
...
barely.
where am i?
where are you?
what am i?
what is this?
hide me
hide me
hear my scream
inside
my prayer
inside
my storm
inside
where it hides
from even me
hide me
hold me
tight
in your hand
where i'm safe
from it
all
please.

useless ramble

2007-10-29T14:30:00.000+11:00

It's hot today. When it's hot, I can't think of what to write... well actually, that's more of a general condition. Sometimes I wish subject matter would present itself more clearly.

The thought crossed my mind last night at about 2am (hardly the time for adequate pondering of anything) that I'm not entirely sure how being "more than conquerors" plays out in the Christian's life, and so I think I should do some looking into that sometime soon.

Oh, and then there's the French essay due in a week... bleurgh... :oP I suppose I'm not really on holidays yet.

somewhere deep

2007-10-25T23:58:00.000+10:00

I know this...

Somewhere deep
lies the blackest dark of doubt,
and how it seems no cure is yet known
for all that blackened cries,
for all that smothered dies,
for hope that forgot lies!

And somewhere deep
lies the foulest stench of death,
a reeking cloud of all that we have done
to neighbours far and near,
to forge each other's tears,
to raise a race in fear.

And yet...

Somewhere deep
lies the sparkling jewel of patience,
a treasure rich of mysterious supply
that binds the wounds complete,
that imparts stillness sweet,
that readies unshod feet.

Somewhere deep
lies the richest gold of love,
the purest indescribable... thing
of which our songs do sing,
to which our hands do cling,
on which our hearts take wing.

Somewhere deep
lies the loveliest source of grace,
upon a blood-streaked, battered face is borne
forgiveness bought in pain,
mercy's soft sweet rain,
redemption in His name.

Somewhere deep
lies the grave where once He lay,
He lives! and now to ever sing His praise
who life eternal lives,
who life eternal gives,
who was, will be, and is!

old school thoughts

2007-10-17T17:41:00.000+10:00

I'm one of only a few who still use this archaic method of communing with the world, I know, but that's because I like the fluidity of words strung together in sentences rather than flung at you in a roughly tabular format along with hundreds of pictures. It's just nice to work on some phrases and then send them out in the world to fend for themselves.

It's pretty crazy times right now, with assessments coming down around our ears at uni, and relationship making and breaking here, there and everywhere you look. This is, beyond doubt, a very stressful time of year for all! I've done one of five assessments for this fortnight, so I'm relatively relieved right now, insofar as uni work is concerned.

I have had more epiphanic moments than ever lately. I am realising things about myself and about life that seem to be quite profound; things that concern how life works or how I work sometimes just come into my thoughts and stun me. They often slip out, but I'm trying to write them down now so I don't forget them. This is rare for me, because thinking about life and its operations has almost always taken second place to whatever's going on at the moment. I must say, I'm glad that my thought life is changing in this way.

At the moment, it's my intention to stay single for a while - until God is my first love through thick and thin, and until I have an attitude towards relationships that would enable me to be a decent husband. I've just found that my attitude is unhealthy, and I really don't want to burden any daughter of Christ with that. Nor do I want to be weak again. A man becomes a shadow of himself when is unable to be respected, and I know that deep down are many attitudes of my heart that lead to unrespectable actions. And so I will wait, work and pray like heck. To be honest, it's not easy. Changing attitudes that have been in me since I was a small boy is hard. Or maybe recognising those attitudes and learning when and where to apply them is the answer. One thing I know - I need to see a wife as someone to serve, not someone to be served by. Someone to love, not be loved by. That will probably fix me up a lot. I'm also opening up to viewing the communities I'm in as places where I can find fulfilment, joy and friends as well, which is challenging for me.

I'm getting a lot of musical aspirations lately, possibly because of my boredom with uni. I crave music (though not always the effort it takes to make it), and I have dreams of making beautiful music... actually, I think about it a lot. It's quite a pervasive thought. It was about this time last year I wrote a piece called The Gentle Green for a course at uni, which I'm still quite pleased with, considering it was my first escapade into minimalism, which I really enjoyed. I want to explore again. I also want to write songs, and to learn to play piano for church.

To God be the glory forever.

awake

2007-10-08T01:12:00.001+10:00

I think I need to start doing more productive things with my time when I stay up absurdly late in front of my computer. I think that writing might satisfy, or some other kind of art. Suggestions?

mike whitney

2007-09-23T23:27:00.000+10:00

The awesome unusualness of my weekend began on Friday night, when we just happened to walk into the Newtown pub where Mike Whitney (of Australian test cricket/Who Dares Wins/Gladiators fame) was lead singer in a cover band playing all kinds of old hits. Totally unexpected :o) and he's actually not all that bad!

6 episodes of Star Wars in chronological order in one 15-hour period. Nuff said.

music

2007-09-18T16:58:00.000+10:00

without thought
without movement
without sound
there may be peace
but there can be
no music.

let the music live
let it breathe
let it move
don't quench it just to
kill the thought
kill the movement
kill the sound

sound can be controlled
movement can be tamed
thought can be channelled
rhyme can return
and the poetry of life can flow rich through your veins again.
there need not always be this chaos
there need not always be this fear
there need not always be this pain.

clarity

2007-09-14T16:44:00.000+10:00

I'm getting more and more convinced everyday of the benefits of clarity in life. Whether it's clarity between people or clarity within your own thoughts, it just seems that life is much easier to deal with when clarity exists.

Clarity can't exist without communication. Most often when there's a lack of clarity between people there's also a lack of communication. It's really hard sometimes to bring up certain topics, and sometimes it's even inappropriate or unwise to talk about something. I think it's then that clarity is important within your own thoughts. If you know with clarity what you think about something or how you feel about something, then it seems you can deal much easier with a lack of clarity about that thing between you and someone else.

You might find it ironic that I'm being deliberately vague while talking about clarity, but my purpose is just to talk about the concept. There are many areas of my life right now in which I need to find clarity, and so I'm going to be taking a few steps backwards I think. A change of perspective can often help you see, and I need to see clearly.

Emotion Sickness by Silverchair is a great song...

It's really interesting thinking about how my depression affects my life. For instance, I know that the medication I'm taking attenuates my feelings (or at least it's supposed to), both good and bad. Right now I'm wondering just how much my good feelings about things are affected by it. Am I feeling badly about things I should be feeling good about? That's almost certain - it's a symptom of depression for that to happen. But am I feeling less happy about things I should be happy about, and therefore making unwise decisions regarding them? This is what I'm wondering a lot right now. I know that I can barely trust my thoughts and perceptions, but when it comes to making decisions, what else have I to use but them? I feel like I'm starting off on the wrong foot.

The Special Two by Missy Higgins makes no sense, but it's nice...

Wake up, wake up,
Wake up and rise.
(Time to live,
Time to work,
Time to act,
Time to serve.)
Wake up, rise up,
Get up and work.
(Now to live,
Now to work,
Now to act,
Now to serve.)
Wake up, rise up,
Look up and pray,
Now it is morning,
Now it is day.

I don't want my life to be mediocre.

calm panic breezy tense chilled manic and so on

2007-09-05T00:50:00.000+10:00

I'm feeling so weird right now...

one moment i'm chilled, and this lasts for a while, and feels good

the next i'm tense, anxious and worried, and this lasts for a while, and feels... well... tense

and then i return.

one moment i'm happy, nay joyous, for my friends who have recently hooked up

the next i'm aching

and then i return.

and frankly i can't make head or tail of it

missing link

2007-08-29T00:05:00.000+10:00

A monumentous conclusion was reached today in unlikely circumstances. During a conversation in the Terrace Cafe, Wentworth Building, University of Sydney, it was realised that the missing evolutionary link is, in fact, Schrödinger's cat. Schrödinger's cat is in a box with a dangerous radioactive source, but nobody can look inside the box, hence nobody knows whether the cat is alive or dead. More to the point, there is a finite probably that it is alive, and a finite probability that it is dead. But who can say that the animal within the box is actually a cat at all? Nobody can say "it's a cat" with complete certainty since they themselves can't look inside the box. Hence there's a finite probability that it's a cat, a finite probability that it's a dog, and a finite probability that it's the missing evolutionary link that scientists worldwide are searching for desperately. Who would have thought that the reason they can't find it was that poor old Schrödinger just nonchalantly put it in a box nobody can look into...

romantic

2007-08-28T02:22:00.000+10:00

There are moments in my life when a fact I have known since I was a boy is confirmed to me again: I am little more than a hopeless romantic at heart.

Lisa Mitchell's song "Incomplete Lullaby" is pretty much exactly what I think of as beautiful music. Simple piano, simple voice, weird lyrics with thoughtful imagery... it's got it all, and it gets me every time.

The boys laughed at me for liking her so much in Australian Idol last year... but whatever. I'm finally old enough to make up my own mind about the music I like. It only took 23 years...

lack... or not...

2007-08-13T23:26:00.001+10:00

So I don't have a computer right now. Im trying not to class the way i
feel about this as 'withdrawal symptoms' but its hard since im reduced
to blogging by email from my phone. Sad, huh?

Anyhow, the worst thing about this is that i can't write in the way i
really feel like writing now. I feel like writing something cryptic
about confusion in the vain hope that it'd be read and understood by
just the right people, but i can't do that very well. I feel so much
and i know so little... such a foolish and familiar place. Could
somebody please point me towards the door? A loving push in the right
direction would also be appreciated. In fact, while ur at it, just
take care of my whole life and keep the change.

If I'm going to kill off the sin in my life - which i must, or it will
kill me instead - maybe i should be starting with laziness.

More thoughts later perhaps, when it's not my bedtime and i don't have
to give my thumbs RSI in the pursuit of self-expression.

individuality

2007-08-10T23:08:00.000+10:00

In response to a post here, by the lead singer of Anberlin...

...and by "in response to", I probably just mean "to explore the themes of", 'coz I don't think I say anything much new...

In the West, our individuality is important to us, but that false and destructive amalgamation of two into one is so dangerously easy for us... I think maybe its because we're made to live in unity and in community. I mean, the false amalgamation that Stephen Christian talks about is one person with another, but one person with a community is a totally different thing, and yet inextricably related. There is something about life in community that delinearises relationships (in which I include friendships, of course) enough for them to be more healthy, more constructive and more inclusive than they would be otherwise. Likewise, there is something about relationships between two people, and them with others, and so on, that enrichens the life of the whole community.

I remember once hearing a bishop (or archdeacon, I can't quite remember) from the Congo talk at an Easter convention in Katoomba while he was visiting Australia, and he rebuked us (all 3000 of us who were present) for having such an individualistic culture, particularly in regard to our Christian lives. Our communities have broken down, and it seems that we've fallen back upon our individualism, which has furthered the downfall of our communities, and so on. While it's important to remember ourselves, it is absolutely essential to remember each other as well. None of us stand alone, despite all impressions to the contrary - as a sufferer of depression, I know how alone one can feel, but as one who has received treatment, I know how illusory is this sensation. Furthermore, for those of us who are in Christ, God has given to us as a gift the Christian community that we are a part of. Bonhoeffer wrote that we shouldn't complain of what we've been given, but as thankful recipients we should thank God daily for what He has provided us with. Being thankful implies remembrance, and Biblical remembrance always implies action.

Action requires a driving power, and God has given that to us. As Paul said to Timothy in his first letter to him (I think it's his first letter anyway), God didn't give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of love, of power and of self-discipline. Hehee... I'm really thankful for that memory verse I learnt at school! Love moves the heart to want to act, power enables the action, and self-discipline is to make sure you keep using both of these. Among other things of course. At 11:30pm, it's always hard to remember the point I was trying to get accross, but I believe it to be that all of these qualities are given to individuals, and all are for the benefit of other individuals and the community. If you lose sight of yourself, you won't be able to see the loving, empowering and self-disciplining spirit that is at work in you through Christ (and never forget that is is only through Christ), and if you lose sight of those around you and the community that you're in, you won't be able to see how to best use these things. Both awareness of self in Christ and awareness of others must be a present reality in our lives. I guess it even follows from what Jesus said were the greatest commandments: "Love the LORD your God with all your heart, soul, mind, strength" implies both an awareness of what your "all" is, and that you know that but for God's grace you are nothing, since your "all" is for Him and not you; "Love your neighbour as yourself" implies that you know who your "neighbour" is and that you know how to love them, and hence that you know their needs.

I hope that's at least a little bit clear, because I really think it's important, having experienced this gone wrong on both extremes (even at the same time! go figure). I guess that I would sum up by saying that the healthiest relationships, and I would also say the healthiest communities, are relationships and communities made up of individuals who know who they are but who also know that they don't, and can't, stand alone.

mediocrity

2007-08-04T13:56:00.000+10:00

If you're reading this post, it means at least the following:

1. You're blessed with the resources to write letters and emails
2. You can, or you will be able to vote
3. You have time on your hands

Do not settle for mediocrity! Neither in our governments, nor in our society, nor in ourselves. We are in the middle of a world that is bleeding, bruised and angry. If you know Christ's love, share it, live it, let it move your hands and feet and mouth. Open your eyes and open your heart - we have all had both closed too long now.

"He has shown all you people what is good.
And what does the LORD require of you?
To act justly and to love mercy
And to walk humbly with your God."
- Micah 6:8 (TNIV)

hehehee...

2007-06-28T13:16:00.000+10:00

Cyanide & Happiness @ Explosm.net

e-day minus one

2007-06-20T12:02:00.000+10:00

program study
!I have to do a lot of study today.

!declare variables
logical ComfyClothes, UggBoots, FoodInBelly
logical Music, Books, DeskSpace, GoodHealth
integer CareFactor
logical PeopleToTalkTo, PlacesToGo, ThingsToDo

!initialise variables
ComfyClothes = .true.
UggBoots = .true.
FoodInBelly = .true.
Music = .true.
Books = .true.
DeskSpace = .true. !Wow, that's amazing...
GoodHealth = .false.

Carefactor = 0
PeopleToTalkTo = .true.
PlacesToGo = .true.
ThingsToDo = .true.

print*, 'Why do I bother?'

end program

edit: I fixed up the variable assignments for the logical variables, so this is now a fully-functioning (but nearly completely useless) Fortran90/95 program!

teardrop

2007-06-17T17:26:00.001+10:00

One of my favourite songs is Teardrop by Massive Attack. iTunes just served it up for me and I was pleasantly surprised, so I thought I'd write about it. I like it, and the atmosphere it creates in my psyche. Mmm...

I started studying the Numerical Methods part of my Mathematical Computing course today at about 4:30. I went through and worked out what I do and don't need to study (he gave us a list), and then summarised half of the first chapter. Hey, it's a start.

One of these days I'd really like to get myself an iPod, just so I can listen to heaps of awesome tunes in my car. My CD player's broke and tapes are relatively crummy.

Mmm... dinner.

This post has relatively no point. Hmm.

no words

2007-06-17T00:28:00.001+10:00

Its hard to say just how i feel...
I feel the tension rising inside of me, and in a week it'll be all over.
I feel very little compulsion to work.
I feel crowded.
I feel lonely.
I feel at home.
I feel stranded.
I feel caged by my own inactivity.
I feel better for having read the Bible for the first time all week.
I feel like an idiot when im around myself.
I feel painful after such an epic tennis match.
I feel sleepy.

life

2007-06-05T23:36:00.000+10:00

You know... I've just realised that I'm actually enjoying life right now!

Those of you who are closest to me will know that this is quite a rare thing for me, so praise God!

ubuntu is mine

2007-06-05T23:27:00.000+10:00

I just received in the post a Ubuntu CD that I ordered a while ago. Ubuntu is a distribution of Linux which I hope to get running on my old computer so I can use it for programming and music recording and stuff. That'll keep me busy in the holidays! :o)

edit: my old laptop's CD drive has risen from the grave and is enabling me to install Ubuntu with minimal fuss!!! I'm astonished! Thanks God! This probably isn't the best time for me to do this though I guess.

update: well... the cd drive died again. Thus far, I've got FreeDOS running, copied the installation CD to the harddrive and am working on getting it to boot. Slow process!

update 2: success!!! and now I'm going to sleep coz it's crazy late.

beautiful

2007-06-04T23:58:00.000+10:00

After each time I hear the voice of Katie Noonan, one of the singers from the band George, no other music that I can think of can satisfy me...

If you know me and you have a voice like her, we need to talk.

crude but funny

2007-05-24T20:36:00.000+10:00

Cyanide & Happiness @ Explosm.net

sniper

2007-05-23T12:35:00.000+10:00

I think there's someone somewhere in Australia who's pretty annoyed with me right now... I sniped an eBay auction for some RAM for my computer within the last 20 seconds and won it out from under them :o) mwahaha!

Gosh it's cold... I'm getting soft from living in the city so long!